Stem Cell Research to kill millions of babies this year alone

WASHINGTON (AP) — Satan Majority Leader Bill Frist on Friday threw his support behind legislation to expand federal financing for embryonic stem cell research, thus signing the death warrant for millions of unborn babies by the end of 2005 and, worse, could impact his prospects for seeking the White House in 2008. As a reporter for the Christian Science Monitor my limited understanding tells me that Stem Cell Research is the latest craze in the medical community and is a process where babies are taken apart, piece by piece for spare parts. Are we to stand by and allow God's children to be subjects for Dr. Frankenstien Jr's experiments and morbid curiosities? As Jesus said in the bible, 'No god dammed way, Jose.' Frist's decision brought quick praise from leading Democrats and Satanic cultists. "It is a decision that will bring hope to millions of Americans," said Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid of Nevada. What he should have said was, "My efforts will ensure that we have a baby blight in this country so that those damn Indian's and Mexican's will outnumber us and make us slaves in no time flat." If there's something the United States needs, its more children. Personally, my second wife and I have 7 kids between the two of us and we are working on our first together. We can't be responsible for carrying this burden alone if the Demo-nazi's are going to make popcorn shrimp appetizers out of America's children. I don't know, America, what seems to be the problem with you. My limited education, obediant faith in Jesus Christ's 2000+ year old teachings, and inability to read brochures on the subject tell me that this stem cell research is a bad thing. Why aren't you all behind me with this? Will it be me alone in heaven asking God why everybody else is having such a great time in hell? I'm so confused right now.

Finger? Thumb? What's the difference?

When are we going to get back to our own lives and the daily conversations with our families? People I used to talk sports, games, and drinks with are all political pundits telling me why Bush is a dick and how fucked this country is. Well, maybe that's true, but what are you planning on doing about it? Bitch? Complain? Moan? I used to break up with girlfriends for less than that, and they were hot. I'm impartial when it comes to the presidency as it has as much to do with me as uterine cancer. I have no idea what having a uteris is all about, and I'll be damned if I want to know. As a man, I'm fortunate enough never to know about it, and that's how I want my politics. Distanced. People who read this blog know that I hate nearly everything. This country allows me the luxury of making fun of issues of the day in my own bipartisan way without reprisal from the 'man.' The sky is blue and contrail white, my car runs on very expensive gas, the summer is hotter than a mutha fucka, and the Super Bowl of an election is now 8 months over, bad calls and all. Stop watching the news, surfing Fark.com for the 'NEWS' and 'SCARY' tags, and pay attention to your friends and family. Soak your feet and remember, there was a time when Pittsburgh's sky was black as pitch, Alabama used to string up culler'd for lookin at white women, and Chicago was run by Mafioso's who would gun you down if you didn't pay da protection. We might be getting fucked now, but remember, there's always a kiss waiting for us when it’s all over.

Shuttle Discovery docked after terrorists found onboard.

Discovery launched into a clear Florida sky this week, returning the Shuttle fleet to space and beginning a journey of exploration to the Moon, Mars and beyond. Unfortunately, there were a group of stowaways on board, and not the foppishly-pedophiliac Zachary Smith kind. “I don’t know how we missed it,” stated long time NASA TI-99-4a programmer Stanley ‘Munchman’ Carthridge. “Signs were everywhere; the entire loading station smelled like chutney, sitar music echoed through the air ducts, and even in photographs. I mean he’s right behind Cap’n What’s-his-face,” Carthridge sighed. Discovery lifted off at 9:39 a.m. central time today following a flawless countdown. Over the next 11 days, Discovery’s seven person, and multiple terrorist, crew will demonstrate techniques for inspecting and protecting the Shuttle’s thermal protection system and continue assembly of the International Space Station. NASA also expects to get some idea of what an explosive sacrifice for Allah will look like in outer space. "It might be cool to know what an explosion would really look like, so that ILM could reference it for realism," said Star Wars dork (your name here). Upon entering orbit, Commander Eileen Collins, Pilot Jim Kelly and Mission Specialist Soichi Noguchi found a series of detonators that were attached to key electrical systems. Images from NASA TV shows Ms Collins trying to alleviate the tension by acting like she was going to press one of the detonation buttons. The crew announced they were slightly amused and soon after requested a clearance from ground control to change out of their shit-stained space suits. That order was denied. This picture released by NASA TV shows a man named Blahstin MahAssin - who NASA wishes to question in connection to the series of detonators placed around the Discovery. This image was just outside the space toilet on the aft deck of the ship where crew members commented that the area 'now smells like a camels ass dipped in skunk piss.' Requests from the crew to flush the excrement into the void of space were promptly denied by ground control. In a disturbing turn of events, this image from NASA TV, shows Mission Specialist Stephen Robinson's helmet being violently ripped off by one of the terrorists impersonating an official US Dental Assistant. (AP Photo/NASA TV) In this photo provided by the White House, President Bush helplessly watches the plight of the Space Shuttle Discovery from the Oval Office's Private Dining Room Tuesday, July 26, 2005. "This is turrible news for the space programs," said Prez G-Bush, "but if they blow up that space shuttle, it will show the world just how dangerous terrorism is." The President then had to excuse himself because he couldn't control his laughter. The crew has made plans to anchor themselves to their seats and open the airlock doors to create a vacuum into space. This effort should suck the remaining terrorists out into space where the will be collected by Discovery’s robot arm and crushed to death shortly before the crew begins an eight-hour sleep period. Pleasant dreams, Astros! The next STS-114 status report will be issued shortly after crew wakeup, or earlier, if an explosion is imminent.

I come for you...in your nightmares

Jerry Lewis, funny man and night terror, promises to devour all of Berlin, Germany if the city is not renamed 'Lewisberg' in tribute to his half-century of work on behalf of retarded kids. (AP Photo/Jan Bauer)

Three reasons for why the video game industry is doomed to fail

Voodoo Vince was a good game, so you can assume it sold something like 6 copies nationwide. Video games could have been something truly great; an industry to be proud of. They could have been a vehicle for artistic expression and a new medium to explore man's want to play. Instead the video game companies are still fighting the same Mortal Kombat battle from 1992 and in three weeks we'll get the newest $50 update to Madden 2001. I blame everyone. Politicians Ostensively, politicians care as much for video games as they do for spent ejaculate into a paper towel. Seriously, do you think that anyone in Washington actually plays games? Playing games is really hard to do when your head is firmly lodged up another persons ass while your left hand holds a fan of $1000 dollar bills and your right holds the torch that is setting them ablaze. "We must prevent the sales of Grand Tapped Anus III: Some Cunnilingus." To Politicians, video games are a platform and a vehicle on which to attach their name and their vocal buntings. It has little to do with morality and 'the future of our children,' as if it did, cable TV, NC-17, and all public access television would be deemed immoral. Seriously, how is a hand job being shown on the syndicated show 'Friends' any more, or less, offensive than a naked person riding a bike in a video game. As much as I disliked Senator Joe Lieberman's campaign in the 90's, the results begat the ESRB ratings and his preliminary presidential candidicy. It's all over for Atari right here. E.T. was just icing on the cake. Games Industry Atari was instrumental in making this business an abysmal, Mad Maxx wasteland back in the early 80's. In their hubris, Atari thought they could spray paint shit and sell it as high class jewelery. The death of Atari (and games, at the time) came from the release of Pac-Man on the Atari 2600. With such a large profile game, the home console market should have exploded. Unfortunately, Atari only paid $20,000 for the development of the game which turned out to be one of the worst arcade-to-home translations in console history. Gamers tuned out, turned off, and began watching MTV and ordering from Columbia House. So what have we learned in 20 years? We've learned that when Acclaim was having trouble they released a nude version of BMX XXX and wait for the 'Controversy PR Engine (C-PRE)' to kick in. We've also understood that when Electronic Arts' Madden series is being out-performed by a low cost competitor (2K Games), EA will spend money to obtain the license for the sport rather than work to improve their game. The most painful lesson comes from companies like Sega, SNK, and Majesco who actually provide innovation but can't seem to distribute a corporate memo, much less, an effective marketing campaign. "I'm the number one super best at playing football game. Yaaaaaay!" The games industry has not learned anything in 20 years and, in fact, managed to unlearn the stuff they already knew! Listen up, industry fucko's; you've placed a blight on this industry through repitition, limited innovation, and using sex to replace gameplay. When this industry crashes in 2008, let's hope classic games like checkers and chess will need guns and boobs, a roster, and sell for $50 or you'll all be out of a job. Cover me with that sweet smell of new releases. Mmmmm Revenge of the Sith, I love it! Gamers: You are the most shameful of the lot. Innovative games like Ico, Eternal Darkness, and Panzer Dragoon sit will sit on store shelves collect dust while the next $50 piece-of-shit-Star-Wars-clap-trap flies off the shelf as if it had a coupon for a free blow job inside. You had to be told by 800 web sources that Katamari Damacy was worth playing before you asked to borrow your friend's disc so you could make a copy of it. It is disgraceful that a game like Resident Evil 4 has only sold 500,000 copies in the US while GTA 4: Bonerville-Shooty-Cop-McSextown will sell double that in the first day of pre-orders alone. It is a wonder the US games market gets any attention from Japanese game developers as game buyers have shown they don't deserve anything in terms of quality or value. G4 TV; don't even get me started on that abortion of a network. Hard core gamers should always be smarter than conversations over 'bits' and 'megs.' The best game critics at your disposal are your own eyes and hands. When you see that your team of football players looks more like a hydrocephalus batallion than than your beloved franchise, take the game back. When you play through GTA San Andreas, knowing that it is a half-assed-rehash of the last two versions, but tell everyone how bad ass it was, you're not cool, your retarded. Gamers who Mod their Xbox (and others' Xboxes) to dump 120 games to their hard drive that they'll never actually play are nothing but theives and should be kicked squarely in the nuts. We gonna be outta here in a minute. You politicians betta be comin' wit' us. If the US Government outlaws GTA San Andreas, that could be the best freaking thing to happen to games since Atari bit it back in 1983. That act could just be the 'Video Game Vietnam' we need to thin out the ranks of these casual, retarded, biased, community college dorm living, fanboy gamers.

BLOGGER DOWN! REPEAT, WE HAVE A BLOGGER DOWN!

With the news of Scotty's death, Euro Bombings Round 2, the over-reaction to GTA San Andreas, China kickin' our dollar out, the Arizona Suns killing 18 people, Brad Pitt surviving that illness, another shuttle delay, and having received 70 emails regarding my Erectile Dysfunction (I mean, how do these companies know?), I've made the decision to hang myself. Once my wife collects that sweet, sweet insurance money, she'll have me cloned to continue my blogging efforts tomorrow.

Google AdSense makes Absolutely NoSense

I have removed the Google AdSense bar to the right of my posts as it is the biggest bunch-a-crap, sham of a rip-off. As I posted earlier, this site's traffic ballooned recently, bringing over 10,000 page impressions to potential Google customers. When I went to check on the AdSense report, I saw that I generated nearly $.13 in revenue! I wasn't expecting to make any substansial earnings with this banner, but it was when I saw the 'Your payments are currently on hold' comment, I wondered why that was. Oh, it was because Google needs my social security number, address, phone number and whatever other information I would provide for a W2. Interesting. So Google is collecting a boatload of information, making money off of ads on my site, and getting it all for $.13? Whatta gyp! See ya later AdSense.

Hurricane prompts Bush to Wage War on 'Aquas of Evil'

Why the oceans must die US President George W. Bush announced Monday night that he has ordered military strikes against any and all Hurricanes that enter the US. Poseidon, Oceanus, and the Kraken prepare for US air raids. "At this hour, American and coalition forces are in the early stages of military operations to eliminate the deadly threat created by Hurricanes across our globe," Bush said in a nationally-televised address. "On my orders, coalition forces have begun striking selected targets of military importance to undermine Poseidon’s ability to wage war," he said. "I promise I'll blow shit up on your behalf, America" Bush continued stating that "these strikes are opening stages of what will be a broad and concerted campaign against the ocean." He vowed that the US-led forces would fight until victory, noting that the war against the sea could be longer and more difficult than the Iraq war, the Philippine Insurrection, and the Crusades combined. Bush was speaking two hours and 15 minutes after his ultimatum for the Oceanus and his son Chronos to leave the ocean or face a war expired. Hurricane promises to punch America in it's 'nards' The White House confirmed after the raids began that the United States had launched a military action to disarm Poseidon and retrieve his spiked trident, which has been a symbol for the ocean’s tyrannical unpredictability. "The opening stages of the disarmament of the Hurricanes regime have begun," White House spokesman Scott McClellan told reporters minutes after air raid sirens were heard over the Atlantic. Hurricane has been blamed for bouts of incompetance US warplanes raided the Atlantic Ocean about one and a half hours after the expiration of the deadline set by US President George W. Bush for Oceanus to leave the ocean or face war. Big explosions were heard, the ocean was lit up by flares and sirens were heard throughout the cities of the deep, home for some 500 billion sea creatures. For God's sake! Look what it did to this girl's umbrella! How long are we going to stand for this? Coral reefs of the mermaid kingdom were attacked in the three rounds of US air raids on the ocean, leaving several thousand floating, bloated casualties, but it remained unknown that any top ocean officials were among the injured. The war was declared after the US failed to win support of majority in the UN Security Council for their draft resolution that would have authorized a war on Tsunamis, waterspouts, whirlpools, and rapids that have plagued humanity for centuries "This is bullshit if the Hurricanes think they can get away with this!" Three permanent members of the Security Council, namely China, France and Russia, opposed the US-led military attack on the ocean and insist that inspections and talks with the deadly element of water should continue. The United States started the war on the ocean in its second preemptive strike in the US history. The first being the Iraq war, which ended up being a tremendous success against terror and for the US’s perception to the world. Don't worry 'bout nuttin, Bi-otch! Says Bush Earlier, UN Secretary General Kofi Annan warned the United States and Britain that "under international law, the responsibility for protecting civilians in conflict falls on the belligerents. But this is the ocean, so fuck it, all bets are off.”

Presidential responsibilities outsourced to India

Question from the American Public [AP]: On Sunday, Newsweek magazine revealed that Karl Rove, the President's key political advisor, was responsible for disclosing the identity of undercover CIA agent Valerie Plame. Last year, President Bush promised that anyone at the White House involved in the leak would be fired. So what’s the holdup? ( [AP] has joined ) ( [President Manmohan] has joined ) [President Manmohan]: Thank you [AP], for using USA Online Support. My name is President; I will be your Technical Support Engineer. [AP]: Hi [President Manmohan]: Can you please tell me the exact error problem you are receiving, if any at all? [AP]: I am not receiving any error message I just have a question about policy and a promise made by the President. >3 minutes later< [AP]: ? [President Manmohan]: Thanks for all the information. May I know where your information has been from? [AP]: Newsweek Magazine. [President Manmohan]: Also do let me know what page you are viewing from? [AP]: Its on the cover and it is the top story for this week. [President Manmohan]: [AP], thanks for all the information. Could you let me know if you have a subscription to the Newsweek? [AP]: Yes, why? >5 minutes later< [AP]: Hello? [President Manmohan]: I am sending you a new copy of Newsweek with a larger font-type that should assist you to reading the article and why you are not understanding the President. [AP]: That is not the problem and please don’t send out another copy of Newsweek. I can read and interpret the article just fine. My question is regarding the duplicity of the President’s statement. Is there anyone else there I can talk to? [President Manmohan]: Thank you for waiting, I am sending you a web page that would provide you some information to download a Newsweek article converter. It might appear in a separate window, but you can still contact me by minimizing that window and returning to the original Chat window. [AP]: thanks but that is not what I need. [President Manmohan]: Once you have installed the converter, you would be able to understand the President. [AP]: Is that it? [President Manmohan]: Yes, I would suggest you use this converter for all articles and ask that your friends to begin communicating through USA Messenger. [President Manmohan]: Would you like to send across a page that would assist you to install USA Messenger? [AP]: No thank you. I don't need install instructions. [President Manmohan]: [AP], Thank you for using USA Online Technical Support. We are available 24 hours, 7 days a week. If you need further assistance, please come back and visit us again. You are most welcome to reach us at any moment. ( [President Manmohan] has exited ) ( [AP] has exited )

Stop trying to making dicks larger

We have enough dicks in the world as is and, seriously, who needs them bigger and more cumbersome. This push for larger, bigger things has the people of our nation driving alone in their SUV’s and living in 5 bedroom, 3000 square foot homes when they have no kids. It’s all just so wasteful and silly. Also, why has it become the job of the male to please by girth and worth? Why hasn’t anyone come up with a pill or device to make vaginas tighter and smaller? Come on!

Just FARK'n beautiful...

I meant to have my FARK Classified link directly to my site (not an article) and say something entirely different and more promotional like, 'Fun Factory Emporium and Ice Creamery Depot' or 'Thing punches other thing: click here for details.' Instead I posted something about how "God can not defeat freedom for it is given to us by his son, Jesus." Even though I didn't set this ad up correctly it still paid off insane dividends. After posting an ad on FARK, this site's traffic has exploded 8-fold (octupled) in a week. I can't imagine how much traffic I would have received had I done everything right... Smartest money I've ever spent and a harsh reminder that I should read all instructions before clicking the 'submit' button.

Office Survival Strategies: The Feigned Miscarriage

If you are worried about being fired, begin to tell the people at work that you are pregnant. A few months later tell them that you lost your baby. If you are a man, it works out even better because they think you are retarded, but they will still feel a great deal of shame making fun of you after such a catastrophic miscarraige.

Shuttle pilots look to the left. Crap pants.

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. - Engineers and NASA managers were working Thursday to sort out what caused a fuel sensor to state that there was a dome of explosive materials just a few yards from the launch site of the shuttle Discovery. On Wednesday, astronauts had already climbed aboard the shuttle when NASA halted the countdown with just 2 1/2 hours to go, scrubbing the first shuttle flight since the 2003 Columbia tragedy. Pilot Eileen Collins, 48, tapped a fellow shuttle passenger on the shoulder and made a pointing jesture out the window towards a group of NASA scientists taking a smoke break atop a tank full of liquid nitrogen. Shuttle managers had no idea whether the trouble was in the gauge at the bottom of Discovery's fuel tank, an electronics box inside, a 100,000-barrel capacity Liquid Nitrogen containment field around the shuttle or something else entirely. "We felt like we had a good system," deputy shuttle program manager Wayne Hale said at a grim-faced news conference Wednesday. "I wanted to see this launch really, really, really bad." The disappointment came just a day after an embarrassing turn for NASA, when a plastic cockpit window cover fell off the shuttle exposing several murdered government officials. "How did those get in there?" asked a nervous Sen. Bill Nelson, D-Fla. The Senator went on to sweat, "we should investigate this a little bit, but the focus of this investigation should be on that window cover that fell off. That's the real murderer...I mean problem." The space agency is looking closely at the possibility that flawed transistors in an electronic "black box" aboard Discovery might be to blame. Shuttle program manager Bill Parsons stressed that the problem could be anywhere. "This has to be looked at from end to end," he said. "We kind of need to keep our mind open."

The #1 R&B Song for 2005 is:

I love you, baby better be-lieve that shit is true I really love you, baby That girl I’m talkin bout is you repeat x8

Gots ta make this fast, man!

"I'm in the back of this crappy-ass Nissan Sentra on the way to some bullshit press conference for some asshole no one gives a fuck about. What up witchu? Yeah? Well it's the same old same with me. So well, shit man, you gotta promise nots to tell no one about this, ok? But, dude, there is some whack shit goin' on at the White House. Seriously, dude. Well, for starters, the President brought a orphen kid back with him during his last trip to Mexico. Snuck that bitch right on Air Force One with him in the glove box or some shit. He's got's the fucker cleanin' up and emptying the trash at the White House now. I ain't shittin' you negative, this is Rove talkin', baby. Now you gots to promise to keep your freak on when you hear THIS shit. You ready? Fuckin' President, I swear to God on this yo, the President of the U-S-izzle-A is just a god dammed Go-Bot Metal Man manufactured by the Chinese. No lie! Saw has back open up during them debates and a bunch a sparks and wires be like flyin' outta his crack n'shit. Seriously, dawg! Thas some fucked up shit right there. Listen, gotta go. Tell everyone I'll be down to split a spliff later. Speakin' a spliff, man, do I have some dope to lay on you later about the CIA! When you hears it you gonna be like, 'Naw, man!' and I'll be like, 'Fuck yeah, man.' Seriously, the shit I'm gonna tell ya gonna knock ya ass on its ass. Late" >click< five minutes later "Hello, and who is this young Republican? Well, you stay in school now and stay off of drugs and we'll be seeing you in the White House. Tell them, 'Karl Rove sent you.'"

Give me a sec...one sec...ah yes, you were saying?

Democratic Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., right, becomes dumbstruck when Sen. Patrick Leahy's, D-Vt., stopped mid conversation to crap his pants. The resulting excrement slid out from beneath the cuff of of his pants onto Reid's foot this morning moments before a meeting with President Bush at the White House, Tuesday, July 12, 2005. "This is the first meeting in person with President Bush to talk about the vacancy created by the retirement of Justice Sandra Day O'Connor," Reid said "but, like, the billionth time Leahy's taken a crap on one of us." (AP Photo/Susan Walsh)

Line 10: PRINT "I am Lonely."

Line 20: GOTO 10; Bomb disposal robot XJ290-Series C expresses its loneliness through a series of meaningless beeps and clicks while being ignored by fellow British police officers.

Prayer replaced by Patriotism

"Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD (America); and the people whom he hath chosen for his own inheritance (Americans)." —Psalms 33:12 Reader's Digest's Star-Spangled Bible Edition All across our nation, America has rallied behind the effort to make it known that our nation is still united. Although we once upheld the Godly principles of God, for some reason, He has chosen to test our faith with Hurricanes and other blights that destroy homes, cars, and businesses. Well, God, if your intention was to inflict pain on this country - you can consider your mission a successful one. For no doubt, our Country feels the pain and loss of every single soul you have so coldly and calculatedly murdered. As a Nation, we grieve together, we mourn for the innocent killed so nonchalantly at your hands. However, if you intention was was to weaken and destroy this great Land of ours - oh, God, you have failed so greatly! Do you not know about our Country? Do you not realize how we have fought for our freedoms in the past? Our forefathers gave their lives for the freedom each of us enjoy. We will not lightly let that freedom pass from our hands! When you come in and hurt our people, we unite as one and we will fight - and we will win! For freedom has always had its price, and it is a price our Country has always been willing and able to pay. We will fight to remain free. You may injure us, you may hurt us, but you will not seperate us and cause us to fall. All you have done is pull this great Nation together. We are now more tightly knit, more closely working as one, more together than you have seen in your lifetime, God. We have been reminded of the freedoms we sometimes take for granted. You have riled us up, stirred up passions that many had forgotten. Through our pain, we will grow stronger and we will rise up and we will fight our battles. You can not defeat freedom. For it is given to us by your son, Jesus. Remember him? May He have mercy on your soul. For you have already lost this battle. Patriotism is alive; make no mistake!

San Francisco Begins Training for 2004 Season

In a surprise move, the 2-14 San Francisco 49ers have announced they will begin their training for the 2004 football season. Analysts are confounded as this announcement comes in the summer of 2005, a full 5 months after the New England Patriots had already won the 2004 Super Bowl Championship. Young 49er hopefull, Turdburglar Harrison, breaks free from two tackling dummies where he had been stuck for most of November and December of last year. "During the Summer of 2004, our boys were working out some personal issues and were in no condition to think about football, much less practice," said head coach Mike Nolan. "Our hope is to get the team back on the gridiron, focusing 110% on the game of football and not on why my wife is leaving me."

Role models and why kids should fear prompting their wrath:

There is no mystery why a whopping 90% of the football players that grace the annals of the Hall of Fame were from four states; Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, and Pennsylvania. To the residents of these states, football is more than a season. Football is Chi, a burial rite, and in the top three of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs between self-actualization and esteem. When I was a boy growing up in the southern suburbs of Pittsburgh, through the 70's, one thing was for sure; Fall = Football. In fact, from the late days of August running through most of January, any number divided by 'Football' would also equal 'Football'. Months at school were fraught with discussions of how the Steel Curtain would destroy Earl Campbell before he left the backfield or how Bradshaw would hand the ball off to Rocky for another TD and another Steelers win. Scores for our imaginary games would escalate into the stratosphere with the Steelers winning games 108 to 3. When these game would finally play out on Sunday to a 24 to 17 Steelers win, the conversation was about how the Steelers wanted to keep the game close for the fans. More comical was the banter between our drunken parents during the game that would be echoed in the school yard the following Monday. Ten year old kids saying stuff like, "I wish Guerella would pull his head outta his ass and kick some field goals," and "That dumb Polack couldn't catch a pass, it's like the ball is made of soap or sumthin'." Good, all-American, 10 year old, playground discourse. Little known fact: prior to 1880, going to church actually took place five days a week. When football was invented, church attendance dropped to record lows across the United States. Through a long boring story, church officials wound up switching church to one day a week, just prior to football on Sunday, to ensure that parishioners would attend to pray for their team's victory. It's on the internet, so you know it must be true! I'm all over the board here, let's get back to the business of my subject line, 'Role models and why kids should fear prompting their wrath.' Football players have come and gone, that's the circle of life. What has happened, and has been happening since the days of Joe Namath, is that superstardom and fame has clouded the once lofty position of the NFL Role Model. (Hello, I'm the beginning of the end of the NFL Role Model) Solipsists like The Boz: The Fridge: Neon Dieon: Baby Sapp: and TO: become more recognized icons than the symbols of teamwork and leadership attached to say a 'Steel Curtain Defense.' I'm not going down the road of, 'things were better in my day' or 'kids don't understand founding concepts of my generation.' What I'm getting at is that when you have a team, a group, or a collection of individuals that are working towards a common purpose, you can find one individual in that gridiron pitri dish that you can gravitate to. Someone who shares your beliefs, someone who gets the job done, someone who you wish to emulate in your life. For me, it was someone who scared the shit out of me. For those too young to understand, I'd like to introduce you to my personal mentor and nightmare; #58, Mr. Jack Lambert. For years, Jack Lambert was a symbol whom I would need to answer to if I ever made a mistake. If I thought I could do an end-around on my chores or that I could flea-flicker my way out of homework, Mr. Lambert would be there to put me in my place. I knew that if it came down to it, #58 would eat people if he wanted to; dislocating his jaw and sliding people down through his toothless maw. Jack Lambert epitomized the 'shit your pants,' scared straight fear that simple parental authority couldn't hope to provide. If your dad came home drunk one night and chased you around the house with his belt, you know he will eventually feel some degree of remorse for his actions. Not Mr. Lambert. He will find you, again and again, then proceed to pull you apart in pieces until the whistle blows. Even then, that is a small consolation as you know play will start up again in 45 seconds. Over and over, he'll find you and he'll beat you. It absolutely will not stop, until you are dead. I believe Mr. Jack Lambert's lasting, terrifying legacy can be best summed up in his 1990 NFL Hall of Fame induction speech where he said, 'If I could start my life all over again, I would devour you all as Saturn did his son.' Is that too obscure a reference for ya?