Nealodamus Predicts All

According to this guy I work with, I have the power to predict events including THE FUTURE. This is evidenced by my prediction of Terri's death and our vengefull God striking down of the Pope for not being able to stop a kill-crazed America from pulling the tube.

It would be a shame to only predict death and world turmoil, so I have spent the better part of three hours in the handicapped stall in the men's room predicting other events that soon will be. What follows are just a few examples of my great insight into the plight of humanity and the earth:

1. In 2005 George Bush will declare war on Tsunamis and the creatures that comprise Poseidon's, Oceanus', and the Kraken's underwater army.

2. The pain of remembering 9/11 will grow too great for America to bare. After little debate, the US removes the date from the Catholic calendar and replaces it with the less painful 9/10.5 date. Shortly thereafter, the number for 911 will be changed to 872 which will spell out the more patriotic U-S-A.

3. By 2006 every child born will be mandated to have a tattoo of Calvin peeing on something

4. There will be a morbidly gross competition between the makers of between penis enlargement medications to make a member so large that, when erect, causes the rest of the body to shrivel up to the size of a flacid penis.

5. In the year 2120 there still will not be a pill on the market to make vagina's smaller.

6. Next season, baseball players will give up using steroids and illegal enhancement drugs to bulk themselves up and get back to using old-fashioned 1980's cocaine.

7. School shootings will continue to increase in quantity, but will not receive massive press as they will be declared 'totally uncool' by tomorrow's MTV8 (ocho) generation.

8. Iraq will encounter a tremendous technology boom with the introduction of democracy. Soon thereafter they create a machine of cutting the heads off entire teams of foreign reporters and soldiers.

9. Human bodies will be cloned without heads for use in organ harvesting. The number one and two sales items will be gigantic penises and extremely tight vaginas.

10. We will all die. Black, White, Asian, Muslim, Jew, Hockey player, Canadian, Racists, and Pat Robertson will all be dead in the future. The only survivor will be the bionic baseball playing humanoid machine equipped with a giant penis and extremely small vagina that was built by Iraqi’s on 9/10.5/2200 exclusively for cutting the heads off all remaining tattooed, school shooting kids who refuse to work for the creatures of the deep.

Scary, huh? Fuck yeah it is!