Flags are a big responsibility, and you need to respect that.

Flags; we love what they show of our heritage, our pride, our blind allegiance. But flags aren't all for show and pomp. Flags are a big responsibility, and you need to respect that. Here are a few tips that will help keep your home, family and cloth garments flame-resistant, flame-retardant, and flame-lessly-flameless all year round. When purchasing a flag, choose material that won't easily ignite if it comes in contact with heat or flame or hate filled riot spawned from a comic strip. Sometimes even the meekest forms of satire can cause your flag to burst into flames. Avoid billowing or long trailing conversations about religion, politics, or soccer. Keep flags and other icons of your nationality well away from all open flames and heat sources, including light bulbs, heaters, and nut bags who will tell you that it is a treason against the Lord to have icons outside of 'His' image. Use flashlights as alternatives to candles or torches when parading and/or protesting with your flag. It is much more likely that you will recover from a beating with a maglite that you would from being burned over 80% of your body when you are wrapped up in your flag and set ablaze by people who don't share the same opinion as you. When presenting the flag at your residence, make sure you have a flagpole offset from your house to delay the inevitable house fire that will come when people in your neighborhood get wind of your patriotism. Remember to keep exits clear of flags, ensuring nothing blocks escape routes to your beloved freedom/cursed freedom (depending on what country you are from). Instruct children to stay away from flags that are different than yours and, if they do get to close, make sure they know how to stop, drop and roll in the event their clothing catches fire. (Stop immediately, drop to the ground, covering your face with your hands, and roll over and over to extinguish flames while screaming 'I am one of you, for the love of whatever God we believe in put me out!') Oh, and don't write on your flag. That's just downright disrespectful and fucking rude to boot!