Microsoft's Iranian Xbox 360 Event

Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, waits for a shipment of Xbox 360's that will never arrive, in Tehran, Iran, Tuesday, Jan. 31, 2006. Bill Gates stated that Microsoft would be unveiling the Xbox 360 in Iran in January, but as the month closes out, there has been no communication and no Xbox 360's shipped to Iran. The U.N. Security Council has deceided to allocate Iran's Xbox 360 shipments until after a formal report on Tehran's pre-order activities with Sony's Playstation 3. (AP Photo/ISNA, Mehdi Ghasemi)

What's the big deal about Steeler football?

Being a Steeler fan means so much more than football. At least that's what 30+ emails have been telling me since Pittsburgh beat Denver in the playoffs last week. Residents of Pittsburgh are telling me that the city is all about heritage, hard work and pride. To me, that's just bullshit. While I now live in Portland, Oregon; spending my first 25 years in Pittsburgh will always make that town my 'home.' However, my memory of Pittsburgh residents is not the stalwart, Blue-collar superman as depicted in these emails, but more a Stanley P. Kachowski security guard who spends most of his time ‘waitin’ for the ol' disability check.’ I was taught, via school and through example, that these hard core/ex-steelworker-types, were not worth aspiring to and that the goal of existence was to never have to perform a 'dirty job' like mill work. There always seemed to be an extreme predjudice and negative connotation towards people who chose to work inside Pittsburgh's dead art of steel. That is, until football season came around. Come preseason everyone is supposed to believe that anyone who lives in Pittsburgh has smelt iron and shat rivets at one point in their life. My choice to move away from a city of such history and greatness was a difficult one. Carnegie Museum, The Cathedral of Learning, multiple sports teams, and a rich tapestry of cultural diversity made Pittsburgh a city that had a little something for everyone. However, day to day life around the city seemed to be fraught with a debilitating sense of depression. It was like once the steel mills left, the city no longer had an identity. The key identifier of what made Pittsburgh strong was gone, leaving a gaping expanse of ‘what in the fuck do we do now?’ Through most of the 80’s and 90’s, Pittsburgh reinvented as a city of business. It is now a strong city and a proud city; however, it seems to be a city stuck doing splits between the concept of what it was and what it can become. Once defined in the steel mills, strong in muscle and covered in sweat, this city is now dry cleaned and pressed. Where my grandparents fought with fire and white-hot embers to make steel, the next generation fought to make sure the steel on their $75,000 Harley Davidson was properly chromed. Pittsburghers still want to be tough, but their collar has changed from blue to whatever color collar comes with a $90 golf shirt. When you drive a Lexus and make more in a month than your entire family made in the year 1970, it is hard to comprehend what a Steelers victory actually meant to those people who were out of work, trying to claw through life with a dreadful case of black lung. I want the Pittsburgh Steelers to win on Sunday. My ritual will be the same; same clothes, same place on the couch, same coffee cake and with the same cathartic ranting of a lunatic. But, let’s put this in perspective; these are ‘Our Steelers.’ This isn’t Mean Joe Greene or Jack Lambert, this isn’t Rocky Blier or Terry Bradshaw; and this game certainly isn’t for steel and Pierogies. This Super Bowl is about strength in a new world and the possibility of greatness for Pittsburgh outside of silt and slag.

Splinter Cell on Xbox 360 screenshots

BOOM! HEAD SHOT! Veteran agent Sam Fisher is back. But he’s never faced an enemy like this before. To stop the devastating election results, he must infiltrate a vicious terrorist group and destroy it from within. More enemies, more weapons, less direction than ever before For the first time ever, experience the relentless tension and gut-wrenching dilemmas of life as a double agent. As you infiltrate one of Hamas' 76 seats in the 132-member parliament, you must carefully weigh the consequences of your actions. Enemy spawn points generate random weapons with almost unlimited ammo. Is Sam up to the task of seeking diplomacy, or will he have to kill them all? Kill too many criminals and you’ll blow your cover. Hesitate too long and millions will die. Do whatever it takes to complete your mission, but get out alive.

Guerrilla War in the U.S.A.

"It is undesirable to believe a proposition when there is no ground whatsoever for supposing it is true." - Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)

What Really Matters: No Booth Babes at E3

From Yahoo News: "Rules prohibiting the use of scantily clad young women to peddle video games now include a $5,000 fine on the spot for the booth owner if the "booth babe" is semi-clad. "What's new in 2006 is an update and clarification of the enforcement policies; as we do from time to time, we have taken steps to ensure that exhibitors are familiar with the policy and how it will be enforced," Mary Dolaher, E3Expo show director, said in an e-mail." These girls are HOT! What Really Matters This announcement is nothing more than a '‘scare' article to deter the thousands of socially handicapped boys who dote and drool upon girls that have lower standards than most porn stars. Sleep well otaku; E3 will still be booth babes, girls on the floor will still be barely dressed, and just like last year I will still have to make excuses to my wife of why I have so many pictures of myself with them. This press release/information leak is nothing more than E3 trying to generate more interest in the show. The restriction that is being raised is something that has been on the books for a few years now. The point of contention is "NO BATHING SUIT BOTTOMS" which means leotards, hot pants, and shorty-McJorts are all fair game. As a long-time gamer and married-type-person, I could give a crap about these girls. They are there to hand out pamphlets for games no one cares about while being constantly surrounded by the smelliest people on earth. Even if they cut these girls out entirely it wouldn'’t kill anyone. The show is held in Los Angeles for Christ's sake. Half the girls that walk the strip in Santa Monica are dressed in less and are twice as attractive as any girl that would wear a Majesco logo across their ass. What this would mean is that most people would spend less time on the floor and more time in taxi cabs going between strip clubs and the beach. Lord know the patrons of E3 could do with getting some sun and, much needed, exercise.

What in the fuck do you people want from me?

You guys are all in college, right? Your parents could afford to send you here, so that means your families have money. I'm just looking out for the best interests of your families by eliminating the filthy, whorish and poorish underbelly of this country. Why do you think 3000+ poor people are still missin' after Katrina? Cause we don't want to find them, that's why. With my $12.7 billion cut to education assistance, I'm making sure that those darkies don't creep into the schools to impregnate your sons and daughters, thus cutting down on abortion which will soon be illegal again anyway. It's all part of my party's Master Plan. Once we eliminate the poor from our society, we can begin to erradicate the Jews and Negros. It's simple math, people; the scheming Jew and his swarming army of colored inferiors will be our undoing if not properly monitored by planned exportation or, say, something like a 'prison-type-camp' thingy. Now do you understand? Alright, next question?

Acquitted NBA Rapist taking it to a different hole

How does one describe Kobe's 81 points? How about a premeditated, predatory, intimidating and carefully planned assault against the home team's 18-inch rim. Bryant had a few dunks and layups thrown in there, but it was mostly his deep, penatration the exposed the vulnerability of the Raptors. Kobe stated after the game that "[it was my] desire for control, power and domination which was my numero uno motivatorto." Bryant isolated Jalen Rose, Mo Pete, Mike James and Charlie V early in the game and proceeded to victimize them score after score. Bryant exhibited a measure of psychological and physical control over the Raps allowing him continually re-victimize them again and again. The Raptors tried to convince themselves that nothing deviant had happened on the court. Sam Mitchell, coach of the Raptors spoke through tears and a silver police blanket "Kobe ultimately wasn't playing to hurt me and the Raptors. He was playing against all the guys who never scored 80, or even 70 -- Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Dominique Wilkins, Allen Iverson, Shaquille O'Neal..." Mitchell's voice began to quiver as he said, "when he hurts us like this, it only means he loves us." Mitchell then completely fell apart, burying his face into his hand before being escorted out of the press conference by the Toronto police psychologist.

Black and Gold, Steeler Pride

Ize gotsa feelin' Pittsburgh's goin' to da Super Bowl Ize gotsa feelin' Dis guy's runnin' to da Taco Bell

Cardnals fan takes questions from abortion protestors

Pro-choice supporters, left, argue with pro-life supporter Brad Luberda, far right, during a pro-life march at the Supreme Court Building. This further proves my pount that Cardinal fans can't seem to get anything right. (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

Flags are a big responsibility, and you need to respect that.

Flags; we love what they show of our heritage, our pride, our blind allegiance. But flags aren't all for show and pomp. Flags are a big responsibility, and you need to respect that. Here are a few tips that will help keep your home, family and cloth garments flame-resistant, flame-retardant, and flame-lessly-flameless all year round. When purchasing a flag, choose material that won't easily ignite if it comes in contact with heat or flame or hate filled riot spawned from a comic strip. Sometimes even the meekest forms of satire can cause your flag to burst into flames. Avoid billowing or long trailing conversations about religion, politics, or soccer. Keep flags and other icons of your nationality well away from all open flames and heat sources, including light bulbs, heaters, and nut bags who will tell you that it is a treason against the Lord to have icons outside of 'His' image. Use flashlights as alternatives to candles or torches when parading and/or protesting with your flag. It is much more likely that you will recover from a beating with a maglite that you would from being burned over 80% of your body when you are wrapped up in your flag and set ablaze by people who don't share the same opinion as you. When presenting the flag at your residence, make sure you have a flagpole offset from your house to delay the inevitable house fire that will come when people in your neighborhood get wind of your patriotism. Remember to keep exits clear of flags, ensuring nothing blocks escape routes to your beloved freedom/cursed freedom (depending on what country you are from). Instruct children to stay away from flags that are different than yours and, if they do get to close, make sure they know how to stop, drop and roll in the event their clothing catches fire. (Stop immediately, drop to the ground, covering your face with your hands, and roll over and over to extinguish flames while screaming 'I am one of you, for the love of whatever God we believe in put me out!') Oh, and don't write on your flag. That's just downright disrespectful and fucking rude to boot!

Call out to my man Simon, finger lickin' good y'all

I wanted to apologize for the severe blight of new entries over this past week. I am currently in the process of developing a book based on the posts from this site which should be done and ready for distribution by the end of February. While I realize new posts are coming at a snail's pace, I thought I would take an opportunity to thank the one person who introduced me to this wonderful world of blogging in the first place. Thank you Sir Simon Date, aka: Britintheus, for your invaluable contribution to tasteless comedy on the internet.

America's love affair with white chicks in trouble

"The United States does not negotiate with terrorists," the President said. What we didn't hear was the asterisk the President placed just after the word 'terrorists' where he adds this little gem, "unless terrorists threaten to do something to a young, white girl. Then, shit, we'll give you whatever you crazy fuckers want." Whether it be reporter and hostage Jill Carroll or young honor student, Natalee Holloway, America just can't get enough white girls caught up in terrible situations. This strange fascination reveals itself in the plot 99% of all pornographic made in the United States. Now before you get all up in my grill, don't tell me you haven't seen a movie involving an innocent, blonde-haired, white girl who gets caught up in all of the glitz and glamour of the big city. It is only after she opens up her trust that she has her flower and purity violated profusely by some dastardly fiend. Those movies don't work when the innocent girl is hispanic, black, or asian as it is strictly an American concept that white girls are fragile and innocent and how men are outraged when they aren't the ones doing the sexing or the killing.

We called him 'Sir'

New York Knicks' unveiled their newest secret weapon, the 11' tall Antonio Davis. Davis' obscene height allowed him to make three point shots by stretching out and dropping basketballs into the hoop. Unfortunately, in his first game against the Chicago Bulls, Davis went berzerk. Perhaps from the hormone or steroid therapy, Davis began to sniff at members of the Chicago Bull's team and eventually started taking large bites out of their flesh. Davis was ejected from the game after the incident and later had to be put down. In memory of Antonio Davis: 1987-2006 (AP Photo/Jeff Roberson)

I'd like to read from a prepared statement, if I could...

Democrats have been getting up in my grill about right-to-die cases, presidential authority and ethics throughout the course of these hearings. I thought that I would take this opportunity to over some of my personal observations on such issues so that we are all on the same page at the start of day four. *ahem* When I, Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito, had my first abortion, back in the summer of 1976, I thought my life was over. It began as a dream come true — Jim and I had the perfect relationship; we talked about everything for hours, home, sports the future; it didn't matter about the subject. We were in love, and I felt like a princess. However, when I became pregnant, my fairy-tale relationship ended. After my abortion, my relationship with Jim wasn't the same any more. Not a day goes by when I don't think about our baby and what he would have looked like. I have wondered about his talents. Would he have played basketball like his dad and his father or would he be a musician? Maybe he would even be a scientist or an abortion clinic bomber. The terrible truth is that I'll never know. For this reason I disagree with the landmark 1973 Supreme Court decision, Roe v. Wade, that legalized abortion. Not because a conservative, white male, but because I know the damage that abortions can cause to a relationship first hand. Now gentlemen; on with your questions. (AP Photos/Charles Dharapak)

Yes, you, the person behind that afro-child in the front

President Bush, right, and first lady Laura Bush, middle, work feverishly to avoid eye contact with a black* student in Glen Burnie, MD, Monday, Jan. 9, 2006. Bush marked the fourth anniversary of the "4 Child Left Behind Act," by visiting North Glen Elementary, a suburban Baltimore school. "We have a morals and obligations to make sure every child got a good education," Bush told a largely white audience in the school gym. "I want ta make sure that we challenge the failures of education and not to place blame on the ones in charge of cutting education spending by 1000 percent." (AP Photo/Evan Vucci) * The term "African-American" is a label used exclusively by white people to make them feel more at ease and slightly noble. This is all part of my 'Down with crackaz and the cracka-talk dey speak' series of lectures.

Father of LSD Celebrating 100th Birthday

Albert Hofmann, discoverer of LSD and former head of the research department of Swiss chemical company Sandoz turns 100 years young tomorrow. Hofmann was the first person to test the drug when a tiny amount of the substance seeped onto his finger during a repeat of the laboratory experiment* in April 1943. "Everything I saw was distorted as in a warped mirror," he subsequently wrote, noting his surprise that LSD was able to produce "such a far-reaching, powerful, inebriated condition without leaving a hangover. [Ultimately] I was filled with an overwhelming fear that I would go crazy. I was transported to a different world, a different time, a place I couldn't comprehend. Hofmann went on to state that "who would have guessed that taking LSD when I was 37 would be a window to what life is actually like for me at age 100; I'm totally confused, completely out of place, in a world that makes no sense to me whatsoever." (AP Photo/Keystone/Walter Bieri) *Editor's Note: I tried to use this same excuse when I wound up in the police station after an LSD experience I had in college.

Holy Frozen Fish Sticks, Batman!

Vice President Dick Cheney, foreground left, is driven by Karl Eberle, vice president and general manager of Gotham City operations, during a tour of Cheney's Penguin Ice Production & Frozen Fish Stick Distribution plant in Gotham City, USA., Friday, Jan. 6, 2006. After touring the plant, Cheney declared positive signs for defeating the Batman using his army of penguins armed with stinger missiles. "During this unseasonably cold weather pattern," Cheney pledged, "we will use all of our control over semi-marine life including polar bears and sea lions and to take down Ol' Bats. Wah wha wah wah wah wah wah." (AP Photo/Orlin Wagner)

Sharon is on the roof

Vice Premier Ehud Olmert is house sitting for Omri Sharon -- feeding the cat, getting the mail, etc. Omri calls to check in. "I’m sorry," says the Vice Premier, "but your father died." "What do you mean my father died? How could you do this to me? You should have prepared me for the shock," says Omri. "How was I supposed to prepare you?" asks the Vice Premier. "Well," says Omri, "first you should have told me, my father is on the roof, but don’t worry, we’re calling the fire department. Then the next time we talked you should have said, the fire department was doing everything it could and not to worry. Then the next time I called you can tell me that my father had fallen, but not to worry -- the doctors were doing everything she could to resuscitate him. Then, finally, you could have told me that my father had died." "Sorry, I should have thought first" said the Vice Premier, who was quite embarrassed at this point. "So anyway, how is the rest of the country?" "Um," says the Vice Premier, "your country is on the roof...."

Just because you understand something doesn't mean you understand it

Perception is not as realistic as it seems. The job of perception is not to give you an accurate view of the world but something that helps your survival. When you meet a bear in the forest, it's important to run the other way, but the precise position of the bear isn't critical. So, when my boss tells me that the perception at work is that I am coming in at 10 and leaving at 2, well, he can just go fuck himself.

Chris Berman to play Jack Abramoff in ESPN's made for TV movie

Chris Berman prepares for a scene where his character, Jack Abramoff, arrives at the federal justice building in Miami just before he plead quilty to criminal charges stemming from the 2000 purchase of SunCruz Casinos. We caught up with Berman after the scene and he told us that, "it isn't difficult for me to capture the complete lack of style of Jack 'Abraham-Lincoln-off. I just go rumblin-bumblin-stumblin through the Goodwill dump bins looking for styles that tippify my, I mean his, complete lack of personality. WOOP!" (AP Photo/Lynne Sladky)

Carmen Sandiego's Partner to be Sodomized Profusely

Carmen Sandiego is a thorn in the ACME Detective Agency's side. A brilliant globe-trotting thief, she learned all of her best tricks in her days as ACME's greatest operative. Now, she has a partner in crime who is no small time roustabout! Jack Abramoff, the once-powerful lobbyist charged with federal conspiracy, tax evasion and mail fraud, agreeing to cooperate with prosecutors investigating influence peddling that has threatened powerful members of the U.S. Congress is once again up to no good! Expand your kids' knowledge of world geography and federal misdemeanors as they travel to 50 countries, gather clues, and take guided tours through scrolling landscapes filled with music and money laundering. To solve cases or gather information for school assignments, a rich electronic database is included, featuring essays, spectacular color photos, and video clips from HBO's prison drama 'OZ'.(AP Photos/Gerald Herbert)

I Have Become Utterly Unhireable

2006 is the year I become get out of this hole; either by hard work, or from atop a bell tower with a 50-caliber rifle. Over the past seven years (and more-so over the last two) the company I work in has allowed me to completely shut my brain off. When I go on interviews, I wind up sounding like an over-eager Future Business Leaders of America moron who hasn't been in an actual business conversation in his lifetime. I am reaping the rewards of a tapestry sewn of sloth. Apparently, being 'the most cynical bastard in the universe' has left me at an arms length from everyone who has left the company onto greener pastures. Instead of reading "Bringing comedy and Laughter into the Workplace," I should have instead gone with, "Corporate Ass-Kissery for the Talentless Hack." While it would have made me less approachable, it would have made me infinitely more promotable. I have no plans of riding this wake of a company out to its conclusion. While I am here, I am now working to educate myself as much as possible so that when my next round of interviews pops up, I sound more like a laureate than Stan Laurel. >sigh< That rifle is looking more and more like a reasonable offer...