NealBauer.com's First Video Podcast

The price one pays for pursuing any profession or calling is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side. James Baldwin US author (1924 - 1987)

A banana a day does a lot of shit

Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose - combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy. Research has proved that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes. Here are some more banana facts for you to *grin* chew on *snicker*: 1. A banana can help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must for our daily diet. BOOYA! 2. Bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to improve your mood and generally make you feel happier. Paxil and Zoloft can suck it! 3. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect a woman's mood during PMS. If a lady starts giving you guff, shove a banana in her mouth! BAM! 4. High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia. Don't believe me? Look it up fool! 5. This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it the perfect to beat blood pressure. Fuck yeah! 6. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert. Knock Knock? Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Banana comin' to kick some knowledge in your brain pan, bitch! 7. High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives. SHIT YEAH! 8. One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system. You just got served a trifecta of hangover health remedies! 9. Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief, fatty. In your face Pept-old Bis-mold! 10. Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness. If your wife is hogging the toilet to herself durning a pregnancu, just shove a banana in her mouth (see PMS cure #3)! 11. Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system. Can't argue with science! 12. Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal. Smoking is for the weak, bananas will make you less of a weak person. TRUTH! 13. Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. These can be re-balanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack. I'd like to see a crappy ass orange do that kind of magic shit! IT JUST CAN'T! ORANGES ARE PWNED BY KING B! 14. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. Had enough, Mr. Apple? If you're dizzy maybe you should have a seat and eat a banana. IN YOUR FACE, NATURE'S OVARY! That said, bananas are also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around. This concludes my PowerPoint presentation on Bananas and now I will open up the floor to answer some brief Q&A. Please note, if you have a latex allergy, check with your doctor before eating bananas. If you do have latex related issues, eating a banana could kill you.

My dog had her toe amputated today

sigh<

Flamboyant ampersand demonstrates destructive power of tsunami

If the pictures of devistation weren't enough to show the awesome wake of devistation left by 2004's earthquake-spawned tidal waves, this display features an ampersand from an entirely different font book to represent 'wind, waves, and wibbons of hope.' When we told Sharkbot Badot, curator for the Notebaert Nature Museum, that the word 'ribbons' begins with an 'r' and not a 'w,' he told us to 'either buy something at the gift shop or get out.'

I've got a headache 'THIS BIG'

Excedrin Headache #8008: Republican Rape Voting Jeanine Pirro tries to listen during a State Senate hearing on Megan's Law for sexual predators, but with her head pounding she just can't pay attention. Pirro accidentally cast her vote in support of sexual predators which might adversely affect her challenge of Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's 2006 re-election. (AP Photo/Bebeto Matthews File) Excedrin Headache #666: No one cares about my well being Saddam Hussein puts his hand to his head saying he had been beaten "everywhere on my body" by his American captors. The headache comes not from the beatings but from the irony of seeing your people swarm to the polls to vote for some other nut job while you are getting pummeled with sacks of oranges. (AP Photo/AP Television News/pool) Excedrin Headache #911: Cher Loving Hispanics Senate Judiciary chairman Sen. Arlen Specter met with Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to discuss warrantless eavesdropping that President Bush approved without obtaining any court orders. "I tried to talk about the legality of it all, but all Gonzales could talk about was how pretty my curtains were and how he was totally into that new Elton John album," Specter said. "For crissakes that Gonzales guy is a total fag!" (AP Photo/Susan Walsh) Excedrin Headache #5537: Big Easy Business as Usual Police officers beat the 'ever-living-shit' out of Robert Davis on Conti Street near Bourbon Street in the French Quarter of New Orleans. Two of the officers videotaped and photographed by the Associated Press beating Davis stated that 'What the media failed to recognize is that the guy we were beating was black.' These two officers should expect to receieve Excedrin Headache #666 very soon. (AP Photo/Mel Evans)

Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious

Chris Parnell and Andy Samberg rap about going to see The Chronic What?-cles of Narnia. You could call us Aaron Burr, from the way we're droppin' Hamiltons Brilliant.

New York, New York, it's a helluva town...to walk around

New York transit workers walked off the job for the first time in 25 years, Tuesday, Dec. 20, 2005 in New York, affecting millions of people who rely on the bus and subway system each day. Personally, I blame the terrorists and 9/11...it's much easier than finding out what the actual problem is. (AP Photo/Dima Gavrysh.)

Bush kicks American liberty in the nuts

After the White House got caught crapping all over our liberties, the White House took time out this morning to cover thier asses as best as they could. Didn't we shore all this 'spying on your own people' bullshit up after Nixon? Even more impressive, in a 7 minute talk this morning, Bush mentioned "September the 11th" 7 times. I think even Al Bundy, from Married with Children, mentioned his 4 touchdowns in one game achievement less. Simply retarded.

Stern Fans Enjoy Last Day of Free Speech

Several thousand Iraqi Shiite Muslims take a west-facing break from voting to attend radio shock jock Howard Stern's last show. Many waved signs praising Stern and attacking the Federal Communications Commission. Officials at the event said, "it could take at least two weeks until final results are announced for the new, four-year parliament because all the complaints have to be investigated. Ba-ba-booie! Ba-ba-booie! Howard Stern! Howard Stern!" (AP Photo/Karim Kadim)

Why does Santa smell like when mommy spills her perfume

Dear Cap'n Ebay Mcfaggatron, Thank you for sending me your email all the way from Pittsburgh! HO!! Ho!! ho!! Did you know there are lots of elves in Pittsburgh? I hear they like visiting Pittsburgh because there's a special boy by the name of Cap'n Ebay Mcfaggatron that lives there! (*wink*). Well tickle my whiskers, Cap'n Ebay Mcfaggatron! Are you fibbing to ol' Santa Claus?!? You can't possibly be 35 years old already! Why it seems like only yesterday that I was leaving presents for a certain little boy and here you are now, practically one of Santa's elves! (*grin*) Sorry the presents the last little while probably haven't been quite as exciting as they were when you were a little boy but, well, you know how these things go (*wink*). Anyway, Santa's glad to see some of the 'older kids' (not to mention anyone in particular!) still take the time to write. I also hear you've been a sorta good boy. (Of course, you won't mind if I do a little checking, will you? HO!! Ho!! ho!!). Let's see what you put in your letter for Christmas wishes: 1. time machine to go back and undo the badness; 2. whores a'plenty and; 3. pair of working legs to get you out of that wheely-chair of yours. May all your Christmas wishes come true! Aha! You'd like a little extra spending money I see! Well, the elves had to stop printing money for me to give away when a nice police officer reminded me that is illegal! Lucky for me the police officer is a good friend but I don't give away money anymore! (Well, okay, I have been known to give some away out of my own pocket but don't tell Mrs. Claus! *wink*) Yum! Smells like Mrs. Claus just pulled another batch of cookies out of the oven. HO!! Ho!! ho!! I'll bet she needs help eating them! Take care Cap'n Ebay Mcfaggatron and don't forget to come back and visit me here at EmailSanta.com on Christmas Eve!! And remember... only 11 more sleeps until Christmas!! With All My Heart, Santa Claus P.S. Why thank you for the wonderful hugs & kisses Cap'n Ebay Mcfaggatron! Here are some extra special hugs and kisses just for you from everyone at the North Pole! P.P.S. My Christmas wish is that I get through this shift without throwing up all down some kids back (*wink*).

Hypocritical aside

I'm in the handicapped stall of the bathroom taking a category 5 dump. While in there I am making a series of cell phone calls to tell my friends jokes that are to raunchy to share while I am at my desk. Right in the middle of my joke about the 80 year old nun about to jerk off a monkey, one of the cleaning crew comes in to the restroom and says in terrible, broken English, 'Is dare anybudy in here?' Totally pissed, I wipe my ass, close my cell phone and pull up my pants. Without even getting a chance to wash my hands I walk out of the restroom and confront the guy at his cleaning cart. I grab the guy and yell right in his face, "I don't know where your from, but you're in America now and in America we have a little thing called fucking manners."

The Flaming Red Soft Drink of the Old West

The year was 1881; President Garfield assassinated, Billy the Kid was about to be killed by 'Shootin' Sheriff Garrett and Firewater sets saloons ablaze from the shores of Missoura to plains of Missour-i-a. Firewater rocketed to fame at the end of Reconstruction shortly after Rutherford B. Hayes made his famous "By God, or by Firewater, we must end federal efforts to protect the civil rights of African-Americans" speech. Saloons were knee deep in the deep red liquor and nearly took Sas’parilla off the map. Unfortunately, the original Firewater was made of Cinamon extract, Gasoline and the blood of Native Americans (once lovingly refered to as 'Injuns') which wound up blinding and fatally poisoning many of its users. Flash forward to 1960; Firewater is now renamed Cherikee Red and given a less toxic set of ingredients. Made entirely of water, red food coloring, and sugar, this new 'Firewater' was a smash hit with children and bees. With Television sponsors like 'Howdy Doodat' (a very unsuccessful ripoff of 'Howdee Doodman' (which was a blatant ripoff of 'Howdy Doody')) and Cherikee Force Go-Go Cats, this drink saw a resurgance in suburban America. It would have been able to get a much stronger foothold if hospitals weren't flooded with thousands of cases of anaphylactic shock brought on by the innumerable bee stings that seemed to plague the drinkers of this sugary potent. The Cherikee Red phase brought about America's love affair with Killer Bee's in the 1970's. The last stop on Firewater's crimson journey came in 1983 when the rights to the beverage were sold to Lucky Lukes Records and Soda Drink Distribution Co., Inc. Lucky Luke was a bit of a gambling man and he chose to replace the red food coloring with a cheaper red dye extract from Bocas Del Toro Province to bring some of the 'Fire' back into the syrup-sweet beverage. The gamble failed to pay off for L.L. as the dye, that was purchased through enormous cost savings of $.01 a gallon, was actually the extract from ground up Red Poison Dart frogs. Anyone unfortunate enough to drink this concoction would be treated to a comical blood-red staining of the lips, mouth and esophagus. The enjoyment of the stain was short lived as the liquid wouldn't even reach the stomach before it began burning its way through your organs trying to obtain additional oxygen so it could continue to spread like a brush fire. Because the burning was a slow and intense process, the victim's death was quite agonizing and quickly became #3 on the 'worst way to die' list (pub. 1984) The first shipment of Cherikee Red was responsible for killing 11,000 in the summer of 1983. The drink took one more life that fall when Lucky Luke shotgunned an entire six pack to escape the anguish of 11,000 voices screaming in his brain and any of lawsuits that would have invariably followed. So there you have it; the rich and colorful history of a beverage that eased the tension of a race hating birth of a nation and caused countless deaths in people just wanting to quench their thirst during the fateful summer of 1983. >> END COMMUNICATION <<

Bush speaks in front of very tall, old-testiment-style curtains

PHILADELPHIA - President Bush gave a speech today in which he acknowledged that Iraqis have paid a heavy price - 30,000 dead - as a result of the U.S. led invasion and its bloody aftermath. But look at those curtains! Wow, those things take the curtain trifecta; stylish, glamorous and huge! Bush explained his choice for backdrop by quoting from the Old Testiment, Exodus 26:2-14: "The length of one curtain shall be thirty cubits, and the breadth of one curtain four cubits: and the eleven curtains shall be all of one measure. And thou shalt make fifty taches of gold, and couple the curtains together with the taches: and it shall be one tabernacle. And thou shalt make fifty loops on the edge of the one curtain that is outmost in the coupling, and fifty loops in the edge of the curtain which coupleth the second." Bush continued, "And thou shalt make fifty taches of brass, and put the taches into the loops, and couple the tent together, that it may be one. And a cubit on the one side, and a cubit on the other side of that which remaineth in the length of the curtains of the tent, it shall hang over the sides of the tabernacle on this side and on that side, to cover it." This just proves my point that Exodus 26:2-14 is a typological parallel and foreshadowing of God sending his servant Martha Stewart to instruct the world on the nuances and details of proper interior decorating. Martha is a valid servant of the one true God because she fulfilled the prophecy which God outlined in Exodus 26. Now don't come down on me if this analogy seems ridiculous. I'm just using the same proceedure that Matthew used to manufacture a prophecy fulfillment for Jesus.

Back to the Botany Bay for you!

At least six people were arrested and several injured in alcohol-fueled fights at Cronulla Beach in Sydney, Australia, Sunday, Dec. 11, 2005. Apparently, the ex-convicts of Austrailia got in a fight over what was to be considered 'a knife.' Now, the guy being dragged off definitely has all of the markings of a wife-beating racist, but take a look at the cop to the right. He looks like a poster boy for Austrailia's renouned 'You Don't Want to Fuck With Me' Special Forces Brigade. (AP Photo/Rob Griffith)

Be honest with me doc...

Patient: How bad is it? Dr. Shmaharabeb: Well, remember that part of your body that gave you supreme power over women? Patient: You mean my Moham-head? Dr. Shmaharabeb: Yes, well...you see, it's right here in this dish, Sally.

King of the jungle pwn3d!

In this image taken from video released by the Rome Bioparco Zoo on Wednesday, Dec. 7, 2005, Bellamy, a 13-year-n00b Asian lion, is seen under sedation during an operation to treat the lion's arthritis. Veterinarians have treated Bellamy for arthritis by inserting fifty 24-karat gold pellets into the animal's muscles. Now, if the current treatment for arthritis is to inject the body with gold, I'd like to see who will be responsible for fielding the millions of requests from young, inner-city, aspiring DJ Rheumatitus' when the government starts funding this treatment. Plus, with all this gold circulating in the body, and no one able to see it, there will be an urban uprising to develop some type of invisible-skin that will eventually be tacked on to all post-gold-transplant surgeries. Shortly after, future reality shows like 'Pimp My Eyes' and 'While You Were Out...During Sugery' and 'Trading Karats' will be on every five minutes on TLC, Discovery, and MTV 8 - the Ocho. (AP Photo/Rome Bioparco Zoo, ho)

The Adventures of Cowboy Troy and the Red-Headed Robot

Taken from the novelette by Isaac Asimov, this is the tale of a red-headed robot who breaks free from the hard-wired/step-child programming and hooks up with afro-cowpoke (the buckle) and country singing superstar, Cowboy Troy. The Judd-bot must abide by the three rules of her country music programming: 1) Neither by action or inaction is she allowed to see any harm come to one of those human being things; 2) Play that guitar and sing her butt off without the need of designer dresses and a hair and makeup team 3) By no account should the robot attempt to lose weight.

But I love bottom sea swimming!!!

Oh noes! Instructions: 1. Click on the image to enlarge in a new window. 2. Have no the adult the child that look after with the old man prohibition against the next sea swimming. 3. Empress wine with the body

You think this is scary? Just you wait, America!

According to my records, for every 1 girl born in China, there are 160 more new-born boys that came into the world. Now I know that China's National Census Statistics from 2000 show that it is more like 1:16, but, as my grandfather taught my years ago, you just can't trust those shifty bastards. Regardless of the true numbers, the problem is an infinitely greater danger for American's than you could ever imagine. The traditional Chinese thinking that men are more valuable than women dominated the country for many centuries. Some rural people just dumped female infants outside orphanages, to be raised by Panda bears and the like. By my count, 99 percent of Chinese children adopted by foreigners are girls, and boys under the age of ten number in their millions more than girls the same age. Here's the scary part for America. Our country has always made loose reference about how we would invade Canada if we ever needed lumber. Where do you think China will go when it needs women? Africa? Germany? Russia? Since the main export of those countries is ugly, you can just forget it! Conversely, look at America's image that is being perpatrated by Pepsi's Britney (pre-white trash) Spears and Jessica (post boobs) Simpson. If the Chinese wanted women of the highest caliber, they need look no further than the U.S. of freaking A+ ladies. With all of our forces fighting in Iraq, our ladies are just sitting ducks waiting to be harvested by the Red Menace! Laugh it up while you can. While you are sitting in front of your warm and fuzzy monitor, I'm spending my time intercepting messages from the Chinese who are sitting off shore in their submarines, waiting. Here was the last transmission that I pulled from AM frequency 620 just this afternoon: Weow e coast girl are hip I wilwee dig da style dey wea-ah And de saw-dan girl wiff da way dey tawk Dey knock me out whe I down nay-ah De mid-way fahma’s daw-taw wilwee make you feew ah white And de naw-dan girl wit de the way dey kiss Dey keep dare boyfwends war at nigh I wish dey all co be cow-e-fore-ya I wish dey all co be cow-e-fore-ya I wish dey all co be cow-e-fore-ya girl Is that scarry enough for you, America?

The scariest rollercoaster ever!

Saddam Hussein, front, Abdullah Kazim Ruwayyid, center, and Barzan Ibrahim sit in Cedar Point's newest attraction, 'The Baghdad Ball-Kicker' before their trial gets underway Wednesday Oct. 19, 2005. Saddam Hussein commented that, "[this coaster] is an awesome ride! It is the ultimate airtime machine in steel coasters, with lots of speed, height, hills, and laterals, all packaged together on one long smooth ride. I would give it a perfect 10/10 if there were a blade that came down and cut people's heads off periodically. You know, something for the adults as well as the kids." (AP Photo/Bob Strong, Pool )

So your mother tells me you got a 'D' on your report card...

U.S. Marine Lance Cpl. Jose Murillo of Waltham, Massachusetts, who belongs to the 2nd Marine Division, shows his disappointment in little Hadji's declining school marks in Saadah, Iraq, Friday, Dec. 2, 2005. When asked why his grades had fallen so dramatically, Hadji claimed that it was because the wall that housed the blackboard 'went missing' after a mortar went off during Algebra and that their Social Studies books are being ripped from their hands and being rewritten every 16 seconds. The Marine Corps issued the statement 'excuses are like assholes, everyone's got one and they all stink.' The USMC then threatened that if these grades didn't improve that they would have no choice but to blow up the TV stations and if Hadji didn't "straighten up and fly right" they would have to cut family food rations in half. (AP Photo/Jacob Silberberg)

North Carolina man sets record by becoming 1,000th Person Executed in U.S. Since 1977

It's 11:59 PM, Raleigh, N.C., Wednesday, Nov. 29, 2005. Two hours before the big event. Already fans are in the stands, eyes on the injection station, waiting for number 1000, Kenneth Lee Boyd, double murderer. I am the champion, my friend. And I'll be 1000 till the end. After signing autographs, Boyd gave the crowd what it came for — jesturing and pantomiming a shot into his left left arm. Then another. And another. A sight to behold. Look at the fans’ faces—rapt, wondering, amazed, and satisfied. It's almost as if he's executing himself over and over in practice and the crowd is eating it up like it was Moons over My Hammy. Has anyone seen my dignity? I had it here in my sleeping bag next to Mr. Wigglesworth last night. Fans have remained here since Elias Hanna Syriani (#997 on the all time list) was put down back on November 18, 2005 for the 1990 murder of his wife with with a screwdriver. Syriani made several pleas to get his execution delayed so that he could have held the 1000 spot, including giving up his last meal to stay the inevitable, but it was not to be. People camped out over the Thanksgiving holiday to get themselves a good seat for this milestone execution. Some even wore costumes to show their spirit and joi de vie for the event. "We wanted to wear something that showed our age." As November began, Syriani, Randall Nance, even Hicks each had a chance. Their chase was packing fans into every prison and state-run injectory. "Whoever wants to know the heart and mind of America had better learn about executions," said Annie Cockledue, long time North Carolina resident and foam finger wearing fan of lethal injections. She continued, "we can’t look away, and don’t really want to." In other tradgedies, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck celebrated the 1000th execution by welcoming the birth of their baby girl, 'Oops.' As Kenneth Lee Boyd steps into the box, his image morphs from murderer into American icon. The sheriff on the empty street facing the bad guys; Lindbergh alone in the sky. Even Robert Redford, whose light-show home run in "The Natural," was more than a game winner. It was what we all seek one time or another: redemption. Syriani, Nance, Hicks, arm outstreched, waiting for the prick of the needle, face to face, man to man, and then they go. Now serving 1001. Get in line to get your seat reserved! They're going faster than the Xbox 360. ANNOUNCER: He sends the needle deep into his left! Back goes the eyes! Head to the pillow. He stiffens up! He’s got it, number 1000!