John Roberts Celebrates his Judicial Confirmation with Pride

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Glover Roberts Jr. won confirmation as the 17th chief justice of the United States on Thursday, charged by the Senate with the responsibility of leading the Supreme Court through turbulent social issues for generations to come. Justice Roberts celebrated modestly with a group of close friends who were quoted as saying, "Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?" Justice John Glover Roberts Jr grew up in Long Beach, Ind., where he earned the nick name Bon-Bon Jovi. He spent his summers in the same steel mill where his father spent his 'permanent shore leave.' After graduating with honors from Harvard University, John spent several years driving the wrong way up the turnpike as a clerk for Supreme Court Justice Rehnquist. You go Girl!

First Screenshots of Grand Theft Auto on the PS3!

Rockstar's new-fangled racing game has been located. September 29, 2005 - While it's a much bigger phenomenon in Europe than in North America, the Grand Theft Auto series is nonetheless a big deal for a small faction of gamers around the world. In this scene it looks like the main character, Anthony 'Biggie-Stereo-T' Brown is shooting hoops while taking a break from working for some underground crime organization. Our guess is that his job in this game will involve selling drugs, stealing cars, having sex and delivering packages around the Big Easy. Our inside insiders on the inside tell us that the new GTA story will revolve around inner-city poverty, the rampant crime problem and how 'those people' do things that are simply outrageous to affluent suburban mothers, church officials, and American attorneys who have gained popularity by chasing ambulances and attacking popular media. Environmental Damage With the recent popularity of floods and hurricanes, Rockstar has repurposed the Havoc engine and added 'Enviro-Damage' to the game. Players will now have the opportunity to completely saturate an area with random acts of God including; volcano's in Dallas, tornados in Portland, and bowling-ball sized fire-hail any where the players choose. What's even better is that NPC's will blindingly attempt to rebuild in the wake of these disasters, but, if Rockstar knows its audience, the player will never allow this kind of reconstruction to happen. It's like burning ants with a magnifying glass using a $400 console and a $2500 HDTV. Oh yes, you read that right, this game will run in 1080i, baby! Dynamic Lighting Effects With the processing power of the PS3, environments can begin to take life like never before (except in real life). Notice the reflections of the residents in the water and how the depth of field blur adds to the atmosphere. In typical GTA fashion, you will be able to gun down these two and they will actually float on top of the water, bloat, and be picked apart by the various creatures (Rockstar's new 'Vermin Engine') that reside in the sewers of the city. We can't wait! Our Initial Takeaways From what we've seen, this GTA looks to be utilizing the PS3 hardware to its fullest potential. We hope that Rockstar has taken the feedback from it's users to implement new gameplay elements like kidnapping, pig burning, drawing and quartering, and other insanely taboo actions that will create a negative campaign against the video game industry. Dooming this business to basements and 12-24 year old, angst-ridden sexless types that can only get out their racist and pent up aggressions by taking control of an 'urban' man to kill, burn, and blow up as much as conceivably possible. Building upon the marketing success of the 'Hot Coffee Mod/Hidden Code' campaign, Rockstar has informed us that the first 250,000 copies of GTA for PS3 will be passed through a decomposing corpse before being shrunk wrapped and sent to your local game store. (all photo's courtesy of Comcast.net Slideshow)

...In other news...

Fashion designer Vivienne Westwood displays her limited edition t-shirts with the legend "I am not a terrorist, please don't arrest me", themed around the defence of human rights in the face of the UK government's plan to introduce new anti-terror laws. And in other news, there is no way in hell that the carpet matches these drapes. (AP Photo/ Andrew Stuart)

Excuse me while I trudge though this shit one more time...

Dear Diary, Whoop de freakin' do! Look at me! I'm gettin' on another helicopter...AGAIN! I thought this would be the coolest thing about bein' president, but it really is kinda crappy. The noise is so noisy and the cabin was definitely not made for people in $5000 suits (come on!). Plus, I'm tired of the captain telling us that the smell that fills the cabin is from the fuel exhaust. From experience I know that those are egg and alcohol farts we're being subjected to!

I'm sorry for the absence, but in all fairness, I died.

...or more accurately, through a tragic accounting accident, NealBauer.com was killed for a little bit. With the Visa payment server under water, renewal notices could not be addressed and my access to the site was removed for a while. Today, I am no longer a deadbeat blogger and have resumed our normal satirical operations. The good news is we are back up and operational. The bad news is, I am back up and operational you fucking son of a bitches.

Weatherman sexually harasses hurricane

Ed Rappaport, deputy director of the National Hurricane Center, asks how Rita likes it as he violates the eye of the hurricane with his callused man-fingers Friday, Sept. 23, 2005 at the National Hurricane Center in Miami. Rita was obviously saddened after being told she was "nothing but a cheap, Category 3, floozy of a hurricane." She was expected to come ashore early Saturday, but Rita was quoted as saying, "after being treated to poorly, I'll be lucky if I come at all." (AP Photo/Alan Diaz)

Save Something Awful

Something Awful is Gone With the Wind As of right now Something Awful is temporarily down due to Hurricane Katrina's abuse of New Orleans, where are servers are located. Our real site is either underwater or strapped to the roof of a stolen vehicle that is also underwater. The guys at the colocation center have a website here, but we have absolutely no idea when anything will be back online, and we can't get ahold of anybody there. Hell, according to this Wired Magazine article, SA is still online! We will be coming back as soon as we are able to with all kinds of unfunny crap and forums full of anime poop references. For now we recommend you do something productive or consider helping out the thousands of people now living under the sea by donating some time or money or dry land. In order to aid the relief effort, David Thorpe will be listening to Juvenile's hit "Nolia Clap" on repeat until New Orleans is rebuilt. Thanks for your understanding!

SPECIAL MESSAGE: temporary hosting needed

SPECIAL MESSAGE: If you have temporary hosting you can provide Something Awful, please contact them at lowtaxico@gmail.com. Additionally, they are looking to permanently move their servers to a colocation facility near the Kansas City, Missouri area. If you have any recommendations, please contact them at lowtaxico@gmail.com. Directly from the SA source: Most of you probably haven't noticed, but the SA servers finally had their plug pulled Thursday afternoon despite the heroic efforts of the people at DirectNIC. While I appreciate what they did for us, their devotion to some websites seems a little misguided in the midst of what is happening. That "what" is hell on earth in the greater New Orleans area. Rich, myself, Livestock, and probably some of the other writers have been watching the hurricane aftermath with nothing short of dumb shock. There is a disaster going on right now and it is manmade. The disaster is three strangers in Mississippi, together because they're all that's left and alone in a town without buildings, drinking floodwater polluted by corpses, shit and gasoline. The disaster is a woman wading through waist deep streets holding her daughter and wondering why the trucks won't stop to get her out of the city. The disaster is ICU patients dying one after another because diesel didn't flow and order couldn't be kept. It's an uninterrupted chain of personal disasters. It's inept triage on a national scale. It's unbelievable that this is America. It's hard to comprehend that these repeating images of herds of people without food or water or medical treatment after nearly a week are happening on our soil. They're our fellow citizens and while the politicians, directors, planners and generals congratulate each other at press conferences they are suffering and dying. I have seen some efforts in the media to pressure officials to accept responsibility. None have, because in public office the buck stops nowhere. The only person I have really seen come close to capturing the raw fury of the people trapped in New Orleans or forgotten in Mississippi and Alabama is CNN's Anderson Cooper. He confronted Democratic Senator Mary Landrieu on live TV, chiding her with a voice cracking with emotion that he couldn't believe the politicians were patting each other on the back over a job well done when he just saw rats eating a woman's body in the street of Biloxi. On the Internet I've seen people blatantly placing blame on Bush, FEMA, Congress, the National Guard, and even Homeland Security. Who is responsible? Who should be blamed? All of them. This is a colossal failure of our government to care for and protect its citizenry on every conceivable level. The heroes are the men and women on the scene doing their utmost to help those in need. Coast Guard rescue workers plucking people to safety and Red Cross workers feeding people from emergency kitchens are heroes. The man who commandeered a bus and got people out of New Orleans when the government was woefully impotent is a hero. The woman who smashed the glass on a convenience store to loot bottled water for fifteen kids who should have been absolutely inundated with supplies by then is a hero. The doctors and nurses hand-bagging ventilator patients 24 hours a day in dark hospitals are heroes. In the ineloquent but true words of the Mayor of New Orleans: "Don't tell me 40,000 people are coming here. They're not here. It's too doggone late. Now get off your asses and do something, and let's fix the biggest goddamn crisis in the history of this country." CNN was better prepared to deal with this disaster than FEMA was. I am ashamed of my country's government in a universal way right now. Republicans, democrats, opportunists, it doesn't matter; they're all guilty in this situation. In a magical world where justice is actually served most of these people would not have jobs in a month or two. Instead the people without jobs will be the millions who have lost everything and found their government with its back turned. Remember that people are still dying because of this incompetence. Remember that when each and every one of these fools appears on TV for a photo op or complains about "placing blame later," because placing blame now is the only hope America has to change the situation. Chuck Norris wouldn't allow this bullshit to happen. - Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons