Feeding tubes

According to the Vatican, Pope John Paul II is getting nutrition from a tube in his nose. This was in response to an incident where the frail pontiff appeared at his window in St. Peter's Square and managed only a rasp when he tried to speak. Reports from Rome say that he was heard rasping, 'what kind of God makes me live in this condition?' moments before he shat himself and regurgitated peas through his nasal passages. Which brings us back to the vegatable soup du jour, Terri Schiavo. It seems that a federal appeals court has agreed to consider reconnecting her feeding tube. This is exactly what I find wrong with this whole cluster fuck of an abortion of an molehill turned mountain issue. Not only are her parents saying they want their child, Terri, to be a lazy ass, bed sore riddled monstrosity, they also want her to be obese. News from the hospital is Terri's parents are already busy buying Burger King's new breakfast sandwich, the Enormous Omelet Sandwich, to mortar & pestle them down into a pumpable foodstuff. Terri's parents have been quoted as saying 'The sandwich has one sausage patty, two eggs, two American cheese slices and three strips of bacon. That works out to 730 calories and 47 grams of fat -- which should be more than enough to sustain our baby for a lifetime of misery and strife bound to a hospital bed. It’s what God wants. Earlier this week we talked to God who had put down his 6' skull bong for a moment to deliver this quote, 'Terri who? Didn't I kill her with that heart attack years ago. Holy crap, she's still alive? My bad.' He then looked over to one of his angel bodyguards, extended his index finger and made a cutting the throat gesture. The angel nodded and swiftly left the room. "Americans do not need an Enormous Omelet Sandwich," said Skippy McFaggerton, a professor of nutrition at Bozwell Community College, who noted the sandwich's contents were high in fat and salt and the meal lacked fruit and fiber. "That's too many calories, especially for a rotting corpse of humanity like that Terri broad. On a diet of these sandwiches, she would need to have someone wheel her around the compound 8 trillion times for her wandering eyes to burn off those calories,” Skippy added. “If you are going to feed her that crap, you should make some compensation for the weight gain. Something like cutting off her arms and legs should drop about 50-75 lbs right off the bat.” Doctors will be investigating that option as soon as they get back from their extended lunch at Hardee's where they are investigating the healing properties of the new "Monster Thickburger," which has 1,400 calories and 107 grams of fat. One doctor was quoted as saying “On a diet of these fucking things, Christ, we could keep a brain dead elephant alive for centuries!”