My cousin's bachelor party

My cousin is getting married this summer in Maryland (strangely, that's where he is from). Because of this, he is having a bachelor party to celebrate his 37 years of independence. I received an email from a friend of his informing everyone to RSVP for the party. It lacked any life or feeling whatsoever:

Congratulations! You have been selected for an invitation to Kraig's Bachelor Party. This is a test email to confirm everyone's email, since Kraig created and sent me this list while drinking. After i confirm everyones address, I'll send out info.

Is this a wake? No, it's a freakin' party! It's just that his big selling pitch is 'CONGRATULATIONS!' with an exclamation point? Whatta dope! My return response hopefully lit some creative fire under his ass:

I will be unable to attend as I have no freaking idea of who this is. Who's Lee? What's this Kraig with a 'K' all about? It all sounds like some homo-erotic, gay porn recruitment scam. I fell for this once and vowed never to put myself through that again. Unless there was free alcohol involved...(is there?) After much thought, and looking over the recipients on this email, it seems that this is a bachelor party for my Maryland cousin, Craig. How embarrassing! After this realization I should really take the extra few seconds to highlight and delete the first paragraph. But, I am a Bauer, which makes me lazy and uncaring to what any of you a-holes might think of me. But this isn't about me, or my laziness, or the fact that all of you might be jerks for judging me; it's about Craig's (or Kraig's), bachelor party. There is a slim chance that I might be able to make it if, AND ONLY IF, I find out what date this party is on well in advance. Being from Oregon, otherwise known the 'FU' state, we still haven't hammered out a plan for an airport. To get there, I would have to latch on to the window of one of the communal busses or pay one of the 4 vehicle owners in the state to drive me to Idaho. Once there, I would have to attach myself to one of the University of Northwest Nazarene’s weather balloons. With good winds, I should reach Utah by August where I could find lodging in a barn owned by one of the many Mormon families in the area. Once I have their confidence, and avoiding any opportunity to plant seeds in their kin, I'll make off with a horse and buggy that they won after a rumble with the Amish. Barring any unforeseen circumstances or instances with the police for possession with intent to blah-blah-blah, I'll hit the great state of Indiana sometime in 2007. From there, one of you will have to give me a lift. Keep me posted. Since I've missed every family function in the last 15 years, I'm due to be there for one of 'em.