Five more reasons for why I should never be president

The list of reasons why I am not president is both long and long. As you can deride from my last sentence, not being able to come up with adjectives is one of my faults, but definitely NOT one of the reasons I shouldn't be president. Picking apart someone for their inability to speak, spell, or formulate sentences properly is not a barometer of a man's intelligence and can be shrugged off as public-nitpickery. This first installment will go over just five of my many, many insane plans that keep me from entering the White House. NO PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION Prescription medications only do two things; make sick people better and make perfectly healthy people think that they are sick. While corporations are yielding great amounts of cash from this principle of 'breakeven,' an end to this capitalistic fleecing of the populace has got to stop. As president, I will make sure that all prescription medications are eliminated and every over the counter medication shall be pulled as a precaution. Now, I know this will raise a few shackles, but my solution to this problem goes beyond brilliant and into the realm of Lovecraftian-simplicity. BRAIN TRANSPLANTATION SURGERY BY 2008 Why do we work to cure cancer? What good comes from trying to build robotic appendages? Face transplantation surgery is from the mind of Dr. Frankenstein and solves nothing! In fact, most surgeries, and by 'most' I mean 'all' could be replaced by the simple act of removing the healthy brain from a patient and placing it into a perfectly healthy host body. Obesity? Eliminated! Aging? Abolished! Flesh eating viruses are nothing more than a petty scab when you can take the brain out in time and put it into a new, perfectly mobile, 100% intact body. But where will we be able get so many able-host bodies for the cause? Let me answer that question for you America! HUMAN BODY CLONING, MINUS THE BRAIN Well, duh! We are just beginning to crack the DNA code which will ultimately bring the end of disease and age; or so the scientists would lead you to believe. Science takes a long-ass time and we, as a people, want one hour, quick fix, instant oatmeal answers to even the hardest of life’s monumental dilemmas. How about we stop with the 'possibility' of ending plagues and mortal devastation through DNA research and just start reproducing bodies without brains for a little bit. Think I'm crazy? Uh-uh! Take a listen Poindexter as I gots da floor! Imagine being Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie? How about having sex with either of them? What about an army of beautiful Angelina's having sex with a Lord of the Rings-like mob of Brad Pitts? Sound like something you might like? Listen; let me break it down for you. You, as an average Joe or Jane, are probably ugly. Wouldn't you like to look in the mirror and see Brad staring back at you? What about the Extreme Makeover rejects that wind up looking like men instead of a beautifully reconditioned female? Don't they deserve to look like Angelina instead? Well, if you take Brad or Angie’s DNA and remove the brain-making-parts, which, trust me, cannot be that freaking hard with those two, and make a million clones for a million brains...well, you have the best looking country in the fucking universe! Don't like those two? Well, we'll have thousands of lifeless, celebrity looking corpses for you to select from. Imagine being in a car wreck where you would lose and arm, an eye, or even your heartbeat. Then imagine waking up and looking like Jennifer Aniston? Nothing helps in the healing process more than beautiful hair and a perfectly toned body. The more you think of it the more sense this makes, right? Now, I know there will be people who ask stupid questions like, “Mr. president, what will we do with all of these ugly carcasses? With millions of operations a day, won’t these husked corpses will begin to build up?” To that I’d answer, “well, don't you know nothing about anything, Mr. Nobody McUghsalot. Check this out. THE END OF AGRICULTURE Whoa! Curve ball comin’ at ya! How does one have to do with the other? Well, our society was built on this concept of farming and re-sale and a principal so flawed that it is just gay to talk about for more than one sentence. Check out any Omni or Discover magazine in your dentist’s office and you'll know this is true. Earlier in my dissertation I talked about pulling the billions, if not trillions, of dollars away from the pharmaceutical companies. Now watch me eliminate the national debt and world hunger in about 200 words. All of the bodies that are piling up are comprised of various nutrients. Now, before you all go crazy, I'm not actually theorizing about stripping the bones for meat. That is barbaric and wastes of human effort to even consider doing something of that magnitude. What I do recommend is that we take the bodies and boil them down so that all of the meat and fat, skin and organs slide off of the skeleton like a boiled chicken. The skeleton will then be used in the manufacture of high-tinsel tools and building materials that we will use to construct my bridge to the moon (second term as president). The rest of the brine will be picked free of hair, fingernails, gold teeth and other debris, then mashed up into a malleable paste. The labor force could be part of the 'brain surgery' package where new body recipients will be required to work off their excess medical costs by refining and milling this paste into a tasteless composite which will be then shipped off to a plant that will occupy a 12 state acreage in the middle of the country. More like, southern-middle, because nobody really gives a shit about that real estate anyway. Seriously, you can buy a house there today for like six bucks, so I don't think we'll have a problem with the zoning. With trillions of gallons of this tasteless protein being produced on a daily basis, what is there to do with it? JELLY BELLY SHARES TO EXPLODE Buy the stock now, cause they are going to be the largest supplier of flavoring for my new protein-packed, taste-anyway-you-want-it-to snack; The Ameri-Bar. And what a Merry Bar it is, packing in a whopping 100% of every vitamin and mineral you need for every meal. If Jelly Belly Jellybeans can taste like buttered popcorn and French toast, there is no reason that we can't get the building blocks of God's creation to taste like root beer floats and pumpkin pie. The best part is that we will have a tremendous abundance of this product that we will have the international market spinning trying to keep up. We'll ship these off by the barge full every few hours to Ethiopia, Madagascar, Mexico, Chile, Alabama or where ever there is a modicum of hunger to ensure that no man, woman or child will ever starve again. Add to this, we won't really need hospitals any longer so we can use them as storage facilities for our ever growing stockpiles of America's Finest Resource; freshly hollowed out corpses! Every export will be 100% American made and handled by the most beautiful people on earth. WHAT THIS REALLY MEANS FOR MY PEOPLE With everyone so pretty, we will be focused on making prettier and more attractive looking people. More attractive people will need to constantly replace the leagues of passé-beauty that Angelina and Brad will ultimately represent. This means we can have the Brad Pitt Ameri-Bars made entirely of Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie corpses. In addition, because the brain will live for a much longer time than our older bodies, reproduction will nearly cease. Sure, will be fucking like crazed rabbits, but with the DNA problems we are bound to encounter, one day we will have completely sterilized the able bodied people of our great nation. That means America will need to stay strong at 450 million brains indefinitely for something I like to call the semi-circle of life. I’ve save the best for last, as these new technologies and medical procedures become more and more commonplace, there will be no need for people to stay at home and watch television 4, 8, 12 hours a day. People will have only new bodies, sex with beautiful people, and creating Ameri-Bars to occupy their time. This means no more medical dramas, CSI’s, Law and Orders, or the increasingly gay 24 to flood every conversation around the work cooler. The airwaves will be freed up to show nothing but beautiful people’s faces along with a phone number to call when you want to schedule your body migration surgery…which will eventually be done by robot. "Sayonara you CSI muthafuckas!" "Idleness is not doing nothing. Idleness is being free to do anything." - Floyd Dell