Chevy unveils 'The Brick House' line of SUV's

Your family’s safety is important to us. Whether it’s a short errand around town or a cross-country road trip, Chevrolet is committed to keeping you and your family safe — from the start of your journey to your destination. That’s why Chevrolet designed their new line of vehicles with a comprehensive safety and security barrier to help give you peace of mind. Tested by the US military in Iraq, Chevrolet has stumbed upon a vehicle that is both powerful and formidable. "In nature, there is no substance more powerful than brick," said Chevy spokesperson, Davey Martin. "Covering the entirety of this SUV will go a long way to protecting your family in an accident that will undoubtably occur in one of these vehicles due to our terrible quality standards here at Chevrolet."

Quick question: Does any one like Green Day?

Egyptian intelligence chief Omar Suleiman, left, talks to Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas, also known as Abu Mazen, right, about how awesome it was that Green Day won seven (7) MTV music awards, Monday, Aug. 29, 2005. he photo in background is of the late Palestinian leader, Yasser Arafat. (AP Photo/Adel Hana) I started this article off with a funny picture and thought I'd do some research on how Green Day fans converse with each other. What I found is that there are very, very few fan sites for Green Day and even fewer of them actually working. GreenDay.com was down. I can only imagine it is due to the traffic of all of the 12-18 year olds watching last night's MTV awards show going to the internet to answer the question, "Green Day is what now?" The other site was GreenDay.net where they have a one line editorial of last nights show(classic short-attention-span coverage for the young-hipster viewing this site from her Sidekick). When I went to the forum section to get into the minds of these rabid, site-crashing Green Day fans, I see that the forum is currently under contruction. Huh? Hi, I'm Billy Jo and I'll be your Caldwell Banker representative. How can I best serve you today? What this tells me is that on the biggest night of their MTV lives, Green Day sweeps up seven awards and then fades completely into obscurity. With fans like this, good riddance: Green Day! Saydee - Jul 18, 8:45 pm omg! i love Green Day...and Billie Joe! He is SO flippin hot!! lol! well talk 2 ya's lata! Hey Sondra - Apr 20, 8:46 am I just joined and I just wanted to let everyone know I love Green Day, well Music in general so if you ever want to chathit me up My e-mail is princess11...@hotmail.com See Ya, Sondra GREEN DAY OWNS YOUR SOCKS! devilguy@gmail.com - Apr 28, 8:52 pm green day owns your socks......and my socks. my screenname is badgerx911 and my website is [link] [no subject] Jeb W - Jul 8, 9:44 am um...does this thig work?\ ok this is so kool! omg i love green day and im a rock!rocks have ears u know!aiee! mommy wow i feel special now! i koined a grpup. and its a green day group...SWEET! and guess wat?!?!?! im listening to them rite now! yeah for me!!!!! *dance* nuthin much greendaylover - Jul 17, 6:28 am uh...i wonder wat this does stupid!!! u suk by da way green day rox billie joe greendaylover - Jul 27, 10:59 am i'm okay... omg! i love billie soooo much 2!!! my friend rebecca... aka phil the rock likes tre cool the best cuz she's so much like him... lol! My Friend is so weird!..............but cool at the same time .....oh just shut and read this! I wnat to be an american idiot!...Wait....arent all americans idiots? - Aug 13, 6:49 pm My best friend nicknamed me tre`. i was really happy to finally have a nickname, but.... IM A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I JUST DONT NEED A GUYS NAME!!!!!! Sure i like having a nickname but .... i need someting eles. i fany one has any suggetions, id really like to hear from u. I just need something more .......i dont know girl like. For all of you thinking that George W is the one destroying this country, take a look at a core sample of who will be running this place in the future. Pleasant dreams!

After Viewing Katrinia's Aftermath, Bush to Wage War on 'Aquas of Evil'

Why the oceans must die US President George W. Bush announced Monday afternoon that he has ordered military strikes against any and all Hurricanes that enter the US. Poseidon, Oceanus, and the Kraken prepare for US air raids. "At this hour, American and coalition forces are in the early stages of military operations to eliminate the deadly threat created by Hurricanes across our globe," Bush said in a nationally-televised address. "On my orders, coalition forces have begun striking selected targets of military importance to undermine Poseidon’s ability to wage war," he said. "Even if this person had insurance, there's no way they could collect anything for this piece of shit car" Bush continued stating that "these strikes are opening stages of what will be a broad and concerted campaign against the ocean." He vowed that the US-led forces would fight until victory, noting that the war against the sea could be longer and more difficult than the Iraq war, the Philippine Insurrection, and the Crusades combined. Bush was speaking two hours and 15 minutes after his ultimatum for the Oceanus and his son Chronos to leave the ocean or face a war expired. Hurricane promises to punch America in it's 'nards' The White House confirmed after the raids began that the United States had launched a military action to disarm Poseidon and retrieve his spiked trident, which has been a symbol for the ocean’s tyrannical unpredictability. "The opening stages of the disarmament of the Hurricanes regime have begun," White House spokesman Scott McClellan told reporters minutes after air raid sirens were heard over the Atlantic. Hurricane has been blamed for bouts of incompetance US warplanes raided the Atlantic Ocean about one and a half hours after the expiration of the deadline set by US President George W. Bush for Oceanus to leave the ocean or face war. Big explosions were heard, the ocean was lit up by flares and sirens were heard throughout the cities of the deep, home for some 500 billion sea creatures. For God's sake! Look what it did to this girl's umbrella! How long are we going to stand for this? Coral reefs of the mermaid kingdom were attacked in the three rounds of US air raids on the ocean, leaving several thousand floating, bloated casualties, but it remained unknown that any top ocean officials were among the injured. The war was declared after the US failed to win support of majority in the UN Security Council for their draft resolution that would have authorized a war on Tsunamis, waterspouts, whirlpools, and rapids that have plagued humanity for centuries "This is bullshit if the Hurricanes think they can get away with this!" Three permanent members of the Security Council, namely China, France and Russia, opposed the US-led military attack on the ocean and insist that inspections and talks with the deadly element of water should continue. The United States started the war on the ocean in its second preemptive strike in the US history. The first being the Iraq war, which ended up being a tremendous success against terror and for the US’s perception to the world. Don't worry 'bout nuttin, Bi-otch! Says Bush Earlier, UN Secretary General Kofi Annan warned the United States and Britain that "under international law, the responsibility for protecting civilians in conflict falls on the belligerents. But this is the ocean, so fuck it, all bets are off.”

This just in; Sensationalist headlines makes things appear to be worse than they actually are.

...In other news; Duhhhhhhhhhh Louisiana Headline: Superdome Roof Ripped As Katrina Slams New Orleans: Copy from the article: Water is dripping in and people are being moved away from about five sections of seats. However, Louisiana's governor said it isn't a "dangerous situation."

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California Headline: California Wildfire Thrives in Erratic Winds: Copy from the article: No homes had been destroyed and there were no injuries reported. Residents in the Northern California town of Manton began returning to their homes Sunday."

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Pennsylvania Headline: Tractor-Trailer Full Of Drugs Stolen From Truck Stop: Copy from the article: Police are searching for a tractor-trailer loaded with aspirin that was stolen from a Cumberland County truck stop Thursday morning."

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Utah Headline: Teens Sentenced To Jail For Gun Shootings: Copy from the article: A Superior Court judge sentenced three teens to a year in jail after they were convicted of causing damage by shooting out windows with BB guns."

Those crafty Mexicans...

David de Forjador, a human cannonball daredevil and janitorial services technician, sails across the U.S.-Mexico border, Saturday, Aug. 27, 2005, in Tijuana, Mexico. Ironicly, de Forjador was killed when he overshot the landing pad and landed in a McDonald's french fryer that was manned by his brother, Jesus de Forjador, who managed to escape his home country last week by catapult. (AP Photo/Michel Redondo - escaped 3 weeks ago by hiding in an elephant's anus)

Mary Tyler M-Oh MY GOD!!!

Walking zombie, Mary Tyler Moore will return to the soundstage where "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" was filmed when she guest-stars in three episodes of "That '70s Show" playing the part of E.T. (AP Photo/file)

Hello, I'm your Mayor, James E. West...

...but can call me Jim. I was sworn in as the Mayor of the City of Spokane on Dec. 23, 2003. I was elected to a four-year term in November 2003. As Mayor, I have been the City's Chief Executive Officer, directing the activities of the City’s more than 2,000 employees and managing a $409 million annual budget. I was here to work for you for a better community. With positive leadership focused on getting things done and by caring more about what gets done and less about who gets the credit, we can accomplish a lot. We can go from being a good city to a great one. That said, has anyone seen my 12" anal penatrator? I had it with me after the last Children's Hospital ground breaking ceremony, but seem to have misplaced it. I really need it as I have a meeting with several other gay Mayor's this week and don't want to look like I'm mooching some other city's 12" sodomizing instrument. If you find my penatrator, or would like to talk to me about getting a job with the city, please contact me: Mayor James E. West 808 W. Spokane Falls Blvd. Spokane, WA 99201 Phone: (509) 625-6250

Bush supporter has a lot to say

President Bush supporter Mark Voss chants for Cindy Sheehan supporter to take down the crosses along Prairie Chapel Road that leads to Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas, Thursday, Aug. 25, 2005. His ensemble went on to say that it loves Jesus, blue blocker sunglasses, 'I'm a Mad American Eagle' T-shirts, (Wal-Mart's patriot shirt of the Month for August), Jacksonville Jaguar wristbands and buttons that declare that 'Jammin 95.5 Rocks.' If it weren't for his garb, I just would have said: Bush supporter and Crawford resident, Mark Voss, throws like a girl. (AP Photo/LM Otero)

Katrinia and the Waves are Walking on Florida's Sunshine

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. - Flooded streets resembled canals, sailboats sat on the sand and a highway overpass lay in ruin Friday in the hours after Katrina and the Waves, 1980's Euro Band, started their 'Killing Seven People' reunion tour across South Florida late Thursday. Katrina reached number 8 in the UK charts back in 1985, and former MTV VJ's, now nursing home residents outside of Mercury, Florida, said they could be a major splash should they ever reunite.

Hello, this is God calling...yeah...um....is Pat there?

GOD: I'm going to need to talk to him for a minute. Could you put him on? Robertson: Oh crap! Tell him I'm not here. GOD: Hey Pat, remember that whole omniscient thing that I've got going? Yeah, I know you're there. Robertson: God! Hey! What's up! I was just getting ready to go talk about your supreme awesomeness and... GOD: Dummy up, Foo' and prick up your ears! My son Jesus did not instruct his followers to kill others. If I recall, he said something about loving even your enemies and to do good to those persecuting you. You've got some s'plainin to do. Robertson: Yeah, but that sounds kinda gay and you hate them fags as much as I do, right? GOD: What in the name of ding-dong? Have you gone completely coo-coo-bananas? Proof of my ultimate patience and forgiveness is that I don't evaporate you into nothingness right now. Roberson: That sounds like the Jew in you tryin' to escape so that you can spread your Commie germs all over the righteous and pure. GOD: What the? Sweet son of mine, you ARE crazy. Robertson: If loving you and Jesus so much till I can't understand what the principles you were founded on in the first place makes me crazy... GOD: Well here's what you can do for me. You got a pen and paper? Good, here's what I want you to do: Keep calling for blood in the name of Christ. By all means, keep demanding Creationism in our classrooms. Make sure you insist on the death of Roe v Wade. You might also want to keep viciously assaulting the characters of bereft mothers, the families of 9/11 victims, and patriotic civil-servants. Also you might want to keep pouring 200 years of goodwill down the drain by pumping fanatical propaganda to the weak of the flock. Just keep all of that up and people will start loving you for it any day now.

Aren't mothers supposed to be martyrs?

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now" "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now, though" mum confides. "Oh so sad dear," says the other. "And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21. "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born." "He's a martyr, too," says mum quietly. "Oh gracious me .," says the other. "And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she whispers. "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically. "I remember when he first started school." "He's a martyr, also" says mum, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Place phallus between slot "A" and insert "B"

Sen. Chuck Hagel, R-Neb., who received two Purple Hearts and other military honors for his service in Vietnam, unintentionally, yet regretably makes a 'blow job jesture' while referencing how America is handling the war in Iraq. This kodak moment should be enough to cripple Hagel should he become a spokesperson, consider a run for office, or just to be taken seriously about any subject he is passionate about. (AP Photo/ABC, Terry Ashe)

EA's Latest Abortion for Sale on eBay

Madden NFL 2006 (Xbox) Blight of the Videogame Industry

Hello stupid! Yes, I'm talking to you, the guy interested in buying this piece of garbage game from Electronic Arts for the 800th time so you can have updated rosters.

Last year's version of Madden*

Madden NFL 06 continues to prove the theory that the majority of sports gamers are freakin' idiots. This should not come as a shock to anyone in the video game business, as sales of Madden and the decrepit NBA Live series have exceed that of the far superior Sega Sports and 2K Games titles.

This year's version of Madden*

"You must be either blind or retarded" said a friend of mine while we played both this year's Madden NFL 06 offering and last year's version of NFL 2K5 simultaneously. I could only concur with my friend as my quarterback in Madden 06 slowly swam backwards and was tackled by a linebacker's enormous head. Seriously, when all 22 players are on the field in this game it looks like a hydro cephalus battallion. I half expect the game to begin with my team getting off a very small bus while ranting "I number one! Me very best at playing football! YAY!" Return vistors, please note: Because many early visitors to this auction could not understand satire, I have replaced my comic, PSOne images with actual Madden NFL 06 and ESPN 2K5 screenshots. This makes the content of this auction turn less 'ha ha funny' and more 'uncomfortable laugh funny.'

Goodbye farce, we hardly knew ye!

Looks: Of the two pictures shown below, which one looks more like an actual image of football? Pay close attention to the texture of the jersey, musculature and stadium reflection in the player's helmets. While neither is slouch when compared to Joe Montana's Sports Talk football, one clearly looks more correct than the other. Also, for some reason, Madden designers seem to believe that football players have gia-normous heads in relation to their bodies.

Madden NFL 06 (released last week)

NFL 2K5 (released last year)

Feel: The feel of football has still not been perfected in electronic form as hockey was in NHL 2K2 on Dreamcast. There is really no substitute for taking the ball as a running back and charging up the middle, taking anyone out in your path. But as these games go, I am commenting on the game's pacing and animations when it comes to crucial moments. Again, 2K Game's title allows for far more diversity and originality in this category. Whether you are moving the ball from one arm to another, making a crucial juke to send a tackler diving into the turf, or high stepping into the end zone, 2K's got it down with a smoothness that escapes Madden's clunky, pivoting character models.

SATIRE WARNING: Actual in-game dialogue from Madden NFL 06:

Linebacker: "Please, Vicky! Take me home with you!" Ron Mexico: "Sure, but it will cost you $59.99 and your dignity, young lady. (Hey, what's with our arms being all funky?)"

Keep in mind this is LAST YEAR'S VERSION OF 2K5!!!

Play: I have played Madden games since 1992 on my Apple and have loved many seasons of hardcore gridiron game playing. Madden hit it's stride on the 16 bit consoles and seemed to be an unstoppable juggernaut destroying the likes of Ditka and Montana. Then came Playstation and the Gameday series which looked sizably better than Madden's aging game. Madden has been playing catch-up ever since. Gameday repeatedly trounced Madden in sales in the late nineties until Dreamcast came out. Visual Concept's NFL 2K offered graphics and gameplay that had been unforeseen in games to date. The only problem is, the NFL 2K series was branded to the failed Dreamcast console. What happens now is a tragedy for gamers everywhere.

In Madden NFL 06, numbers unrealistically squash and stretch with the polygons instead of with player's movement. Also, players appendages, like arms, are out of proportion with the body. This guy wouldn't have to bend over to tie his shoes.

In NFL 2K5 numbers on the jerseys don't distort when a player stretches or turns and, what's this, actual definition to the player jerseys?

In the past few years, gamers are confused by the multitude of pigskin titles out there. Madden, 2K, Fever, Gameday, Blitz all crowd the football market. When gamers are confronted by so many choices, they opt out to what they are comfortable with, something they've heard of, something warm and cozy like your first blanket: Madden. While in no means a terrible game, it is definitely sub-par when it comes to advancement of the genre. Because EA realized their product sucks the big Madden, they have opted to go and purchase the rights for the NFL license for the next several years. You can expect video game football to enter a dark age for several years to come. With no other companies even close to the standards set by the NFL 2K series, it will be a long time before EA gets up off its lazy programming ass and produces a football title worthy of real football players.

If this is how McNabb throws, I'm sorry. Seriously, if you follow his arms to where they would actually meet his torso, his neck would be nearly 18" long. Also, Number 83's arms are thicker than his legs.

The closest I could find on the web to that McNabb image was this Farve image from NFL 2K5. While not the most dynamic image, take a look at the definition on his arms and how Terrell Suggs' arms are more realistically proportioned for his body.

EA Sez: "Go (your team)! We disgrace video gamers by paying no attention to detail and force-feeding them garbage every year. The buyer's of our tripe disgrace the gaming community by continually not caring. $59.99 please!"

ESPN NFL 2K5 makes games between the 49ers & Bears look good!

Attention Football Gamers: EA is a dictatorship that perpetuates sub par games to the masses. The more you buy into it, the less they will care about delivering a game that is worth the disc it's printed on. If you don't mind playing Special Olympics football with your friends, have at Madden incarnations of the future. If you care anything for the state of Football games on the market, do not buy a Madden title until they get it right. The choice is yours. That said, I have upped the price on this used game an additional $10 to further prove my point that Madden NFL 06 players are as mind-numbingly retarded as I have claimed above.

Bid with confidence, you dope!

* Satire (sat·ire) Pronunciation: 'sa-"tIr Function: noun 1 : a literary work holding up human vices and follies to ridicule or scorn 2 : trenchant wit, irony, or sarcasm used to expose and discredit vice or folly These images are from the Nintendo 64 version of Madden 2001 and the Atari 2600 version of football. Anyone who becomes offended by this article centered around video gaming, please learn to take a joke.