34 minutes ago
WASHINGTON - President Bush nominated our Lord and savior Jesus H. Christ for the Supreme Court Monday, seeking to reshape the judiciary and mollify conservatives who derailed his previous pick. Ready-to-rumble Democrats said Jesus may curb abortion rights and be "too radical for the American people." Drawing an unspoken contrast to failed nominee Harriet Miers, Bush declared that the appeals court judge "has more prior judicial experience than any Supreme Court nominee in more than 70 years." The president continued, "I don't know what the hell I was thinking with that Miers thing-a-doo. Man, I must have been totally wasted last month."
Just 8 1/2 months earlier - and three days after his first Pro Bowl appearance - Bruschi had a mild stroke then underwent surgery for a hole in his heart. But on Sunday night he ignored ESPN commentator, Suzy Colbert, and ran like a prissy-dick into the locker room to have 'strength of character' and 'power of the human spirit' praise showered all over him.
Sorry to be such a jerk about it in this blog, but these guys are there for our amusement and socialogical study. When someone shoves a microphone in your face, you better start crying. That's what we pay you for, you douche!
Patriots, you suck.
North American bird smells a mate! Read all about it!
Turkey on turkey! Gravy's on the side! Extree! Extree!
Turkey-cock gobbler, gobbles turkey cock! Dingity doo! I'm yellin' at you! Extra!
Thanksgiving? Thanks gaving! Extra!
Gobble Gobble Gobble asks turkey on the knobble! Read all about it!
Turkey sucks president's dick! Extra! Extra!
George Takei, who as helmsman Sulu steered the Starship Enterprise through three television seasons and six movies, has come out as a homosexual in the current issue of Frontiers, a biweekly Los Angeles magazine covering the gay and lesbian community.
Takei told The Associated Press on Thursday that he wanted to wait until James Doohan, (Mr. Scot) had passed as, "it would have killed him to know that he was accepting blow jobs from a homosexual man on the set." (AP Photo/Damian Dovarganes)
Because God is no longer taking phone calls and personal prayers, President Bush begins climbing his official stairway to heaven to consult with our Lord and savior about why the US seems to be "sucking so much," Friday, Oct. 28, 2005. Bush is concerned about the fledgeling war on terrorism, rampant hurricanes, multiple party indictments, the rejection of his Supreme Court nominee, a polarized nation, and the Houston Astros losing every game of the World Series. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)
President Bush listens as White House counsel 
The president went on to assure America that 
Chicago White Sox's Geoff Blum regretfully thanked Hitler for giving him the strength to defeat the jew-loving Houston Astros 7-5 in Game 3 of the World Series early Wednesday, Oct. 26, 2005, in Houston. The White Sox, named for their early 1900's rituals of placing white stockings over their head for pre-game lynchings, lead the best-of-seven games series 3-0 and have already begun heating up the ovens in preparation for the potential World Series winning celebrations. (AP Photo/David J. Phillip)
Vice President Dick Cheney shows his 'intolerance face' at the annual meeting of CIA Outters and Presidential Glee Club in this Oct. 5, 2005. Not shown, Cheney's rib tickling and completely tasteless impersonation of ex-president Clinton getting a blow job from ex-president Nixon. (AP Photo/Lawrence Jackson, File)
Rapper DMX, whose real name is Earl Simmons, pauses to take a dump as he leaves Queens criminal court in this Tuesday, Oct. 11, 2005, in New York. DMX, who bears a striking resemblance to Lamont Sanford, faces 60 days in prison.
As Calgary Flames' Dion Phaneuf gets some air as he collides with Los Angeles Kings' Mattias Norstrom, local seat warmer, Jon Watelseyagot sits idly in his front row seat and wonders "I hope my DVR is recording Desperate Housewives for my wife." Mr. Watelseyagot's mind continued to ramble "if I miss out on recording another episode of that boring-ass show, I'm sure I'll never hear the end of it."
When asked by a local stadium vendor if he would like peanuts or popcorn, he looked absently towards the merchant and said, "Neither. But if you had an gun on you I wouldn't mind taking the opportunity to show my teeth what the back of my head looks like." Mr. Watelseyagot then mechanically went back to daydreaming about what he watched with his wife on 'Sex and the City.' (AP Photo/Danny Moloshok)
Houston Astros pitcher Brad Lidge, bottom, feels 'just terrible' about throwing his now regrettable 'slow-right-over-home-plate-giving-the-ball-the-illusion-of-being-the-size-of-a beachball' pitch in the bottom of the ninth inning for a 7-6 win in Game 2 of the World Series Sunday, Oct. 23, 2005, in Chicago. After the game Lidge lamented, 'what really steamed my vegies is that the umpires got into the celebration.' Lidge then excused himself to fashion a makeshift noose out of his shoestrings before entering the locker room. (AP Photo/Darron Cummings)
Detroit Lions' Nick Harris did not expect kicker Jason Hanson (4) to punch him squarely in the testicles following his game-winning 50-yard field goal in the fourth quarter Sunday, Oct. 23, 2005, in Cleveland. "I guess I sorta asked for it," said Harris, holding a back of ice on his nether region "moments earlier I had commented that 'being a kicker and having the last name Hanson qualified him to be a total super fag.'" (AP Photo/Tom Puskar)
Workers from Pfizer quickly work to load a man with an emu shaped penis into a temporary holding facility on Thursday, Oct. 20, 2005. A spokesperson from Pfizer stated Wednesday that, "this grotesque anomaly is not a common side effect of the drug and that users of Viagra have had great success in achieving blindness...I mean boners."
While that is the conversation you'd expect, it was hardly the case with local assisted living resident, Emma Wogajew. Using the name "OlGrL14," Wogajew phished the 'Young Goths for Jesus' chatroom to 'intentially soil the minds' of children. The Bluefish Retirement Center's IT department intercepted her racially charged chat room conversation on Thursday, Oct. 20, 2005.
OlGrL14: what nat are you?
r3zn0r_rox: mexican
r3zn0r_rox: you like mexicans?
OlGrL14: eww
OlGrL14: sorry
r3zn0r_rox: why?
OlGrL14: cholloz
OlGrL14: pUhaHAa
r3zn0r_rox: we got big ones
OlGrL14: they start shit wit us
r3zn0r_rox: we good too
r3zn0r_rox: what shit?
OlGrL14: uh huh
r3zn0r_rox: what u talking about?
OlGrL14: alwayz trying to fight
OlGrL14: with koREans
OlGrL14: but they alwayz get their azz beat down anywayz
r3zn0r_rox: fight about what?
OlGrL14: juss fight cuz they thinki they so hard
OlGrL14: always want to rumble with us
r3zn0r_rox: don't korean girls love mexicans?
OlGrL14: fuQ no
Charges were dropped, however, when investigators found out that 'r3zn0r_rox' was actually local resident Albert Stringem (79) who was sitting two terminals over from Ms. Wogajew. (AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar)
Recent advances in digital enhancing technology reveal that U.S. President Bush was wearing an earpiece during last fall's debates with Senator Jim Kerry (it was Jim, right...John? John Kerry? Wow, how soon you forget, huh?). "I knew it" stated Francesca Crateral, who runs the website 'www.BushWasWiredInTheDebatesWhyCan'tAllOfYouSeeThis.org.' "This is a big win for us and should show America he's not fit to be president."
Unfortunately, we had to inform Ms Crateral that Bush was, and has been President since November 2004. Dispondant, she turned away from our interview and went back to watching 'In Search Of: Big Foot' on her 10" kitchen television. (AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)
Now that hockey is back in business, I can officially state to the US and the world that soccer is gay. Not just gay; Super Gay!
Seriously, when I express this viewpoint, I always seem to get the arguement, 'I'd like to see you run up and down that field for three hours and then call those people fags.' Well, I'm not calling them 'fags,' but I am calling soccer a sport for ultra fags. If these 'players' choose to remain in this sport, then so be it.
Soccer is full of girls that cry over cherry burns and fall apart at the sign of a red card. I remember watching a football game where the quarterback's leg splintered like a piece of kiln-dried bamboo and he didn't cry about it. He made the official fashion a make-shift splint from the legs of the opposing team's bench and went on to throw a 60 yard touchdown pass three plays later. That's a man.
Not this! Holy crap! This is as gay as a day in May!
I was in the UK and was invited to a football game. Imagine my amazement when I saw not a bunch of grizzled men banging against each other, but a group of little boys in short pants frantically trying to get their bangers in eachother's mouths! Disgraceful!
As a father, and a man, and an American, I can honestly say that my daughter isn't going to be brought up around a bunch of perverted, ball kicking, Queen Mary's that prance about on a field that was meant for good, ol fashioned, man banging football.
Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, repeatedly karate-chopped himself in the testicles after being asked how it felt to lose a 4 billion dollars on the original Xbox at the "Mastermind" conference held at the Gartner Symposium in Orlando, Fla., Wednesday, Oct. 19, 2005. (AP Photo/Bill Perry)
Where do I begin? Well, how about with, "Thank you Ars Technica and, more importantly, Ben Kuchera, for 
Saddam Hussein, front, Abdullah Kazim Ruwayyid, center, and Barzan Ibrahim sit in Cedar Point's newest attraction, 'The Baghdad Ball-Kicker' before their trial gets underway Wednesday Oct. 19, 2005. Saddam Hussein commented that, "[this coaster] is an awesome ride! It is the ultimate airtime machine in steel coasters, with lots of speed, height, hills, and laterals, all packaged together on one long smooth ride. I would give it a perfect 10/10 if there were a blade that came down and cut people's heads off periodically. You know, something for the adults as well as the kids." (AP Photo/Bob Strong, Pool )
Comedian Jerry Lewis poses backstage after being honored with the Governor's Award at the Creative Emmy Awards in this Sunday, Sept. 11, 2005 file photo. Lewis' latest role has him playing the part of an infected zombie that refuses to die in the Universal Studio's feature 'Doom' which will be in theaters this Friday. (AP Photo/Kevork Djansezian, FILE)
This photo supplied by ABC shows Ashlee Simpson staring at a plate of Bavarian Creme filled donuts (off camera) while performing live as part of the Women Rule Concert series on ABC's "Good Morning America" in New York Tuesday, Oct. 18, 2005. She is promoting her album, "I Am Me and Not My Sister" which hits stores Tuesday. The album is expected to be in the $.99 dump bins by Friday. (AP Photo/ABC,Heidi Gutman)
DJ Bird Flu and his sidekick Passenger Shotgun Frontseatenstien sit in their rented Uhaul before their concert in downtown Harrisburg, Tuesday Oct. 18 2005. This will be DJ Bird Flu's first tour since his number one song 'Brown cloud; Air Pollution is for Sucka Chumps' hit number 73 in the charts last month.
"We're looking forward to getting our message out about, Power generation, vehicle emissions, incineration, industrial effluents, smog, acid rain, feral dogs and cats, agricultural chemicals, pesticides, fungicides, herbicides, insecticides, radon, poverty, civic responsibility, cultural identity assimilation, overconsumption, alternative energy sources, urban renewal, Natural Habitats and Endangered species preservation, Noise Pollution, recycling, fishery and wildlife management, fossil fuels, water supply and conservation. We are also looking forward to getting laid...a lot." The dynamic rapping duo then left their Uhaul running for a half an hour while they unloaded box after box of gold chains before double-parking in front of the concert hall. (AP Photo/Srdjan Ilic)
Columbus Blue Jackets' Francois Beauchminachov, left, takes a shot to the head from Los Angeles Kings Tom Kostopoulosovichatrov during a fight over who had the more rediculously long last name, Sunday, Oct. 16, 2005, in Los Angeles. (AP Photo/Matt A. Brown)
Lehigh University biochemistry professor Michael Behe is scheduled to testify Monday Oct. 17, 2005 in a landmark trial in Harrisburg that will determine 
Nearly two years after his capture, Saddam Hussein is finally facing trial for alleged crimes against fellow Iraqis including:
1) Invade a sovereign foreign nation on entirely specious grounds.
2) The decision to deploy chemical weapons in Fallujah.
3) Authorizing torture of POW's - a direct violation of the protocols of the Geneva Convention.
4) Holding so called "non-combatant civilians" for an indefinite period of time depriving them access to counsel and acess to family members who could plead their cause to the public.
5) Kidnapping "terror suspects" and sending them to countries like Uzbekistan who boil these untried unconvicted people alive.
6) Engaging in a massive voter suppression campaign to secure a second term by fraudulent means.
7) Covering up the involvement of Mossad in 9/11.
8) Engaging in a sytematic campaign of depriving political dissidents of their 1st ammendment rights.
9) Conspiring to rig the vote count and covering up the latter by passing legislation to prevent post-election examination of voting machines.
10) Illegally transferring $700 million from the budget for the war in Afghanistan for war preparations in Iraq in July 2002, without Congressional Approval...Wait a minute...this isn't the right list...
COVER LETTER:
Avast and Yo-Ho prospective employers! Me eBay business at sea rests in Davey Jones' locker and now I'ze lookin' for honest land lubber work t' quell t' hunger pains in me belly.
Arrrr, I ain't ate nothin' but barnicles for weeks and with me bein' all barnicle intollerant, me crew be about t' keel haul me t' me own yard arm!
Sincerely,
Cap'n eBay McFaggotron III
RESUME:
Objective:
As t' old pirate motto goes, "No prey, no pay!" In other words, by outsourcin' me marketin' arm, I wish t' be ensurin' that all marketin' expenses be clearly connected t' profits. Oh, and a little rape and pillage action wouldn't hurt, ya-harr.
Experience:
Software Pirate
The Pirates Cove, San Mateo, CA
Responsibilities:
- Rape, plunder and steal software
- Brag about me booty over a mug o' ale on t' chatboards o' World o' Warcraft
- Transport code t' BitTorrent Island!
Reason for leaving:
A pirate be never in one harbor for long. Also, I was caught chokin' t' bilge rat too many times in t' Pirate washroom. Yar.
-----
Pirate of the Carribean #257 (scene deleted)
Disney Studios, Hollywood, CA
Responsibilities:
- Wear Pirate clothin' while millin' about sayin' 'Arrrr'
- Stay away from Mr. Johnny Depp while he takes his 'crazy sleep'
- Brag about bein' Mr. Johnny Depp's 'cabin lad' on t' chatboards o' Everquest
Reason for leaving:
T' siren's call from t' briney deep, I could resist no more. Constantly tryin' t' sneak into bed with Mr. Johnny Depp while he took his 'crazy sleep.'
-----
Pirates "CannonBall" Waterslide Experience - Ticket Collector (summer 2001)
Land of Make Believe off of Route 31, Great Meadows, NJ
Responsibilities:
- Brag about someday bein' a 'real pirate' on t' chatboards o' Ultima Online
- Take tickets for six PounderBall slide
- Doubled productivity by becomin' a part-time breast inspector and cockswain
Reason for leaving:
T' waterslide experience be a cruel mistress, plus I was caught propositionin' a 13 year old lass. In me defense, a thirteen year old lass with wet hair looks strikin'ly like an 8 year old lad. It's a mistake anyone could make.
Education
T' Davy's Grip o' t' Deep Blue herself
Community College of Allegheny County
References
Powder Monkey Picaroon
pmp@gmail.com
Jack Tar Freebooter
jtfreeboot@hotmail.com
Holystone 'Hempen Halter' Salmagundi
blowmedown@gaypirateforhire.net
It's a chilling thought, but all of these people used to be alive. Some were shop owners, others were prostitutes, many were children of the Lord Jesus Christ. All of them now have one thing in common; none could escape this mortal coil alive.
"Death awaits us all," says local goth, Ian Soverigay. "I only wish I could be a vampire so that I could live forever," he continued. When we asked him how he would make the world a better place by staying alive indefinitely, he threw his cape over his shoulder and drove away in his 1993 Ford Escort.
In this photo we see the Fucktard children and their father Jim Bob Fucktard, top center, as they gather around their fertile and unchecked mother Michelle. Mrs. Fucktard holds the 16th addition to the family Tuesday, Oct. 11, 2005, at St. Mary's Hospital in Rogers Ark. The girl Johannah was born Oct. 11, at the hospital and should look forward to a life fraught with nominal living space and occasional bouts of starvation. Local residents of an already overcrowded Earth sent the Fucktards this message; "Thanks a lot you selfish, breeding assholes." (AP Photo/Discovery Health Channel, Spencer Tirey)
Wearing a hard hat and holding a hammer, Reemish McApplebright fears losing his job because of his similar appearance to President George Bush, in Covington, La., Tuesday, Oct. 11, 2005. "The president's been accused of doing such a terrible job that it is starting to sway the perception of my foreman," stated Reemish. "I can't even use the Honey Bucket without everyone telling me not to 'Hurricane Katrina-up the John.'" (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite)
A four-hundred-count indictment returned by a New York City grand jury alleges the men, all Brooklyn citizens, visited and conducted a series of terrorist attacks on local businesses and surrounding neighborhoods between August 1930 and April 1974. Ex-mayor Rudolph Giuliani stated, "These attacks covered all professions and spanned every economic class. Rich or poor, doctor or plumber, fireman or door-to-door sales person; these three would attack and dismantle each of these operations, leaving ruins for their victims."
Their latest plot was foiled when Prof. J.O. Dunkfeather dropped his pants off for dry cleaning two weeks ago. When he came back to claim his merchandise, he found one of the terrorists wedged in a pants pressing machine with iron marks on his forehead and rectal area. Another of the suspected was rubbing a pair of pants with shoe polish while Moe, the leader of the group ripped large chunks of hair out of his [Larry’s] head. Bronx authorities were alerted and arrested the three men on terrorism-related charges, Deputy Attorney General James B. Comey said.
The grand jury returned the indictment on March 23 but it was unsealed only Tuesday. Named in it are Mohomed Howard (Moe), 113, Nadeem (Larry) Tarmohammed, 116, and Qaisar 'Curly' Shaffi, 121. They could receive life sentences if convicted of the most serious charge, conspiracy to use weapons of mass destruction in the United States. The indictment lists those weapons as improvised explosive devices using gas stations and bombs hidden in cream filled pies.
U.S. officials claim the group has cycled other terrorists through its organization over the years including Shemp Barot, a senior al-Qaida figure, and Abu 'Joe', Eisa al-Curly-Joe DeRita.
Prosecutors in the courtroom accused the three of terrorist activity. When asked by the court bailiff, "Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?" Curly remained silent. When asked why he wouldn't answer, Curly stated, "He's talkin' pig latin! I don't know what he's sayin'!" When the bailiff restated the question, "He's asking you if you swear...," Curly uttered the indignant response, "No! But I know all the woids!"
The court broke down when, without council, Moe shoved Curly's head into a letterpress during his testimony. Moe then held a baton and played a mouth harmonica, which Curly made him accidentally swallow when he said, "That was sure HOT Moe!" and slapped him on the back.
"They are indicted here and whether or not they actually ever are extradited here I guess is a matter of discussion," said New York Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly. "But I think it's important, both substantively and symbolically important, that you come here, you do these type of shenanegans, we're not going to forget. No matter how much you say 'woop woop woop'"
White House spokesman Scott McClellan, speaking to reporters aboard Air Force One as President Bush returned to Washington from his ranch in Texas, called the indictments "another significant step in the global war on terrorism."
"We're going to continue to go after and pursue those who seek to do us harm and those who seek to do harm to the civilized world," McClellan said "This indictment will also serve as a warning to the terrorist cells Ali and Chipmunks and the fopishly oafish, but no less dangerous, Laurel and Hindi bastards."
On September 25th, Hurrican Katrina broke ground on Lousiana's newest Airport; The G.W. Bush Landing Strip and Car Parkery. The land for this airport was taken over by the U.S. Government on September 28th and the airstrip welcomed it's first commuter plane on October 7th, 2005. All 230 people on board were killed.
U.S. Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers walks a tough beat on Capitol Hill. She's one tough gorilla cookie with a heart of gold. Her job; kick ass and clean up this 'shits-burg' we call America. With the help of her assistants Lez Bo-Joe Dikemunch and 'Styleless' Jane Facestopaclock, this team is a force to be reconed with.
Don't try to use your charm with these ladies as you'll only be wasting your time with...The C.U.N.T. Squad!