Hello stupid! Yes, I'm talking to you, the guy interested in buying this piece of garbage game from Electronic Arts for the 800th time so you can have updated rosters.
Last year's version of Madden*
Madden NFL 06 continues to prove the theory that the majority of sports gamers are freakin' idiots. This should not come as a shock to anyone in the video game business, as sales of Madden and the decrepit NBA Live series have exceed that of the far superior Sega Sports and 2K Games titles.
This year's version of Madden*
"You must be either blind or retarded" said a friend of mine while we played both this year's Madden NFL 06 offering and last year's version of NFL 2K5 simultaneously. I could only concur with my friend as my quarterback in Madden 06 slowly swam backwards and was tackled by a linebacker's enormous head. Seriously, when all 22 players are on the field in this game it looks like a hydro cephalus battallion. I half expect the game to begin with my team getting off a very small bus while ranting "I number one! Me very best at playing football! YAY!"
Return vistors, please note:
Because many early visitors to this auction could not understand satire, I have replaced my comic, PSOne images with actual Madden NFL 06 and ESPN 2K5 screenshots. This makes the content of this auction turn less 'ha ha funny' and more 'uncomfortable laugh funny.'
Goodbye farce, we hardly knew ye!
Of the two pictures shown below, which one looks more like an actual image of football? Pay close attention to the texture of the jersey, musculature and stadium reflection in the player's helmets. While neither is slouch when compared to Joe Montana's Sports Talk football, one clearly looks more correct than the other. Also, for some reason, Madden designers seem to believe that football players have gia-normous heads in relation to their bodies.
Feel:
The feel of football has still not been perfected in electronic form as hockey was in NHL 2K2 on Dreamcast. There is really no substitute for taking the ball as a running back and charging up the middle, taking anyone out in your path. But as these games go, I am commenting on the game's pacing and animations when it comes to crucial moments. Again, 2K Game's title allows for far more diversity and originality in this category. Whether you are moving the ball from one arm to another, making a crucial juke to send a tackler diving into the turf, or high stepping into the end zone, 2K's got it down with a smoothness that escapes Madden's clunky, pivoting character models.
SATIRE WARNING: Actual in-game dialogue from Madden NFL 06:
Keep in mind this is LAST YEAR'S VERSION OF 2K5!!!
I have played Madden games since 1992 on my Apple and have loved many seasons of hardcore gridiron game playing. Madden hit it's stride on the 16 bit consoles and seemed to be an unstoppable juggernaut destroying the likes of Ditka and Montana. Then came Playstation and the Gameday series which looked sizably better than Madden's aging game. Madden has been playing catch-up ever since. Gameday repeatedly trounced Madden in sales in the late nineties until Dreamcast came out. Visual Concept's NFL 2K offered graphics and gameplay that had been unforeseen in games to date. The only problem is, the NFL 2K series was branded to the failed Dreamcast console. What happens now is a tragedy for gamers everywhere.
In Madden NFL 06, numbers unrealistically squash and stretch with the polygons instead of with player's movement. Also, players appendages, like arms, are out of proportion with the body. This guy wouldn't have to bend over to tie his shoes.
In NFL 2K5 numbers on the jerseys don't distort when a player stretches or turns and, what's this, actual definition to the player jerseys?
In the past few years, gamers are confused by the multitude of pigskin titles out there. Madden, 2K, Fever, Gameday, Blitz all crowd the football market. When gamers are confronted by so many choices, they opt out to what they are comfortable with, something they've heard of, something warm and cozy like your first blanket: Madden. While in no means a terrible game, it is definitely sub-par when it comes to advancement of the genre.
Because EA realized their product sucks the big Madden, they have opted to go and purchase the rights for the NFL license for the next several years. You can expect video game football to enter a dark age for several years to come. With no other companies even close to the standards set by the NFL 2K series, it will be a long time before EA gets up off its lazy programming ass and produces a football title worthy of real football players.
If this is how McNabb throws, I'm sorry. Seriously, if you follow his arms to where they would actually meet his torso, his neck would be nearly 18" long. Also, Number 83's arms are thicker than his legs.
The closest I could find on the web to that McNabb image was this Farve image from NFL 2K5. While not the most dynamic image, take a look at the definition on his arms and how Terrell Suggs' arms are more realistically proportioned for his body.
EA Sez: "Go (your team)! We disgrace video gamers by paying no attention to detail and force-feeding them garbage every year. The buyer's of our tripe disgrace the gaming community by continually not caring. $59.99 please!"
EA is a dictatorship that perpetuates sub par games to the masses. The more you buy into it, the less they will care about delivering a game that is worth the disc it's printed on. If you don't mind playing Special Olympics football with your friends, have at Madden incarnations of the future. If you care anything for the state of Football games on the market, do not buy a Madden title until they get it right. The choice is yours.
That said, I have upped the price on this used game an additional $10 to further prove my point that Madden NFL 06 players are as mind-numbingly retarded as I have claimed above.
* Satire (sat·ire)
Pronunciation: 'sa-"tIr
Function: noun
1 : a literary work holding up human vices and follies to ridicule or scorn
2 : trenchant wit, irony, or sarcasm used to expose and discredit vice or folly
These images are from the Nintendo 64 version of Madden 2001 and the Atari 2600 version of football. Anyone who becomes offended by this article centered around video gaming, please learn to take a joke.
Madden NFL 2006 (Xbox) Blight of the Videogame Industry 
Madden NFL 06 (released last week)
NFL 2K5 (released last year)
In Madden NFL 06, numbers unrealistically squash and stretch with the polygons instead of with player's movement. Also, players appendages, like arms, are out of proportion with the body. This guy wouldn't have to bend over to tie his shoes.
If this is how McNabb throws, I'm sorry. Seriously, if you follow his arms to where they would actually meet his torso, his neck would be nearly 18" long. Also, Number 83's arms are thicker than his legs.
The closest I could find on the web to that McNabb image was this Farve image from NFL 2K5. While not the most dynamic image, take a look at the definition on his arms and how Terrell Suggs' arms are more realistically proportioned for his body.
ESPN NFL 2K5 makes games between the 49ers & Bears look good!
1 comment:
That was damn good!
Post a Comment