Happy Valentines Day
To all the lovers out there makin' love in Loveland.
2/13/2007
11/02/2006
Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, Episode 6 - The Creeping Moss from the Shores of Shuggoth
| 6th episode of hilarious British comedy series. | |
Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, Episode 4 - The Apes of Wrath
| 4th episode of hilarious British comedy series. | |
Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, Episode 2 - Hell Hath Fury
| 2nd episode of hilarious British comedy series. | |
10/31/2006
10/20/2006
10/17/2006
9/15/2006
Dear Nintendo, Your Wii is Smelling More and More Like Ass
At the start of the year, I lauded Nintendo for their radical and groundbreaking 'Revolution' concept. As a casual gamer, one of my favorite experiences is introducing and sharing my video game experience with friends, family and co-workers. However, my interest has severely waned as name changes, price gouging, suspect timing of this consoles release and other nitpicky crap have reared themselves. I must ask, "Am I the only one who gets less and less interested in the Wii with each new announcement?"
Like most people who have an interest in gaming, I was a huge proponent of the Revolution game console during the intitial announcements of the system. I think Nintendo had a tremendous opportunity to let gamers, and non-gamers alike, in on an experience that could change perspectives of this video game business and make games a group/party event. With the most recent announcement (9/14/2006), Nintendo has managed to put this console out of the range of most casual customer’s pocketbooks and the release date makes it less of an impulse buy for most parents this holiday season.
Sure, they are packing in a Nunchucku controller and WiiSports, but a system that uses architecture that currently costs Nintendo $25 a motherboard to create and about $65 in memory, CPU and other components shouldn’t be used to take advantage of their fan base. In addition, the cost of peripherals if, for example, you would like to play games with your family is astronimical. A Wiimote will cost consumers $40 and the Nunchucku will cost an additional $20. If you wanted to play a four player game of WiiSports with your friends and family, you would need to shell out another $180 in controllers alone.
The release date is a very suspect move on Nintendo's part. Releasing two days after Sony shows that Nintendo is not making this a game machine for the masses, but a machine meant to compete with the current generation of game consoles. If Nintendo had the jump out of the gate by launching in October and having a secondary shipment scheduled for November 19th would get the console in the hands of those who want it early and not eating into the inventory scheduled for little Billy’s stocking this holiday. Launching that close to another console, and the same week of Gears of War will just let mom and pop know that this is just another machine like the one I purchased two years ago that is now collecting dust on the shelf.
Another issue of the release date is, like it or not, it speaks to Nintendo's lack of confidence in their decision to differentiate. The Wii was supposed to defy convention and break out of the video gameplay rut we have been plagued with since the PlayStation; where graphics define gameplay. Nintendo made bold statements and assured, through their iPod like video demonstrations that this system would be played by grandparents, metrosexuals, and loners alike. Pushing this system out till after the PS3 release is a move that expresses some degree of 'cold feet' with breaking away from the paradigms that have grounded video games for nearly 10 years.
Oh, and in case you haven't noticed, Nintendo has bumped the GameCube release date of Zelda: Twilight Princess until December 11th. That should say that they are beginning to worry about their own GameCube console pulling consumer dollars away from the Wii.
I wouldn’t have balked at a $199 price point and $150 would have been ideal, but $250? That’s just rude. But who cares, right? Everyone’s going to buy one this holiday, right?
I just wanted to vent for a moment to say that I am no longer interested in swinging Nintendo's stiff white wand around anymore as they seem happier shining their Wiimotes up real nice, turning them sideways and shoving them straight up consumers' assholes.
Screw you Nintendo, and your little machine too.
Like most people who have an interest in gaming, I was a huge proponent of the Revolution game console during the intitial announcements of the system. I think Nintendo had a tremendous opportunity to let gamers, and non-gamers alike, in on an experience that could change perspectives of this video game business and make games a group/party event. With the most recent announcement (9/14/2006), Nintendo has managed to put this console out of the range of most casual customer’s pocketbooks and the release date makes it less of an impulse buy for most parents this holiday season.
Sure, they are packing in a Nunchucku controller and WiiSports, but a system that uses architecture that currently costs Nintendo $25 a motherboard to create and about $65 in memory, CPU and other components shouldn’t be used to take advantage of their fan base. In addition, the cost of peripherals if, for example, you would like to play games with your family is astronimical. A Wiimote will cost consumers $40 and the Nunchucku will cost an additional $20. If you wanted to play a four player game of WiiSports with your friends and family, you would need to shell out another $180 in controllers alone.
The release date is a very suspect move on Nintendo's part. Releasing two days after Sony shows that Nintendo is not making this a game machine for the masses, but a machine meant to compete with the current generation of game consoles. If Nintendo had the jump out of the gate by launching in October and having a secondary shipment scheduled for November 19th would get the console in the hands of those who want it early and not eating into the inventory scheduled for little Billy’s stocking this holiday. Launching that close to another console, and the same week of Gears of War will just let mom and pop know that this is just another machine like the one I purchased two years ago that is now collecting dust on the shelf.
Another issue of the release date is, like it or not, it speaks to Nintendo's lack of confidence in their decision to differentiate. The Wii was supposed to defy convention and break out of the video gameplay rut we have been plagued with since the PlayStation; where graphics define gameplay. Nintendo made bold statements and assured, through their iPod like video demonstrations that this system would be played by grandparents, metrosexuals, and loners alike. Pushing this system out till after the PS3 release is a move that expresses some degree of 'cold feet' with breaking away from the paradigms that have grounded video games for nearly 10 years.
Oh, and in case you haven't noticed, Nintendo has bumped the GameCube release date of Zelda: Twilight Princess until December 11th. That should say that they are beginning to worry about their own GameCube console pulling consumer dollars away from the Wii.
I wouldn’t have balked at a $199 price point and $150 would have been ideal, but $250? That’s just rude. But who cares, right? Everyone’s going to buy one this holiday, right?
I just wanted to vent for a moment to say that I am no longer interested in swinging Nintendo's stiff white wand around anymore as they seem happier shining their Wiimotes up real nice, turning them sideways and shoving them straight up consumers' assholes.
Screw you Nintendo, and your little machine too.
8/24/2006
7/06/2006
Sony gets out shovels to dig a grave so deep, 'so even God cannot save us.'
A new billboard advert for Sony's white PSP has caused consternation across the US videogaming community. Long ago, Sony used to make really amazingly cool ads instead of simply kicking up controversy.
"Disruption is the art of asking better questions, challenging conventional wisdom and overturning assumptions and prejudices that get in the way of imagining new possibilities and visionary ideas.
Sony plans on launching their teaser ad campaign this September educating consumers on the connectiviy between the PSP and PlayStation 3. This series of ads involve a group of middle aged men stalking 13 year olds in the world of Online Everquest
Sony of Cambodia's (SOC) President, Yietink Yung Boiserhot, stands behind the company's dicey new ad campains stating "The PS3 will be using our proprietary new 'ITouchUWhereUP' technology, which we hope will connect hard core middle aged gamers to a younger group of casual handheld users." He continued, "we will make tremendous strides when we upgrade the PSP firmware to connect to the PS3 cell processor using our patented Motion Link Echo Sensing Transcievers (MoLESTr) technology."
Anyone else smelling another Enron?
7/05/2006
National Geographic foregoes science to post truth!
Noah's Ark Discovered in Iran: The debate
by: Ima Luzincred
for National Geographic News
July 4, 2006
High in the mountains of northwestern Iran, a Christian archaeology expedition has discovered a rock formation that its members say resembles the fabled Noah's ark.
"It looks uncannily like wood," said Robert Cornuke, president of the Bible Archaeology Search and Exploration Institute (BASE), "We can claim to have conclusively found the ark, as it does look like the object that the ancients talked about," Cornuke said. When we asked about further proof, Cornuke stated that they had also found 2,107,349 skulls; two for each spceies and one for Noah," before running off with his 14 year old girlfriend.
This discovery has spawned fierce religous debates from renouned institutions such as Robert Morris University to the little known southern baptist Churches of Littletown Nutbaggery. Many have questioned the 40 cubit quarters of the ship could not house that many animals. Religous expert, and fundementalist Christian, Cray Zecook, promptly pointed out, "due to cubit inflation, that unit must have measured much longer back in those days." He went on to say, "40 cubits could hold a whole lot more animals back then. Also, Noah shrunk the animals with a shrink-ray."
When questioned further, Cray became sweaty and defensive, "Silly you say? A SHRINK-RAY? Yes, Noah just loaded all the animals in the world into a boat with no SHRINK-RAY." We continued to press Cray for information as he made his way towards his 1990 Chevrolet Caprice. Somehow frustrated, Cray concluded his conversation by saying, "Ok, ok...so let's suppose there was no shrink-ray back then. Hypothetically, if there were no shrink-rays, how you suppose Noah shrank all of those animals? EXACTLY! God would HAVE HAD to provide SHRINK-RAYS! END OF STORY!"
Meanwhile, ancient timber specialist Archibald Bridge, of England's Oxford Dendrochronology Laboratory, is doubtful that a wooden structure would have lasted long enough to petrify under ordinary conditions.
"Bible scholars think that Noah built his ark somewhere between 6,000 and 10,000 years ago, making preservation highly unlikely except in extreme environmental conditions," said Bridge. When we suggested Cray's theorem that Noah could have used some type of shrink ray to put all of the animals on a 40 cubit ship, the professor balked and "LOL"-ed. "But if that WERE true, ladies and gentlemen, why is there no mention of SHRINK-RAYS in the Bible?"
The professor then lit up a rather curvy pipe, looked at us knowingly and stated, "But there is an interesting matrix of Hebrew characters...that when you take every 518th letter, it spells out 'SPACE SHUTTLE EXPLOSION.'" Tapping his newly lit pipe out on his desk, he recanted, "well actually it spells 'SPC SHTL XPLSN' but you get the picture.
Editor's Note: Shortly after this article was printed, National Geographic went back to putting representations Sea Monsters in the oceans of all of their maps and a dotted line to represent the end of the earth.
"It looks uncannily like wood," said Robert Cornuke, president of the Bible Archaeology Search and Exploration Institute (BASE), "We can claim to have conclusively found the ark, as it does look like the object that the ancients talked about," Cornuke said. When we asked about further proof, Cornuke stated that they had also found 2,107,349 skulls; two for each spceies and one for Noah," before running off with his 14 year old girlfriend.
This discovery has spawned fierce religous debates from renouned institutions such as Robert Morris University to the little known southern baptist Churches of Littletown Nutbaggery. Many have questioned the 40 cubit quarters of the ship could not house that many animals. Religous expert, and fundementalist Christian, Cray Zecook, promptly pointed out, "due to cubit inflation, that unit must have measured much longer back in those days." He went on to say, "40 cubits could hold a whole lot more animals back then. Also, Noah shrunk the animals with a shrink-ray."
When questioned further, Cray became sweaty and defensive, "Silly you say? A SHRINK-RAY? Yes, Noah just loaded all the animals in the world into a boat with no SHRINK-RAY." We continued to press Cray for information as he made his way towards his 1990 Chevrolet Caprice. Somehow frustrated, Cray concluded his conversation by saying, "Ok, ok...so let's suppose there was no shrink-ray back then. Hypothetically, if there were no shrink-rays, how you suppose Noah shrank all of those animals? EXACTLY! God would HAVE HAD to provide SHRINK-RAYS! END OF STORY!"
Meanwhile, ancient timber specialist Archibald Bridge, of England's Oxford Dendrochronology Laboratory, is doubtful that a wooden structure would have lasted long enough to petrify under ordinary conditions.
"Bible scholars think that Noah built his ark somewhere between 6,000 and 10,000 years ago, making preservation highly unlikely except in extreme environmental conditions," said Bridge. When we suggested Cray's theorem that Noah could have used some type of shrink ray to put all of the animals on a 40 cubit ship, the professor balked and "LOL"-ed. "But if that WERE true, ladies and gentlemen, why is there no mention of SHRINK-RAYS in the Bible?"
The professor then lit up a rather curvy pipe, looked at us knowingly and stated, "But there is an interesting matrix of Hebrew characters...that when you take every 518th letter, it spells out 'SPACE SHUTTLE EXPLOSION.'" Tapping his newly lit pipe out on his desk, he recanted, "well actually it spells 'SPC SHTL XPLSN' but you get the picture.
Editor's Note: Shortly after this article was printed, National Geographic went back to putting representations Sea Monsters in the oceans of all of their maps and a dotted line to represent the end of the earth.
7/03/2006
The bedding endorsed by government-owned murders
Pressure-relieving material is the heart and soul of all of Temper-Rest® Scandinavian Mattresses which has helped us become today’s high-tech alternative to the 80-year-old innerspring mattress design. This breakthrough in sleep technology was originally developed for NASA as a coffin insert for their Space Shuttle series of death machines.
After nearly a twenty years and billions of research dollars, NASA scientists stumbled upon the perfected version of the material. In 1988, at a press conference held at its headquarters in Washington, D.C., NASA stated, “It costs this kind of money to invent things via our patented 'hapenstance' methodology. How do you think we invented aluminum foil; using science? Hardly!"
So what is the future vision of NASA scientists; a material that could provide pressure-relieving support to astronauts moments before our spacecraft explodes shortly after liftoff or upon re-entry into the earth's atmosphere. Temper-Rest's® dedication to producing the next “giant leap for mankind” is truly Changing the way our astronauts, and our consumers, sleep with the fishes!
6/28/2006
My fear of mustard and pickles is ruining my life
It rarely gets funnier than this.
If I were high, unemployed and home watching this stuff on my couch, I would never want to do anything else. Regardless of your stance on politics or religion; we must all agree that we are a seriously fucked up place when you have the luxury of being terrified of balloons, mustard and pickles.
6/27/2006
ATTENTION CHILDREN: Skin monster to come for you whilst you sleep
During a press conference in Monterrey, Mexico on June 26, 2006, local urban legend, 'The Skin Monster' tells children and medium sized animals that "I will be coming for you whilst you lie sleeping. GWAAAAAAARRRRRR!"
The Skin Monster weighed 1,235 pounds when he was last in captivity back in January 2003. Most people had wondered how it was possible for him to be so adjile, able to eat hundreds of pounds of flesh each night, with so much girth. Those questions were answered when the investigating doctors found a network of 10,000 legs under his cloth-like external liver that looks like a surrong.
When originally captured, the Skin Monster had this to say, "People think that I can eat a whole cow but, in actually, I could eat an entire field of naughty cows if they didn't listen to their parents." (AP Photo/Juan Manuel Villasenor)
King Awesome makes surprise visit from Shit Mountain
Prominent King Awesome offers up his best 'Fonz' impersonation in support of his Awesome Endowment for the Awesomeless, at a press conference at the foot of Shit Montain, Iraq Tuesday, June 27, 2006. (AP Photo/Khalid Mohammed)
6/21/2006
6/20/2006
6/19/2006
6/16/2006
6/05/2006
Hasslehoff's Blow Out Boxart Extravaganza!
I currently work in the internet department for a video retailer. Part of my job is to make sure that we are using the proper boxart for titles within our stores. We had one rabbid 'Hasslehoff-movie-renting-customer' complaining that we were using the wrong boxart for his stellar action movie 'Bail Out.' When I investigated the matter, there seemed to be endless varieties of boxart imagery for this title.
I have collected many of my findings here. Enjoy!
This cover makes it look like David Hasselhoff was caught in the act of something dirty; like trying to impersonate Richard Gere in the 1983 remake of Breathless. The blue tone of this cover makes me think this is a movie about hospital orderlies who use the term ‘Bail Out’ as a cooler way of saying ‘changing bed pans.’
I think my wife had the same look Linda Blair has on her face when I brought this DVD home over the weekend
“Come experience the wonder and amazement of the Oregon Coast with this educational DVD with commentary from 75% of David Hasslehoff’s face.” Seriously, there are 8 bajillion images of David floating around the internet. I think they could have got a complete headshot from somewhere
This one has a more-coarse Jim Morrison ‘I’m totally arty’ look. Unfortunately, the overwhelmingly poor choice of font face and ‘Ol’ Cap’n McDealie’s Golden Treasure Box o' Savings’ banner demolishes any degree of creativity to whatever lay underneath.
This is more like it; explosions, cross-hairsm bullet-laden text and blurry red cars! I now fully know what to expect when I rent this! My Saturday night will be ALL-RIGHT!
To Live and Die in LA meets The Best Little Whore House In Texas with a dash of Smokey and the Bandit! This picture shows that this DVD is still in its shrink wrap where it ultimately will continue to remain when the archeologists discover this item buried with the rest of our civilization in 1,000,000 years.
What in the world? Where did that tiny cop come from and why does he insist on shooting and showin’ his badge at the same time. Adding to the confusion' Linda Blair now looks 20 years older, 60 pounds heavier and a lot more like Delta Burke than she does in the second DVD cover. Having no idea what this movie is about, I would think I was watching a Baywatch, Designing Women, In the Heat of the Night television crossover.
This cover makes it look like David Hasselhoff was caught in the act of something dirty; like trying to impersonate Richard Gere in the 1983 remake of Breathless. The blue tone of this cover makes me think this is a movie about hospital orderlies who use the term ‘Bail Out’ as a cooler way of saying ‘changing bed pans.’
I think my wife had the same look Linda Blair has on her face when I brought this DVD home over the weekend
“Come experience the wonder and amazement of the Oregon Coast with this educational DVD with commentary from 75% of David Hasslehoff’s face.” Seriously, there are 8 bajillion images of David floating around the internet. I think they could have got a complete headshot from somewhere
This one has a more-coarse Jim Morrison ‘I’m totally arty’ look. Unfortunately, the overwhelmingly poor choice of font face and ‘Ol’ Cap’n McDealie’s Golden Treasure Box o' Savings’ banner demolishes any degree of creativity to whatever lay underneath.
This is more like it; explosions, cross-hairsm bullet-laden text and blurry red cars! I now fully know what to expect when I rent this! My Saturday night will be ALL-RIGHT!
To Live and Die in LA meets The Best Little Whore House In Texas with a dash of Smokey and the Bandit! This picture shows that this DVD is still in its shrink wrap where it ultimately will continue to remain when the archeologists discover this item buried with the rest of our civilization in 1,000,000 years.
What in the world? Where did that tiny cop come from and why does he insist on shooting and showin’ his badge at the same time. Adding to the confusion' Linda Blair now looks 20 years older, 60 pounds heavier and a lot more like Delta Burke than she does in the second DVD cover. Having no idea what this movie is about, I would think I was watching a Baywatch, Designing Women, In the Heat of the Night television crossover.
5/11/2006
I agree 100%
"I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it."
- Pablo Picasso
Wow and wow! This is exactly what keeps me from persuing challenges that are outside of my scope of experience and expertise. Going forward, I'll use this as my mantra for taking on new projects and challenges that I've been afraid to engage in my past.
5/09/2006
Beginning a sports rant
[My local sports team] is far superior to [your local sports team], and therefore I think you should get [violent and horrible event]ed.
5/05/2006
What's grosser than gross
GROSS:
When you use the urnial at work and it appears that someone has coughed up a pint sized loogie on the urinal cake.
GROSSER THAN GROSS:
It's not a loogie.
GROSSER THAN GROSSER THAN GROSS:
This is a true event and happened at my workplace this morning.
5/03/2006
A hero named 'Colbert'
From Salon.com:
"The real sign of Stephen Colbert's success at the White House Correspondents' Association dinner wasn't his jokes...Colbert's real feat: Showing us the real Washington media world, where everyone worries so much about offending someone, anyone, that the least bit of frank talk turns them into obedient little church mice."
Mr. Stephen Colbert not only tells us he's is going to leave a turd in the punchbowl, he drops his pants, inserts his pair of 12lb brass balls into the punch and shits out a whopping flu-like quantity of truthiness.
Bravo, sir. I am humbled and shamed by your unbelievable courage.
5/01/2006
There are rings around Uranus
There are rings around Uranus
Please don't think me unkind
I wonder what they're made of
It really blows my mind
It's big and green and made of gas
It sees no rain or shine
Uranus is a puzzle that
science can't unwind
When I'm feeling all alone
So lonely I could die
I look into my telescope and
Know just what I'll find
Uranus, big as life
Floating before my very eyes!
Uranus is a puzzle that
Science can't unwind.
"Uranus, tilted gently
Moving swiftly to one side"
Is what the planet Neptune thinks
When watching from behind
It has no atmosphere or
Oxygen of any kind
Yes sitting on Uranus would
Put one in a bind
Uranus is a puzzle that
Science can't unwind
4/26/2006
It's all about me!
Green Bay fans prepare for another 5-12 season as quarterback Brett Favre has told the Packers he will return to play this year, ESPN.com reported Tuesday night, April 25, 2006. The only reason I can think that he'd sign on again as that Favre must really, really, really hate spending time with his family. (AP Photo/Morry Gash)
4/13/2006
Why has He forsaken...He?
Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him?
- 1 Corinthians 11:14
cue muffled trumpet - "wha whaaaaaaaa"
3/28/2006
Five more reasons for why I should never be president
The list of reasons why I am not president is both long and long. As you can deride from my last sentence, not being able to come up with adjectives is one of my faults, but definitely NOT one of the reasons I shouldn't be president. Picking apart someone for their inability to speak, spell, or formulate sentences properly is not a barometer of a man's intelligence and can be shrugged off as public-nitpickery.
This first installment will go over just five of my many, many insane plans that keep me from entering the White House.
NO PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION
Prescription medications only do two things; make sick people better and make perfectly healthy people think that they are sick. While corporations are yielding great amounts of cash from this principle of 'breakeven,' an end to this capitalistic fleecing of the populace has got to stop. As president, I will make sure that all prescription medications are eliminated and every over the counter medication shall be pulled as a precaution.
Now, I know this will raise a few shackles, but my solution to this problem goes beyond brilliant and into the realm of Lovecraftian-simplicity.
BRAIN TRANSPLANTATION SURGERY BY 2008
Why do we work to cure cancer? What good comes from trying to build robotic appendages? Face transplantation surgery is from the mind of Dr. Frankenstein and solves nothing! In fact, most surgeries, and by 'most' I mean 'all' could be replaced by the simple act of removing the healthy brain from a patient and placing it into a perfectly healthy host body.
Obesity? Eliminated! Aging? Abolished! Flesh eating viruses are nothing more than a petty scab when you can take the brain out in time and put it into a new, perfectly mobile, 100% intact body.
But where will we be able get so many able-host bodies for the cause? Let me answer that question for you America!
HUMAN BODY CLONING, MINUS THE BRAIN
Well, duh! We are just beginning to crack the DNA code which will ultimately bring the end of disease and age; or so the scientists would lead you to believe. Science takes a long-ass time and we, as a people, want one hour, quick fix, instant oatmeal answers to even the hardest of life’s monumental dilemmas. How about we stop with the 'possibility' of ending plagues and mortal devastation through DNA research and just start reproducing bodies without brains for a little bit. Think I'm crazy? Uh-uh! Take a listen Poindexter as I gots da floor!
Imagine being Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie? How about having sex with either of them? What about an army of beautiful Angelina's having sex with a Lord of the Rings-like mob of Brad Pitts? Sound like something you might like? Listen; let me break it down for you. You, as an average Joe or Jane, are probably ugly. Wouldn't you like to look in the mirror and see Brad staring back at you? What about the Extreme Makeover rejects that wind up looking like men instead of a beautifully reconditioned female? Don't they deserve to look like Angelina instead? Well, if you take Brad or Angie’s DNA and remove the brain-making-parts, which, trust me, cannot be that freaking hard with those two, and make a million clones for a million brains...well, you have the best looking country in the fucking universe!
Don't like those two? Well, we'll have thousands of lifeless, celebrity looking corpses for you to select from. Imagine being in a car wreck where you would lose and arm, an eye, or even your heartbeat. Then imagine waking up and looking like Jennifer Aniston? Nothing helps in the healing process more than beautiful hair and a perfectly toned body.
The more you think of it the more sense this makes, right?
Now, I know there will be people who ask stupid questions like, “Mr. president, what will we do with all of these ugly carcasses? With millions of operations a day, won’t these husked corpses will begin to build up?” To that I’d answer, “well, don't you know nothing about anything, Mr. Nobody McUghsalot. Check this out.
THE END OF AGRICULTURE
Whoa! Curve ball comin’ at ya! How does one have to do with the other?
Well, our society was built on this concept of farming and re-sale and a principal so flawed that it is just gay to talk about for more than one sentence. Check out any Omni or Discover magazine in your dentist’s office and you'll know this is true. Earlier in my dissertation I talked about pulling the billions, if not trillions, of dollars away from the pharmaceutical companies. Now watch me eliminate the national debt and world hunger in about 200 words.
All of the bodies that are piling up are comprised of various nutrients. Now, before you all go crazy, I'm not actually theorizing about stripping the bones for meat. That is barbaric and wastes of human effort to even consider doing something of that magnitude. What I do recommend is that we take the bodies and boil them down so that all of the meat and fat, skin and organs slide off of the skeleton like a boiled chicken. The skeleton will then be used in the manufacture of high-tinsel tools and building materials that we will use to construct my bridge to the moon (second term as president). The rest of the brine will be picked free of hair, fingernails, gold teeth and other debris, then mashed up into a malleable paste. The labor force could be part of the 'brain surgery' package where new body recipients will be required to work off their excess medical costs by refining and milling this paste into a tasteless composite which will be then shipped off to a plant that will occupy a 12 state acreage in the middle of the country. More like, southern-middle, because nobody really gives a shit about that real estate anyway. Seriously, you can buy a house there today for like six bucks, so I don't think we'll have a problem with the zoning.
With trillions of gallons of this tasteless protein being produced on a daily basis, what is there to do with it?
JELLY BELLY SHARES TO EXPLODE
Buy the stock now, cause they are going to be the largest supplier of flavoring for my new protein-packed, taste-anyway-you-want-it-to snack; The Ameri-Bar. And what a Merry Bar it is, packing in a whopping 100% of every vitamin and mineral you need for every meal. If Jelly Belly Jellybeans can taste like buttered popcorn and French toast, there is no reason that we can't get the building blocks of God's creation to taste like root beer floats and pumpkin pie.
The best part is that we will have a tremendous abundance of this product that we will have the international market spinning trying to keep up. We'll ship these off by the barge full every few hours to Ethiopia, Madagascar, Mexico, Chile, Alabama or where ever there is a modicum of hunger to ensure that no man, woman or child will ever starve again. Add to this, we won't really need hospitals any longer so we can use them as storage facilities for our ever growing stockpiles of America's Finest Resource; freshly hollowed out corpses! Every export will be 100% American made and handled by the most beautiful people on earth.
WHAT THIS REALLY MEANS FOR MY PEOPLE
With everyone so pretty, we will be focused on making prettier and more attractive looking people. More attractive people will need to constantly replace the leagues of passé-beauty that Angelina and Brad will ultimately represent. This means we can have the Brad Pitt Ameri-Bars made entirely of Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie corpses. In addition, because the brain will live for a much longer time than our older bodies, reproduction will nearly cease. Sure, will be fucking like crazed rabbits, but with the DNA problems we are bound to encounter, one day we will have completely sterilized the able bodied people of our great nation. That means America will need to stay strong at 450 million brains indefinitely for something I like to call the semi-circle of life.
I’ve save the best for last, as these new technologies and medical procedures become more and more commonplace, there will be no need for people to stay at home and watch television 4, 8, 12 hours a day. People will have only new bodies, sex with beautiful people, and creating Ameri-Bars to occupy their time. This means no more medical dramas, CSI’s, Law and Orders, or the increasingly gay 24 to flood every conversation around the work cooler. The airwaves will be freed up to show nothing but beautiful people’s faces along with a phone number to call when you want to schedule your body migration surgery…which will eventually be done by robot.
"Sayonara you CSI muthafuckas!"
"Idleness is not doing nothing. Idleness is being free to do anything."
- Floyd Dell
3/23/2006
Nude Britney Spears sculpture makes us all a little gayer
From the Capla Kesting Fine Art Gallery in Brooklyn:
"A nude Britney Spears on a bearskin rug while giving birth to her firstborn marks a "first" for Pro-Life. Pop-star Britney Spears is the "ideal" model for Pro-Life and the subject of a dedication at Capla Kesting Fine Art in Brooklyn's Williamsburg gallery district, in what is proclaimed the first Pro-Life monument to birth, in April.
Image courtesy of Earvolution Britney provides inspiration for those struggling with the 'right choice'," said artist Daniel Edwards, recipient of a 2005 Bartlebooth award from London's The Art Newspaper. "She was number one with Google last year, with good reason - uneducated white trash are inspired by the beauty of a pregnant woman just out of high school. Also, people like seeing famous people naked." said Edwards.
Image courtesy of Earvolution Personally, as a father and Christian*, I personally believe that we should reverse-abortionate Brittney Spears’ and her Wal-Martain-like kin. * By ‘Christian,’ I mean that I am an avid believer in the teachings of WWE’s wrestling duo Edge and Christian.
Image courtesy of Earvolution Britney provides inspiration for those struggling with the 'right choice'," said artist Daniel Edwards, recipient of a 2005 Bartlebooth award from London's The Art Newspaper. "She was number one with Google last year, with good reason - uneducated white trash are inspired by the beauty of a pregnant woman just out of high school. Also, people like seeing famous people naked." said Edwards.
Image courtesy of Earvolution Personally, as a father and Christian*, I personally believe that we should reverse-abortionate Brittney Spears’ and her Wal-Martain-like kin. * By ‘Christian,’ I mean that I am an avid believer in the teachings of WWE’s wrestling duo Edge and Christian.
3/14/2006
Two weeks of absolute hell
To all 12 people who have bookmarked this blog, my apologies for not being here to update over the last few weeks. It has been a tough 2006 thus far with my grandmother passing away and my daughter reaching into Pink Floyd's 'comfortably numb' territory with a 104 fever.
To add to that, my hosting service has deleted my blog.html page from its servers. They say that bad things happen in threes, so let's hope this is it. Finger's crossed.
3/09/2006
Microsoft Unveils Project Origami
HANOVER, Germany - Microsoft Corp. finally took the wraps off its mysterious Project Origami on Thursday, unveiling a computer that's about the size of a large kitchen island but runs a full version of the Windows XP operating system.
The ultra-portable, wireless-enabled PC is everything a full computer or laptop is, minus the keyboard. Weighing about 270 1/2 pounds, the 10-inch thick device sports a 27-inch touch-sensitive screen that responds to a stylus the size of a horses leg or the punch of a fist.
"It really opens up new possibilities for PC use," said Garth 'Fatty' Mitchell, corporate vice president of Microsoft's Gianormo-Platforms Division.
"The whole Origami concept may very well change what devices people are going to carry via horse back," Mitchell said. "It's not a pocketable device, but it's certainly small enough to be kept close at hand in the back of your SUV with all of the seats out, and the fact that it runs Windows means that it can do a variety of tasks, from productivity to games to media consumption." He then added, "since it runs Windows, we expect it to crash, or be hacked by the close of today's show."
3/07/2006
Yet another reason not to live in South Dakota
Gov. Mike Rounds looks up into an empty office as he prepares to sign a bill that bans nearly all abortions in South Dakota Monday. The measure is designed to challenge the U.S. Supreme Court 1973 Roe v Wade decision that legalized abortion and bring a much needed populous to the state that houses just under 10,000 full time residents. (AP Photo/Joe Kafka)
2/27/2006
Out of Office AutoReply:
I am out of the office as my Grandmother has gone downstream. As another one of my relations pass, they erode the bank upon which I stand. Sooner or later, I'm going in too.
Be back soon.
2/22/2006
Holy shit! Competant and smuggless picture of George Bush released to press
In this picture, George Bush looks like a man you could actually respect. It is almost like you could believe him when he'd say something like, "I was unaware of the pending sale of shipping operations at six major U.S. seaports to a state-owned business in the United Arab Emirates until the deal already had been approved by my administration."
Unfortunately, this is merely a snapshot moments before he sneezed without covering his mouth. Seconds later, he was caught wiping his nose on his sleeve. Those photographs have been siezed under the rules of the Patriot Act, section 74, line 18; in the clause about displaying the President's nasal occupants, past and present.
Never mind...he's back to looking looking >>Patriot Act exclusion; section 128, line 2; the President of the US will not be referred to as 'a retarded monkey on the shitter'<< again.
Of all my many colored days, today would definitely be considered 'olive'
Marwan Othman El-Hindi, 42, center, a U.S. citizen born in Jordan, is escorted by officials after being indicted by a federal grand jury on terrorism charges, Tuesday, Feb. 21, 2006, at the Federal Courthouse, in Toledo, Ohio. Marwan protested his arrest saying, "My only crime was smuggling in a truck load of explosives from Canada."* (AP Photo/Madalyn Ruggiero)
* This joke sounds much better if you give him an accent when you read that line. If you can't envision this, print this post out and bring it down to your local 7-11 and have the teller read this aloud. Hilarity will undoubtably ensue.
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