Out of Office AutoReply:

I am out of the office as my Grandmother has gone downstream. As another one of my relations pass, they erode the bank upon which I stand. Sooner or later, I'm going in too. Be back soon.

Holy shit! Competant and smuggless picture of George Bush released to press

In this picture, George Bush looks like a man you could actually respect. It is almost like you could believe him when he'd say something like, "I was unaware of the pending sale of shipping operations at six major U.S. seaports to a state-owned business in the United Arab Emirates until the deal already had been approved by my administration." Unfortunately, this is merely a snapshot moments before he sneezed without covering his mouth. Seconds later, he was caught wiping his nose on his sleeve. Those photographs have been siezed under the rules of the Patriot Act, section 74, line 18; in the clause about displaying the President's nasal occupants, past and present. Never mind...he's back to looking looking >>Patriot Act exclusion; section 128, line 2; the President of the US will not be referred to as 'a retarded monkey on the shitter'<< again.

Of all my many colored days, today would definitely be considered 'olive'

Marwan Othman El-Hindi, 42, center, a U.S. citizen born in Jordan, is escorted by officials after being indicted by a federal grand jury on terrorism charges, Tuesday, Feb. 21, 2006, at the Federal Courthouse, in Toledo, Ohio. Marwan protested his arrest saying, "My only crime was smuggling in a truck load of explosives from Canada."* (AP Photo/Madalyn Ruggiero) * This joke sounds much better if you give him an accent when you read that line. If you can't envision this, print this post out and bring it down to your local 7-11 and have the teller read this aloud. Hilarity will undoubtably ensue.

Allow me to fill this for you...

Bush Blames Cuts at Energy Lab on Mix-Up By LIBBY O. DIXEY, Associated Press Writer 2 hours ago GOLDEN, Colo. - President Bush, on a three-state trip to promote his energy policy, said Tuesday that a budgeting mix-up was the reason 32 workers at one of the nation's premier renewable energy labs were laid off and then reinstated just before his visit. That and that it is a lot easier to blow shit up than it is to understand the science behind, what he referred to as 'energizm.' "My message to those who work here is we want you to know how important your work is, and that we appreciate what you're doing and we expect you to keep doing it, but we can fire you on a whim, braniacs. Where's your science now, poinblexler?"

Welcome to City 17

Welcome, welcome to City 17. You have chosen, or been chosen, to relocate to one of our finest remaining urban centers. I thought so much of City 17 that I elected to establish my administration here, in the citadel so thoughtfully provided by our benefactors. I have been proud to call City 17 my home. So whether you are here to stay, or passing through on your way to parts unkown, welcome to City 17, it is safer here. My friends, each of you is a single cell in the great body that is City 17. Today, that great body has purged itself of it's evolutionary challenged parasites. We have triumphed over the unprincipled dissemination of facts and independant thought. The thugs and wreckers of uniformity and peace have been cast out. The poisonous weeds of disinformation have been consigned to the dustbin of history. Let each and every cell rejoice! For today we celebrate the first, glorious anniversary of the Information Purification Directive! We have created, for the first time in all history, a garden of pure ideology, where each worker may bloom secure from the pests of contradictory and confusing truths. Our Unification of Thought is a more powerful weapon than any fleet or army on Earth! We are one people. With one will. One resolve. One cause. Our enemies shall talk themselves to death and we will bury them with their own confusion! We shall prevail! Welcome to City 17. It is safer here.

Don Knotts to be launched into space

In this photograph released by Space Adventures, American space tourist Don Knotts steps out of the Soyuz-TMA spacecraft capsule model in the Gagarin Vosmonaut Training Center in Star City near Moscow, in this July 7, 2005, file photo. Space Adventures, who has sent three space tourists into orbit including The Incredible Mr. Limpett, has partnered with venture capital firm Prodea in an agreement announced Thursday, Feb. 16, 2006, to develop rocket ships for suborbital flights. (AP Photo/Space Adventures, Dima Korotayev, File)

Dick Cheney begins growth of new head

In what can only be described as 'ewwww,' Dick Cheney began work on growing a new head atop his existing one. When asked how it was possible, White House Press Secretary, Scott McClellan answered, "Well, I'm not going to get into all the discussions or suggestions that I make about specific matters like that. I can only tell you that Mr. Cheney has powers that we, as lesser life forms, cannot comprehend." Since we in the media have only this photo as evidence of the new head, we can assume that this growth will serve as a repository for more evil thoughts that will plague the American public. Either that, or he plans to put his weed in there.

Local mental patients attribute 'crazy love' to their success at being freaks

Thailand's Scorpion Queen and Centipede King held their Valentine's Day's wedding Tuesday at a haunted house. Kanchana, 36, who set a world record in 2002 for spending 32 days in a glass cage with 3,400 scorpions, wedded 29-year-old Bunthawee who set a Thai record for enduring 28 days with 1,000 centipedes. Am I the first to pose this question; with so many options, why would Bunthawee settle for an older woman? Let's raise our glasses in a toast and silently pray that these two are sterile. (AP Photo/Sakchai Lalit)

Happy Valentine's Day, you bitch

Cheney addresses lawyer with 'Freedom Fire'

American hero, Dick Cheney, can now add another feather in his cap as he unloaded a barrel full of buckshot into a lawyers face. Is there nothing this man does that doesn't make us smile? When asked what the Vice President plans to do next, Cheney stated that he will help Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean repair a creaky floorboard at the top of Dean's staircase. "I would hate to see such an integral member of our opposing party tragically fall down the stairs before we could publically debate. He really needs to be more careful."

How humiliating...

"Oh my God! I think I just crapped my pants! Oh God, oh God, oh God this sucks! Just keep cool and act like nothing happened. Then get back to the creek and wash off." "What? No, I didn't smell anything. Why do you ask? It might just be some sewage from under the pipe. Yeah, sometimes that happens. Listen, lets just get this giant clamp off so we can get the hell out of here." "No, I don't think the smell is getting worse. Can't you just focus on this task and act a bit more mature. The back of my pants? No, I slipped in some oil before I got up here. Well, just because you didn't see me fall, doesn't mean it didn't happen. Can we just finish up, for fuck's sake?" "No! NO! Don't call anybody over, we can do this ourselves. Shut up! I slipped in something. Don't you guys have something to do? America is only losing out on millions of dollars in oil and you are talking like middle schoolers. "All right, so I shit my pants! What of it? I'm sorry that you have to laugh at my incontenance, but I can't help it. You guys are total dicks!" (AP Photo/Al Grillo, File)

Bush details foiled terror plot targeting L.A.

WASHINGTON -- Attempting to focus public attention away from the man behind the curtain, President Bush offered new details today about a foiled terrorist plot in 2002 to fly a hijacked airplane full of Leprechauns into the Unicorn Rainbow Sunshine Love Building on Planet Xanadu. In describing a plot involving shoe bombs and the 1979 starting lineup of The Harlem Globetrotters, the president apparently inadvertently referred to their suspected target as "an attack my huge stockpile of ill-gotten gold and oil." Bush then leaned back and lit up a cigar with a $10,000 bill saying, "Sept. 11, 2001, blah, blah, blah, and so on and so forth, yadda-yadda-yadda," ad nauseam.

Fire prevention tips for flag owners

Flags; we love what they show of our heritage, our pride, our blind allegiance. But flags aren't all for show and pomp. Flags are a big responsibility, and you need to respect that. Here are a few tips that will help keep your home, family and cloth garments flame-resistant, flame-retardant, and flame-lessly-flameless all year round. When purchasing a flag, choose material that won't easily ignite if it comes in contact with heat or flame or hate filled riot spawned from a comic strip. Sometimes even the meekest forms of satire can cause your flag to burst into flames. Avoid billowing or long trailing conversations about religion, politics, or soccer. Keep flags and other icons of your nationality well away from all open flames and heat sources, including light bulbs, heaters, and nut bags who will tell you that it is a treason against the Lord to have icons outside of 'His' image. Use flashlights as alternatives to candles or torches when parading and/or protesting with your flag. It is much more likely that you will recover from a beating with a maglite that you would from being burned over 80% of your body when you are wrapped up in your flag and set ablaze by people who don't share the same opinion as you. When presenting the flag at your residence, make sure you have a flagpole offset from your house to delay the inevitable house fire that will come when people in your neighborhood get wind of your patriotism. Remember to keep exits clear of flags, ensuring nothing blocks escape routes to your beloved freedom/cursed freedom (depending on what country you are from). Instruct children to stay away from flags that are different than yours and, if they do get to close, make sure they know how to stop, drop and roll in the event their clothing catches fire. (Stop immediately, drop to the ground, covering your face with your hands, and roll over and over to extinguish flames while screaming 'I am one of you, for the love of whatever God we believe in put me out!') Oh, and don't write on your flag. That's just downright disrespectful and fucking rude to boot!

Steelers fans protest Seattle Post Intelligencer cartoon

The protesters, chanting "Bus is Greatest" and "Starbucks, Microsoft, Nirvana, shame on you," smashed all the Seattle Post Intelligencer's windows with Iron City beer cans and then tried to hurl spuds from homemade potato cannons inside. Riot organizer, Joe Pozluzniski, spoke to the crowd, "Whilez Ize gets that yinz can complain an bitch abaht de officiatin,' youze guys has gots ta respect de Pittsburgh Stillers an at." Joe put the megaphone down for a moment to place his index finger upon his left nostril where he then blew a great train of mucous and resin out from his right nasal cavity. He then continued, "'Ere we goes Stillers, ere we go," as the group marched dahntahn to continue their protest where there were more chairs to sit down on, an at.

Nobody apparently "wins" anything anymore

I tried to be civil, but with my workmates being such Al Gore's about the Super Bowl loss for the Seattle Seahawks, I have no choice but to take the higher ground and say, "grow the fuck up and show some degree of sportmanship, you douchebags." This morning, I even went so far as to agree with some of the questionable calls made during the game (see previous blog entry). But after only a few short hours here, I've grown tired of the "way to cheat, asshole," and "how much did you pay those refs," coupled with the repeated officiating complaints made by people who became Seattle fans just two weeks ago. Let me explain some of the questionable calls against the Seahawks:
Look at where his feet are on the 'E' 1. Offensive pass interference: when two players are occupying the same spot, the receiver puts his hand on the defender and makes a pushing off motion, he's going to get flagged. It's easy to look back in slow motion and say you should let them play the game, but if Hope had fought back through that contact, HE would have been flagged. Personally, I thought this was a pretty tight call, and I probably would not have called it, but it also looked different to the back judge than it did to me in my living room. 2. Holding: Sorry, Madden, that was holding. Yes, the tackle had his hands on the inside of Clark Haggans. Unfortunately, the rest of him was BEHIND Clark Haggans. That's holding and you get flagged. Every. Single. Time. And the officiating wasn't terribly one-sided, either. There was a blatant block in the back on Roethlisberger that was ignored. If the block hadn't happened, Roethlisberger likely tackles Herndon at the 45 yard line. Flag the block, and Seattle's at their OWN 45 yard line. Instead they start inside the Steelers' 30, and they score their only touchdown. Let's not forget the fumble by Stevens that was ruled an incomplete pass. Stevens turned upfield and took three steps...but nobody makes mention of that. Because nobody remembers what went against the winner. Seattle had their chances to win. Both teams played like crap, which often happens in Super Bowls. The only difference is Pittsburgh made the big plays, where Seattle had to rely on long methodical drives to gain yardage (without using the league MVP, for some reason). While that's the formula for success in the regular season, it's the big plays that win the Super Bowl (which is why wide receivers are never regular season MVPs, but have taken the honor in the Super Bowl two years running). FYI: Remember what the Steelers did when a clear cut interception then fumble recovery was called back during the Colts game, a call that the NFL themselves said should not have over turned? They kept it up and won the game.

Mission statement

The mission of the National Federation of the Blind is to achieve widespread emotional acceptance and intellectual understanding that the real problem of blindness is not the loss of eyesight but the misconceptions and lack of information which exist. We do this by bringing blind people together to share successes, to support each other in times of failure, and to create imaginative solutions. Oh, and to officiate in the NFL...we do that too.

I will fucking kill you, cartoon!

Cartoon! Your disrepectful images bring great shame and tremendous anger! I just want to choke the shit out of you in the name of my prophet's name. Oh, you think I'm kidding? That this is some kind of fucking game? WRONG AGAIN, CARTOON! If you think that we as a people are going to settle down and focus on important things like our families or garnering some kind of education, then you have no idea how wrong you are doodle! God! I'm so fucking angry right now! Editor's note: You see, this is exactly what happens when you allow cartoons to run amok. Calvin and Hobbes is my favorite strip of all time, but when I drive up behind a truck that has Calvin peeing on something or praying to a cross, I just want to go ballistic and fucking burn down an embassy. Don't you? I mean, it's a natural human response to go completely batshit insane over something that offends you, right?

All this over a cartoon?

Palestinian Hamas supporters attend a rally against the publication of cartoons in European newspapers depicting the Prophet Mohammad, in front of the Palestinian parliament in Gaza City, Friday, Feb, 3, 2006. I would think that even Mohammad would have to say they wasting their energy and efforts fighting over every perceived injustice. "If it's not about me, my people are bitching about the last episode of Seinfeld not living up to expectation. I just want to say 'don't you have other problems to deal with that are more important than the Family Circus?' Grow the fuck up." (AP Photo/Adel Hana)

Life in Gobbler's Knob

Punxsutawney Phil, the weather predicting groundhog, is mortified by the fact that no one gets the joke about the name of their town. Phil's handler, and Gobbler Mayor, Bill Deeley said that he was proud of his position being head Knob Gobbler. He then asked us why we were laughing hysterically. (AP Photo/Keith Srakocic)

Is this seat taken?

While I am sure this bull was put down shortly after this event, I hope she was able to take out some of these fuck-o's in the crowd. I don't give a shit if you think human life is more important than any other form of life on this planet, but if you derive any sort of pleasure from watching an animal tortured and bled to death, you deserve to die by a pair of horns up your rectum. Fuck you, Mexico! (AP Photo/Pedro Mera/El Universal)