Cap'n E Bay McFaggotron III

Ahoy and Avast lubbers! It's time for another voyage on t' S.S. Crap Wagon with yer Cap'n E Bay McFaggotron III. Word from t' top o' t' yard arm be that e've got some steady seas o' garbage comin' our way. Put yer rubbers t' t' deck and be smartly about it. We're takin' on our first wave: Sweet Neptune's beard! It must be one a them Sirens t' local lads have been goin' on about for a fortnight. Except this one looks like a pile o' seagull shite with a head so big she'd have t' step into her shirt. Bobble heads always depress t' Cap'n as they be merely a gateway doll into t' worlds o' Precious Moments figurines. Har. No time for woe! Off t' starboard bow another useless piece of flotsam awaits: Is it a man? Is it a fish? Great barnacle barf, be that Leonard Nimoy's voice I hear? Lookin' at this travesty o' a creature makes t' Jolly Roger want t' put eaye aft in its skull so he can gouge them out again. While I must admit, these items do look fancy on t' deck o' t' ship, thar be no place for a lassish gamin' contraption on Cap'n E Bay McFaggotron's ship. Throw her overboard, mateys! Does me eye deceive me? Could this be? I thought these rare beasts were extinct t' world over! It truly be a sight t' behold: Why it's a severely outdated, monochromatic sextant and captain's log. By Possiedon's starboard nut! I've been wantin' one o' these forever! Brin' her in lads and let me bask in t' warm glow that only two AAA batteries can give a man. Datebook? Calendar? Phone book? Why it's a veritable treaaye trove o' wisdom and knowledge in me calloused and salt chapped hands. Wait...what does this say? PAYPAL ONLY! FIE AND CURSE THAT BARNACLE-CRUSTED SLAB-SIDED TUB o' AN AUCTIONEER! I AM TWIXED AND POX-FACED! We must move anchor now aft t' dry dock so I can set meself up an account!