Identity of 'Deep Throat' Source Revealed

Breaking a silence of 30 years, former FBI official Irving Cohen stepped forward Tuesday as Deep Throat, the secret Washington Post source that helped bring down President Nixon during the Watergate scandal. Within hours, the paper ratified his claim. "Gentlemen, you know what the problem is these days?" , said Cohen, "It's that kids don't have a chance to fail." Cohen went on to say, "In the old days we had a little thing that you used to call Vaudeville. And if you couldn't spin a plate, you didn't eat! Which is what I told the great Sophie Tucker in the song I wrote for her...For the Broadway show "Wig Wam Serenade"...Give me a C! A bouncy C!" Irving Cohen then spread his arms out and broke into song, singing: Sophie Tucker was quite a girl A red-hot mama who could make a plate twirl The kids today, they don't have a clue With those Nine Inch Nails and the band U-2 My scrambled eggs were runny today Dot-dot-dot dee-dee-dee And whatever the heck else you wanna put in there!

And he hit every branch on the way down...

Bob Geldof, self-obsessed drug addict, was accosted with an ugly stick at a recent book signing. Shortly after, he went back to his job at the local bakery where he gets paid to stick his face in dough to make gorilla cookies.

Suprise witness takes the stand

"Nerts!" gasped the honorable Judge Rodney S. Melville as Michael Jackson teleported back in time over the Memorial Day weekend to bring his youth star persona to court to testify on his behalf. "I've seen these horse parlor tricks in comic picture books and in at the talkin' tin-types but never in my 86 years on the bench have I seen such Merlinesque machinations," said the Judge. Moments later, Melville removed his robes to reveal a sharp looking zoot suit. He then 23 skidooed it past the bailiff and went on the lamb. It was a humdinger in the courtroom today, yessiree! (editor's note: because Michael fiddled with, or stuck his pinky up the rectum of, space and time, all members of the courtroom spent an metaphoric eternity in the year 1924. At lunch today, the courtroom broke out into a panic when there weren't enough newspapers and bowler hats to go around. Two jurors had heart attacks when they walked outside the courthouse and saw a horseless carriage with a radio on the inside! Everyone in the courtroom was treated at a local hospital for what victims were refering to as the 'heebie-jeebies.' On a related note; many local stage performers have complained of being pelted with cabbages and tomatoes during their sets and having reviews that state they are 'the bee's knees.' Whack-a-doo!) (editor's note 2: I'm either an appleknocker or full of moxie and pizazz to meld Michael Jackson, space time, and 1920's vernacular in one post. Doo wacka doo wacka doo!)

So, I guess the question really is...

Would you trade in your two working eyes for the one eye that doesn't?

Power Team Brings Strong Message

Stronger to a commitment of integrity and excellence. Stronger in our commitment to children of the church. Stronger in our personal pursuit of the one, the only, the Jesus H. Christ. Are you ready to show your faith as we destroy a bunch a shit in the name of the almighty? It's POWER TIME!!!!!! Our new vision of excellence & integrity, coupled with our God-infused muscle mass allow us to focus on winning the lost by motivating, encouraging, & inspiring. Keep in mind that we are in no way affiliated with The Power Team from the 1980's that was involved in cocaine trafficking through local churches. We conduct ourselves in the highest ethical & Christ-like manner. Now who's ready to watch the power of Jesus flow through our Apostle Eddie. Eddie can drive 16 penny nails through a board with his bare hand, can snap a crescent wrench in half, and holds two records for breaking ice and concrete with his head. He is truly a passionate and clear communicator of the Lord's word. Not only is he going to lay on a bed of nails, but he'll be crushed between TWO beds of nails, vaguely similar to Jesus Christ when he was crucified, while Jeremy bench presses 400 lbs on top of him. Eddie; show these fine Christians your power and faith in Jesus Christ! Hallelujah! Our next act of faith and devil defiance comes to you via Power Team member, Anthony. In his career, he has blown up over 1000 hot water bottles without failing. He has bent over 20 tons of steel in his teeth and crushed over 10 tons of ice last year with his fists, forearms and head. He is also an excellent school assembly speaker. Now watch as focuses his powers of faith and Christ to destroy a stack of cement bricks that represents the great temptation of Satan. Tell the devil it's time take a hike...with Jesus. Hieeeee-chaaaaaa! Wasn't that amazing to see the Lord working through our team's powerful biceps and forearms? This would be a great time to remind you that when we mention turning your life over to Christ, we in no way mean it in the same way The Power Team from the 1990's did by conducting their underage prostitution crusade. We continually pride ourselves with not selling your children for sex and pornography anymore. This is the pledge of THE NEW POWER TEAM! In no way is this pledge more apparent than in our next disciple, John. He is known as the "Human Canon Ball" for running full speed and diving head first into a wall of ice 9' thick! He posses the strongest hands on the team and can rip two decks of cards in half. Imagine what he could do to your neck if he found out you told your parents something you weren't supposed to. You can have the same strength we do if you turn your life over to Christ with us today. John will be ripping a license plate with the inscription, "SIN4EVR" to show how Jesus tears up your sins when you turn your life over to him. Tell that Satan he's got a one way ticket on the Pain Train that is salvation! Now rip that bitch up, Mutha Fucka!!! All right well the faith and blow is drying up in this God factory so we've got to move on to spread the good word about the magic of fucking Jesus. By saying 'fucking Jesus' we in no way affiliated with the 2001 Power Team's: Fuckin' Jesus Holy War Rockathon Extrav-bong-anza that claimed the lives of 33 people. We just mean that Jesus was fucking 'right-on.'

ABC: We're Gonna Gay It Up this Summer!

Based on the success of shows like Queer Eye and While You Were Out, ABC announces their new summer television reality series "Dancing with the Stars." "This program promises to heat up your summer nights with unbridaled and penetrating homosexual entertainment," says ABC executive, Randall Fudgepacrick. The show pairs a celebrity with a professional dance partner and follows them as they train and then compete in front of a studio audience in a televised dance competition. The second part of the show has these competitors swaping partners to engage in a lightning round of anal intercourse. The pairs will be judged by a panel of experts and also by viewers at home, with one couple being eliminated each week.
Following in this trend, NBC has announced it's new reality based show "The Cosby Blow" where young males are brought in to pleasure one of America's most endeared comic. Not to be outdone, CBS has another iteration of its top rated CSI program slated for fall entitled, "CSI: Codpiece and Brownrod" which promises to expose the underside of Cleveland's steamy, bisexual investigative unit.

American Idol Murder Rampage

Carrie Underwood, right, crushed her mother's skull, and the brain pan's of 27 other audience members, moments after winning the "American Idol" on May 25, 2005. "My fans gave me tremendous power and I couldn't control it," said Carrie as she was led away by LAPD from the Kodak Theater, in Los Angeles. "The whole American Idol scene was a morbid spectacle," said police chief Wanger. "It's made all the more disgusting by this skull crushing business."

New Jackson Strategy

Jackson to surround himself with uglier people to make himself look more human to jurors.

Phoenix

After being derelict for nearly 10 days, my attention can now be brought back to the important things in life: family, gaming, and der blogenspiel (the blog of much merry). Be forewarned, I have garnered enough hate and hostility over the past two weeks to blow doors down and set the innocents ablaze. It's fucka' time!

The Great Videogame Crash of 2008

The show grows more depressing as vendor after vendor, analyst after analyst, and the who's who of the videogame world collctively saying: we have no idea what will happen, but we are in for some tough times. No shit, Sherlock. But if you want the reason for that, you just have to take a look around at what's on display here: Shooter, Thug Beat 'em ups, racing, etc. It's all the same shit in a cleaner wrapper. Why don't the fuck nut companies put something out there that's different and innovative? Cause they'll lose a couple'a bucks? Shameful! I've got much more to say, but I've got to run.

Gamers...

So, after digging myself out of a shallow grave and hitch hiking my way back to civilization, I hit the LA Convention center bright and early. In fact, the conference doors hadn't even opened yet. Sitting in front of E3, there's something incredibly striking about the people milling about. They are rediculously happy and elated by what they are about to see. Like kids on Christmas Eve. I've been to Stanley Cup finals, NFL Playoffs, stadium and larger venue music concerts but have never seen the level of excitement at these events exceed the raw, giddy, passion overspill that I see from the attendants at E3 every year. Thousands of smiling faces, silly giggling, and a series of conversations so confounding and beyond the grasp of the mainstream that it makes me blush with glee. With the many problems as I have with the game industry at the moment, these guys/gals make me forget them for a moment. Unfortunately, these feelings will be destroyed in 15 minutes after my first meeting with EA.

E3 - On the way to see Heff

Sitting in a taxi on the way to the Playboy Mansion for what will, undoubtably, be one of the oddest amalgamations known to the species of man: Playboy Bunnies and Video Gamers. Just thinking about it makes my mouth taste like bile. In the taxi with my driver, Karen M Tuniyants, I have been brought to the point of death now two times. I'm looking at my phone when, all of a sudden, my body lunges violently forward into the plexiglass partiton. God damn that hurts when your glasses hit first. These results are still better than if I were the one driving. With the LA traffic, I would be crying and driving from a fetal position in no time. Still driving 10 minutes later. I have no idea if this guy is just taking me on a joyride or he plans on taking me back to some shady alley to beat the living shit outta me. Sometimes, it can be tough being a white suburbanite in the Big Dirty (LA). Now that IS strange: all of the street names have changed from English to Korean. I haven't seen a white person, car, or unskinned rabbit (I hope that's rabbit) in miles. The sun is setting and I am a long way from where I started. I really shouldn't have put this blindfold on. I want my blankey here to keep me safe. Still driving and my thumb has been sucked raw. All I wanted was to see the Playboy Mansion before I died. Now, I can see it, my last vision will be of the back of Mr Tuniyants greasy head. I am so scared right now. I just glanced at the fare: $971.40. I hope this trip is over soon as I only have $1000 in my pocket. Criminey, this is terrible. If I live, I'll report back tomorrow from the floor.

Electronics Entertainment Expo (E3) 2005

I am on my way to the biggest game conference on earth...and I couldn't care less. Now, I know you are saying, "You fuck! I'd give my left nut just to be there this year! Xbox 360, PS3, Nintendo's Revolution, it's going to be the best E3 ever!" To which I would say, "You are an idiot." Just shut up for a second and I tell you why this year's convention will be the worst show since this event was in Atlanta. First and foremost, I am not a hard core gamer. My love and respect for the art of videogames transcends marketing labels, demographics and Tony Hawk-isms. Like many gamers of my age, I've seen, firsthand, the rise and fall of Atari. I have foolishly purchased a game console with the understanding that I would have no one to talk to about the experience (Microvision, 3D0, Virtual Boy). Most importantly, like other educated, knowledgeable gamers of my ilk, understand that this industry will crash, and crash hard, over the course of the next 3-5 years. It will make the games industry crash of 1983 look like a fender bender. I am not a doomsayer, a prophet, or number crunching games analyst; I'm just a guy who has seen some bad mojo, unethical business transactions, and an isolation of the core gamers to which these game companies claim to be catering. It doesn't take a genius to see this industry is headed into the ground like a fiery meteor. Just look to the examples set by that of Ico, Rez, Panzer Dragoon Orta, and Katamari Damacy. These games are what is driving this industry forward in terms of creativity and technology, but is overlooked by 95% of the gaming public. Has anyone heard of the game 'Shadow of the Colossus' that will be out this fall? This industry has changed its focus, removed itself from fun and fantasy and attached itself to the quick buck philosophy that doomed the industry just like back when Ray Kassar took over Atari in 1980. This industry now is based upon piss poor titles like the steaming pile of fetid scat that EA heaps upon gamers every year. As long as this industry caters to GTA, Madden, and the regurgitation of titles every six months (I'm talkin' to you UbiSoft) we are headed for a long slide down into a solid brick wall. Even John Madden is confused over why people keep buying this shit game. Over the next few days, I'll keep posting from the show with photos insight and updates on my state of mind. Also, after these two weeks of blogless/soapbox commentary are over, I’ll be back in full swing with the funny. Promise.

Getting married, South Asian Indian style

Ladies, I want you to imagine your wedding day. It's beautiful isn't it? The sun is shining on your facial scars, all your friends and soon-to-be husband's cell mates are waiting in the wings, you look to your groom with the one eye that still works and say those magic words, "I don't want you to kill this man for raping me in a hospital bathroom and horribly scarring me for life...I want to make him my confidant, lover and best friend for life." Apparently that is exactly what some nut judge in India wants to do. With that logic, all sodomized children should have the option of asking their rapist to provide day care for them in lieu of prison time. What dilapidated branch of humanity has birthed this country's judicial thought process? Case in point; stealing olives? Hands come off, case closed! Rape and disfigure a woman? Let's see...how about...marriage? I totally understand that their culture may discriminate/hate women. I can get that as it is a lot like my dislike for cats. I totally hate cats and will refuse to offer them housing, love, or a bowl of milk, etc. I think they are lesser animals to the superior dog and when they are in heat; their fence-top moans need to be squelched by whatever shoe is readily available. But if I see a dog bite, attack, or begin to rape a cat, I would kick that dog’s ass. First for the aggressive behavior on a lesser animal, then for the grossness of the act. Regardless of what your feelings are on dogs/cats or men/women; rape and disfigurement are eye for and eye offenses, right? Hey India, how about this. Since you’re into really weird shit this is right up your alley. How about horribly disfiguring this man's dick and then put a scarf around its head and have the guy marry that? Fuckin' nutbags, all of you! And don't look at me like that North Korea; you're next on my shit list.

Fanaticism 101: Starting your own Tirade

Introduction This class will be dealing with excessive enthusiasm and intense uncritical devotion to a cause without the clumsiness and endless fact checking that usually accompanies intelligence. Welcome to Fanaticism 101. What is Fanaticism? When we think of fanaticism, our natural instincts are not to think at all. This is good as thought only interferes with the process of being a true and divine fanatic. When the general public is questioned about the subject, they usually classify fanaticism into two groups: religious fanatics and sports fanatics. Some of you may ask, "What about political, ideological and object driven fanaticism?" My response generally is, "Shut up, shut up, and shut up! There is two AND ONLY TWO!" For those who pass this course, you will be rewarded with the 700 level course: "The Grass Pentagrams of Enlightenment and Truth: An Introduction to Sports Fanaticism." However, for this semester, we will be focusing our 'crazy' on the Fanaticism of Religion. Do you have to believe in God to be a fanatic?" Oh, my heavens, no! Religious fanaticism doesn't come from faith, but from a lack of it. The religious fanatic is someone who is convinced that just believing in God is simply not enough. Because devotion is not demanded, a fanatic has to retroactively justify his stalwart, unyielding beliefs somehow. This always leads to the hilarious, inevitable corruption of the original underlying religious system which leads to making stuff up that wasn't part of the religion in the first place. Seriously, if you want to have total and complete creative freedom as a fanatic, with Religion, the sky's the limit. Dealing with Science and Facts Uh oh! Looks like someone has a picture that refutes one of your core beliefs, what do you do? Well, there is always strength in numbers, which is why Religious fanaticism thrives in the south. If you are a northern fanatic, look to technologies like the internet to expand your closed minded, 2% vision of God's world. There are virtually tens of sites that cover passages from the Bible all the way up through recently discovered shame scrolls. These unquestioned documents will provide you your ballast and insight on how to battle all the tangible evidence the universe of man and animal can provide. Also, remember that you have a wealth of crazy on your side that the scientists don't. While the 'logicians' consistently deliver facts, just pepper your conversation with your point but be sure to load it down with misunderstood gibberish. For example, a retort to the above image could go something like this; "So you have pictures of walking apes? They also have pictures of Big Foot and the Loch Ness Monster, does that mean we came from Big Foots who had sex with the Loch Ness Monster? I think it is YOU who are the one who is crazy-coo-coo-bananas!" Do you see how that works? Idol threats shame all fanatics Wrong, wrong, wrong! As a professor of Fanaticism, I can't tell you how many times that students turn in shoddy work such as the one shown above. If you want to fanatically oppose the Roman domination of Palestine and the Department of Transportation, Zealotry 101 is down the hall, thank you. How much crazy is too crazy? Recently a man jumped into a lion’s den at the Taipei Zoo and shouted "Jesus will save you." This is what the Italians call ‘conclusione dei giorni,’ or an ‘end of day’s’ maneuver where the fanatic has so fervently assured himself that the world is done for and his only salvation is death by some brutal means. I suggest you use this only after you have expelled all other options and have previously ostracized yourself from your fellow man for a period of at least five years. Make sure you are willing to die 110% for your beliefs. Also make absolutely sure that the Virgin Mary that appeared in the underpass that was telling you to ‘throw yourself to the lions’ was not just a police officer saying ‘you’re blocking the bike lane.’ Homework Using the following format, let your local congressman, senator, bus driver, pedestrian and passerby know a little bit more about you. Fill in your fanatical belief in the blanks provided and photocopy as many as you can before next Monday’s class. “The vast majority of _____________ are normal, humble, caring, giving people. But some ____________ are mean-spirited and hateful. Some ______________ are criminals. Others are just arrogant pricks. So it's totally cool to characterize all ____________ as ____________. See, we can even create disparaging names like _____________ or ______________ to describe them. This makes them seems less human to us. And, it makes us feel better for being such complete bigots with our heads up our asses.” (special thanks to FARK Teaching Assistant 'TrueAustinite' for this week's homework form)

05:05, 05.05.05

I just got an email that states today is a special day. Not because there is a wheelchair sale at the local retardary, but because the date 05.05.05 comes only once in 1000 years. Oh, but it is more special than you think as this Cinco falls on a Thursday (5th Day of the week) which comes only once in 7000 years. Additionally, at 5 minutes past 5:00pm this afternoon, the atomic digital clock will read 05:05, 05.05.05 which will never happen again in our lifetime! To celebrate the special occasion, I have developed this printable celebratory card you can print and share with people on this special Cinco de Mayo (aka: My workplace bathroom hasn't been cleaned all day) holiday. Enjoy!

Internet OUT!

Our internet is out here at the office so I have to post from my phone today. While I am sitting in Starbucks, for the comfy chairs, not the coffee, I overhear two women in their thirties talking about the hot topic of the day: Ryan Seacrest. Here's what I gleaned from the conversation: "God is Ryan Seacrest awesome! First he squeezes the secondary host out of Idol in season one, then he gets his own talk show and catch phrase, on top of all that, he gets a star on the Hollywood walk of fame! Is there nothing this paramout sociallite hipster MC cannot do?" "Well, for one, he can't have sex with girls 'cause he's a super fag."

National Right to Life and PETA Join Forces

Researchers Testing AIDS Drugs on Children By Weer Gointahell, Associated Press Writer WASHINGTON - I was told by my teachers to start these stories off with a joke, so here it goes; what happens when you have a life threatening epidemic coupled with a crack down on abortion, uncontrollable orphen population growth, and a group that berates you for testing treatments and drugs on animals? Why, you have the government fund researchers to test AIDS drugs on hundreds of foster children over the past two decades. Yeah, I didn't get that joke either. Perhaps it is less 'ha-ha' funny and more 'Business as Usual/Life in these United States/Humor in Uniform' kinda funny. Oh wait, that shit is really happening? No way! Get out! You're lying! Serious? Holy crap, that's just crazy! Crazy or not, according to the report, the practice ensured that foster children would be exposed to drugs that were known to have serious side effects in adults. A Texas researcher, added: "I never wanted a guardian to ever say 'yes' simply because they thought that it was what I wanted them to do. I just knew if they wanted money to buy their meth and crank, they were going to have to turn over the children for brutal, nazi-istic, science experiments." Quick question for the class; Does it bother anyone that we have first time mary jane and LSD users in high security prisons, but have a bunch of hormonally unbalanced, sexually active, government built AIDS containment units playing kickball with our kids? I'm just askin'.

The Lil'est Lesbian Goes to Court

By T.A. BADGER, Associated Press Writer 2 hours ago FORT HOOD, Texas - Jury selection started Tuesday for the panel that will recommend a sentence for Army Reservist, new mother, and longtime lesbian Lynndie England, who pleaded guilty to mistreating prisoners at the Abu Ghraib prison camp in Iraq. England accepted responsibility for the smiling, thumbs-up poses she struck for photographs taken at Abu Ghraib that made her the face of the prisoner abuse scandal. England, 22, in a candid, makeup-free interview on CBS pleaded guilty Monday to seven counts of mistreating prisoners, saying she let her comrades talk her into going along with the abuse. She then placed her index finger on the left side of her nose and blew out a tremendously large amount of snot and mucous which seemed to plague her during the one-on-one conversation. Shortly thereafter, she challenged her interviewer, Julie Chen, to an arm wrestling competition which was politely declined. The charges carry up to 11 years in prison, the defense couldn't seem to communicate with England as one of her prosecutors had a 'killer rack' which seemed to occupy Ms. England's mind every three seconds. At Monday's hearing, England stepped out of her Subaru Forrester and softly told the crowd, "As much as you might dislike me, or the things I may have done under war time duress, please to not defile the Spongebob Squarepants and Celebrate Diversity rainbow bumperstickers as they are a statement of my personal freedom and individuality." Pvt. Charles Graner Jr., labeled the abuse ringleader and the man said to be the father of England's infant son, said that he was initially attracted to Ms. England for her striking resemblance to the famous, late, foul-mouthed comedian, Sam Kinnison. "Her frumpy shoulders and terrible bouts of screaming would have us in stitches. It was only then [after, we agreed to have sex] that I found out she was a chick. I was real scared that had she been a guy, all the other prison guards would have called me an Abu Ghraibo. I really dodged a bullet." In England's hometown in West Virginia, Jawanda Satzer said the scandal has given the community a bad name. "For someone to do something like that, and then for her to be from Fort Ashby, it's upsetting," said Satzer, 37. "I also hated how she used to comment that my butt must have been made of jelly 'cause jam don't shake like that."

Actress Goldie Hawn Slowly Transforming Back Into Pumpkin

Actress Goldie Hawn poses for photographers Monday, May 2, 2005 during her book signing at Barnes & Noble book store in New York. The Academy Award-winning actress has written her autobiography, "Age is Rotting Me Like a Hollowed Pumpkin in the Sun."

Amazing Grace LaForge

Was blind, but now they see as six previously blind patients detect light, motion, identify objects with retinal prostheses. "Fuck yeah! Vision Accomplised, beeyotch" claimed researchers from the University of Southern California as they drank hard from the keg of a successful operation. "Now that this stressful week of presentations and operations is over, I want to get drunk as fast as possible and fuck all those tight ass nurses who were all up in my shit all week. USC RULES!" stated Dr Josh Felcherburg of the Uni-Eye Institute's Doheny Retina division, of Sylmar, Calif. According to Mark Humayun, professor of ophthalmology at the Keck School of Medicine and the lead investigator on the project, "all six of the previously blind patients have been able to detect light, identify objects in their environment, and even perceive motion after implantation with the epiretinal device. Now suck it like I own you, BOOYA!" This study is being conducted under a Food and Drug Administration Investigational Device Exemption (IDE), and I don't think I give a shit about writing any more of this...Sorry for phoning this one in today. I'll make sure all of you who read this blog are all compensated tomorrow.

Guilty Verdict Retraction

We sure feel a bit of shame for flying off the handle like that yesterday. Who knew that we would actually find one of these 'runaway brides' alive? Certainly not our crack reporting staff at The Penalty Box. While there is nothing we can do to take the impact of this story back from our impressionable readership, we do strongly ask that you stop trying to find, and personally judge, jurify, and excecute Mr John Mason. If you want to send him a letter of apology (read: NOT a knife to the chest, we can't stress this enough people), John Mason's home address is as follows: John Mason & Jennifer Wilbanks 752 Roundfield Circle Duluth, Georgia 30096 (to our readers: by 'sending a letter' we in no way mean an 'execution style killing') While our reporters may have been wrong with their assesment of guilt, you have to give them props for the strength of conviction and determination to tip the scale of public opinion. Our reporters are constantly looking for new ways to spread bias, hate, and easy to swallow propaganda. Note: We had planned to do a whole Islamic thing with this picture, but got beaten to it.