Why does Santa smell like when mommy spills her perfume

Dear Cap'n Ebay Mcfaggatron, Thank you for sending me your email all the way from Pittsburgh! HO!! Ho!! ho!! Did you know there are lots of elves in Pittsburgh? I hear they like visiting Pittsburgh because there's a special boy by the name of Cap'n Ebay Mcfaggatron that lives there! (*wink*). Well tickle my whiskers, Cap'n Ebay Mcfaggatron! Are you fibbing to ol' Santa Claus?!? You can't possibly be 35 years old already! Why it seems like only yesterday that I was leaving presents for a certain little boy and here you are now, practically one of Santa's elves! (*grin*) Sorry the presents the last little while probably haven't been quite as exciting as they were when you were a little boy but, well, you know how these things go (*wink*). Anyway, Santa's glad to see some of the 'older kids' (not to mention anyone in particular!) still take the time to write. I also hear you've been a sorta good boy. (Of course, you won't mind if I do a little checking, will you? HO!! Ho!! ho!!). Let's see what you put in your letter for Christmas wishes: 1. time machine to go back and undo the badness; 2. whores a'plenty and; 3. pair of working legs to get you out of that wheely-chair of yours. May all your Christmas wishes come true! Aha! You'd like a little extra spending money I see! Well, the elves had to stop printing money for me to give away when a nice police officer reminded me that is illegal! Lucky for me the police officer is a good friend but I don't give away money anymore! (Well, okay, I have been known to give some away out of my own pocket but don't tell Mrs. Claus! *wink*) Yum! Smells like Mrs. Claus just pulled another batch of cookies out of the oven. HO!! Ho!! ho!! I'll bet she needs help eating them! Take care Cap'n Ebay Mcfaggatron and don't forget to come back and visit me here at EmailSanta.com on Christmas Eve!! And remember... only 11 more sleeps until Christmas!! With All My Heart, Santa Claus P.S. Why thank you for the wonderful hugs & kisses Cap'n Ebay Mcfaggatron! Here are some extra special hugs and kisses just for you from everyone at the North Pole! P.P.S. My Christmas wish is that I get through this shift without throwing up all down some kids back (*wink*).