Daddy? What's a 'Gagorshun?'

"As an American white male, age 18-35, I've had several abortions in my lifetime. Having gone through the chuckle-fest that is the abortive experience, I am perfectly qualified to stand on my moral platform and protest against the abortion that is abortion." My question to these people is; don't you have kids of your own somewhere that would welcome the energy and attention you are currently focusing on an issue that has no impact on you? I am often confused by parents that think their lofty soapbox and gia-normous bibles will be enough to teach your kids right and wrong. I've got a few words of advice for these people; put your signs face down on the ground, get a box of crayons and sit down with your kids and draw with them. Perhaps if these parents spent more time working, teaching and listening to their kids they wouldn't be getting seeds put in them at age 12. Oh, and isn't today a work day? Getting a job would help too. Editor's side note: The third guy from the left is gay, the fourth one from the left is there to get laid, and the guy on the far right totally beats the shit out of his wife/girlfriends. (AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta)

I'm not going to make it into work today...yeah...

I'm going to be eating my family over the next couple of days...yeah. (AP Photo/Joe Kafka)

Where has all the flour gone?

Mary Travers of Peter, Paul & Manatee, is shown outside her tank cleaning at the local aquarium where she gave her first interview out of water since August, 5, 2003. Mary, who, tragically, used to be quite thin and cute, will perform in a holiday concert Dec. 9, 2005, in Manhattan's Carnegie Hall. The show will is planned to have several intermissions to allow handlers to feed Mary her many buckets of krill, tripe and plankton. (AP Photo/Ron Edmonds)

US Government begins new '4 child left behind' program

Assistant Superintendent Darryl Kilbert, left, leads a group of students out of Benjamin Franklin Elementary school in New Orleans, La., Monday, Nov. 28, 2005 which was the first step in launching George Bush's '4 Child Left Behind' program. The elementary school was the first public school to dismiss 4 children and the start of a much more reasonable, and more believable, government program than the 'No Child Left Behind' initiative that started a few years back. President Bush praised the new program saying, "To say that no child would be left behind was a little pre-umptuous. I mean, our classrooms have about 40-45 childs in them already. To thinks that none of them would be left out, or left up, or behind was a careless 'sumption.' Bush continued, 'Each classroom will take four racially challenged children; black, hispanic, chinee, or french and have them stand in front of the school selling pencils to raise money for the other kids. It's a win/win for everybodies.'(AP Photo/Chuck Burton)

This ain't Your Grand Daddy's Black Sabbath....

Oh wait...it is. Yeah, this IS your grand daddy's Black Sabbath

Scared Straight

Stanley Tookie Williams, Crips co-founder and convicted murderer, poses in an undated file photo (AP Photo/Courtesty of Williams Family, File), in the exercise yard at San Quentin, Calif. Prison. He looks like a such a nice boy. The reason I show this photo is because on Friday Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said that he would consider granting clemency to this Stan the Man (killing machine). Now, I'm not a genious, but I sure hope 'clemency' means 'the chair' and not some silly way of saying 'you're free to go back to killing people on the streets again.' Let me just check my dictionary to find out that word means... Oh...oh shit.

In a recent study...

Iranian scientists have discovered that Israeli flags burn significantly faster than U.S. flags during a demonstration in front of one of Iran's newest hotel complex (erected in 1968). The demonstration came a week after Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called for Israel's eradication, saying the country should have been "wiped off the map by us, if only we had a technology that was greater than fire." (AP Photo/Vahid Salemi) Editor's note: Iranian protests involve strikingly few braless hippies. As an American, I have to question, 'why protest if there is no possibility of smoking pot or getting laid?' These foreign savages have so much to learn from us, if only they would take a break from their grunting, volcano worshiping and cave painting to listen to reason...sigh.

Why does Rainbow Six Lockdown suck so much?

If the Xbox Rainbow Six community didn't fall apart after the price dropped to $4.99 and every racist in the universe picked up this title to espouse their feelings on what 'N's' should do with their '50-calibur bananas,' then Ubi Soft is to blame for destroying whatever chance they had to bring civility back to this game of head shots and tea bagging. Ding Chavez; deadly covert operative and H&R Block's (store #137115) October 2005 Employee of the Month. Way to go, Ding! First, Ubi made sure to 'dumb this game up good' by eliminating any ability to communicate via a re-done command interface. Not stopping with that, they replaced the RS3 'inadvertently competent' squad AI with three idiots who have to have bus passes attached to their uniforms so they won't get lost. It doesn't make a difference because even if one of your men walked up to an enemy and put the barrel of the gun in his mouth, the enemy wouldn't even react to it. It gets better during the fire fights when 8 million bullets will fly haphazardly out of your squad's arsenal with A-Team like results. Continuing down the spiral, graphically this game looks worse than the previous titles. In order to see anything, you must have your night vision on at all times as all environments are dark, bland, and brownish-blackgrey. Strangely, since I couldn't find a bright screenshot, I had to try to replicate the scenes from the game using low-budget movie actors. If people were outraged over the 50-caliber imbalance during deathmatches in Rainbow Six three and the 8 month delay that plagued this title, Ubi has guaranteed a complete dismissal of this series by their core fan base with an abortion like this. You are narrowing the gap with EA for who destroys more game franchises by squeezing as many SKU's as possible in the shortest amount of time, Ubi. Oh, which reminds me, we will be reviewing the newest Prince of Persia game of the week next Tuesday. Don't miss it!

What kind of balls you got?

This crime stoppers billboard offering a cash reward for information on wanted suspect Michael A. Mitchell is shown, Thursday, Nov. 10, 2005, on I-75 in Cincinnati. The only issue is that this photo is actual size. Michael A. Mitchell, also known by his rapper name, 'Biggie-Talls Funk Murderiffic,'is 59 feet tall and hasn't had a hit record in 18 months so he's pretty pissed off. (AP Photo/Al Behrman)

Elton John stains intern's jacket

Singer Elton John, left, arrives for the 61st Annual Golden Globe Awards with his intern in tow, in Beverly Hills, Calif. John says it was a gauche gesture for his intern to continue wearing the trenchcoat after it was so recently painted. "What are you going to do," said John, "but I think it's going to be a long, long time before we play 'Rocket Man' before a big event again." (AP Photo/Kevork Djansezian, FILE)

For Thanksgiving, I think we may want to go to Richmond instead...

In another case of 'way to fuck it up for everyone, asshole,' a tanker truck carrying 8,700 gallons of gasoline burns after exploding on one of the busiest travel days of the year. Can you imagine being the people in the car behind this douche when it happened. The conversation in that car undoubtably was: "GREAT! Just fucking fantastic! Y'know if we could have got out of the house 10 minutes earlier we would have missed all this! But nooooo! You had to curl your hair and check your stupid email before we left. Why did you have to curl your hair? It's fucking 4:30 in the morning! Look at me. I'm in sweatpants and my good Redskins jersey. Jezus! We live in Gaithersburg for crissakes, what could you be getting in your inbox that is so God damned important? Mary Kay orders? They'll be there when we got back tomorrow! Damnit! Now I'm on fire too. When this holiday is over, we are seriously going to have a sit down to talk about how long it takes you to get ready before we go. FUCK!" (AP Photo/Peter Matthews)

The Xbox 360 diet

If you are saving food stamps to get yourself an Xbox 360, you have got your priorities all wrong! It's not worth starving to death to play Project Gotham on day one.

Good team bests average team in football match

Horseshoe helmeted quarterback threw three 6 point goal throws on Sunday, setting up a 45-37 victory over the awe-struck team with orange helmets with the black stripes. ``He's unbelievable,'' said one teams player about another player on the opposite team. ``They're unbelievable.'' When you don't care about sports, this is exactly what this stuff sounds like. Fortuneately for me, I like sports and watching the Colts beat the Bengals is great news for us Steelers fans. Seeing that we can't seem to beat the hapless 2-7 Ravens on the road to save our fucking lives.

Bush releases demon dog into press core

President Bush holds his demon dog, Barney, moments before releasing him into a crowd of reporters after stepping off Air Force One in Waco, Texas. No one survived the gore-filled incident. Bush is now looking forward to spending a quiet Thanksgiving weekend at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

Um....we really don't know what we're doing.

Italian rescue workers put on a demonstration in Florence, Italy, on what they would have done differently today to save Jesus Christ from his plight on the crucifix. "We first would-a got dis-a ladder," said Rescue Chief, Alstinka Fabrizio. "Den we would-a have to go and get a big-a one." (AP Photo/Giovannozzi)

Let me get this straight; I won't be having sex with YOU, right?

A model of Fleissasaurus crystalis sits in front of the Comedy Central logo at the Sony Studios Museum of Natural History, Tuesday, Nov. 15, 2005, in Culver City, California. The prehistoric lizard, in front, is being described as an important link in the evolution of Humparies (aka bordellos) in Hollywood, CA. (AP Photo/Paul Skipper, File)

A wake for my dead-whore of a wife

Man carries dead wife's uterus around as a symbol of her infidelity. I could 'word' this entry up a bit more, but I'm lazy and just cared about the punchline anyway.

You think your parents sucked?

Tasha Henderson, right, and her daughter, Coretha, left, pose for a photo outside their home in Edmond, Okla., Friday, Nov. 11, 2005, with the sign Coretha was forced to hold for an hour at a busy intersection so that passing motorists could read it. The 14-year-old freshman already has been forced by her parents to give up basketball and track because of slipping grades, and said she hopes to improve in school so she can play next year. FYI; the cutout section at the bottom of the sign read 'My mother is a total cunt.'(AP Photo)

Hated!

Apparently, I've rubbed someone the wrong way. This was not my intention in the slightest. But if you want to start slapping me around with your church signs, perhaps you need a refresher from Cap'n Eiz-zen-stien: pwn3d!

Dr. Dog is at it again

Bartholemu Hampton, also known as Dr. Dog, in his first public speech in more than a year, says the medical, religious, journalistic and legal communities won't stop him. "Pass any law you want, I don't care," said the 72-pound speckled Australian Shepherd. Dr. Dog, who has helped 33 people die since 1990, also denies claims that the last patient he aided wasn't really sick claiming that [the patient's] nose was totally bone dry and that he wasn't eating any of the dog food that was being served. The loveable scamp continued, "He wanted to die, you could see it in the way he would listfully throw the frisbee to me. It's sad to put a human down, but now I must excuse myself to lick my privates sterile."

Did you hear the one about you?

Well, ya see, it goes somethin' like this. So while you were out on day, one of the boys from your parish asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a blow job." Decon says, "You have sinned." Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what you would usually give for a blow job. The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars." Heh heh heh. Why ain't you laughin? That's a funny joke, so lighten up.

And the Presidential Physical Fitness Award goes to...

um...let's say we just cancel that program altogether, ok?

I've got a million of 'em! Well...maybe just 3.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? The Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery. Oh, come on! You should get that one, it's about how your wives are fake and materialistic. Alright, how about this then; why are Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off! What? That's a great joke! You need to be a little less serious and learn to take a joke once in a while. Last one, and then I'll pass the mic to our M.C. Cheapass over here; why does a married J.A.P. close her eyes whilst she’s making love? Because she can’t stand to see her husband enjoying himself! G'night everybody! Vie do dey alvays hav ta put me next ta da ones dat bomb? Oi!

Let me tell YOU something, douchebag!

Do you think you can talk to me, The Rafael Palmeiro, like that? Well, who do you think you are, Judgey McFuck Face? When I say I didn't use steroids, I meant it! End of story! Now you're tellin' me because I've failed a test, you have proof that I have used steroids? So what? I'm a fucking Major League Baseball player; I've failed lots of tests! That doesn't prove anything, fool! And what's with all this 'perjury' bullshit? What kind of pussy judgement is that, you pussy? Can't get me on a real charge, dink? Just bang your gavel and say 'Not Guilty' so I can go back to making millions hitting balls in tight pants for the public's amusment. (AP Photo/Gerald Herbert, Files)

Script

I've finally begun this project and hope to be complete by the end of this year. As you can imagine, with only 40 days of work, it's not going to be Citizen Kane, but it will finish up the year for me in terms of creativity. Wow, that may be my first 'Blog' in this entire blog. How gay.

Ye Olde Resume of Cap'n e'Bay McFaggotron III

COVER LETTER: Avast and Yo-Ho prospective employers! Me eBay business at sea rests in Davey Jones' locker and now I'ze lookin' for honest land lubber work t' quell t' hunger pains in me belly. Arrrr, I ain't ate nothin' but barnicles for weeks and with me bein' all barnicle intollerant, me crew be about t' keel haul me t' me own yard arm! Sincerely, Cap'n eBay McFaggotron III RESUME: Objective: As t' old pirate motto goes, "No prey, no pay!" In other words, by outsourcin' me marketin' arm, I wish t' be ensurin' that all marketin' expenses be clearly connected t' profits. Oh, and a little rape and pillage action wouldn't hurt, ya-harr. Experience: Software Pirate The Pirates Cove, San Mateo, CA Responsibilities: - Rape, plunder and steal software - Brag about me booty over a mug o' ale on t' chatboards o' World o' Warcraft - Transport code t' BitTorrent Island! Reason for leaving: A pirate be never in one harbor for long. Also, I was caught chokin' t' bilge rat too many times in t' Pirate washroom. Yar. ----- Pirate of the Carribean #257 (scene deleted) Disney Studios, Hollywood, CA Responsibilities: - Wear Pirate clothin' while millin' about sayin' 'Arrrr' - Stay away from Mr. Johnny Depp while he takes his 'crazy sleep' - Brag about bein' Mr. Johnny Depp's 'cabin lad' on t' chatboards o' Everquest Reason for leaving: T' siren's call from t' briney deep, I could resist no more. Constantly tryin' t' sneak into bed with Mr. Johnny Depp while he took his 'crazy sleep.' ----- Pirates "CannonBall" Waterslide Experience - Ticket Collector (summer 2001) Land of Make Believe off of Route 31, Great Meadows, NJ Responsibilities: - Brag about someday bein' a 'real pirate' on t' chatboards o' Ultima Online - Take tickets for six PounderBall slide - Doubled productivity by becomin' a part-time breast inspector and cockswain Reason for leaving: T' waterslide experience be a cruel mistress, plus I was caught propositionin' a 13 year old lass. In me defense, a thirteen year old lass with wet hair looks strikin'ly like an 8 year old lad. It's a mistake anyone could make. Education T' Davy's Grip o' t' Deep Blue herself Community College of Allegheny County References Powder Monkey Picaroon pmp@gmail.com Jack Tar Freebooter jtfreeboot@hotmail.com Holystone 'Hempen Halter' Salmagundi blowmedown@gaypirateforhire.net

I think this guy is hitting on me

A bleeding Vitali Klitschko, right, faces champion Lennox Lewis in the first 30 seconds of the first round of their WBC/IBO heavyweight championship bout. Lewis won the fight by TKO after the sixth round when a vulture landed on Vitali's shoulder and began to peck away at the remains of his eye socket. Vitali Klitschko retired because of injury and now plans to spend retirement stopping clocks with his face. Wednesday, Nov. 9, 2005. (AP Photo/Laura Rauch)

Eureka!

In a Veterans Day speech, Bush offered a forceful solution of the war in Iraq, saying 'I am the central front in the war on terror.' He also went on to say, 'I underestimated the stupidity of the American public. I mean, who would have thought you would buy all that shit about extremists trying to establish a radical Muslim empires extending from Spain to Indonesia? You idiots deserve me!" In other news, Arrested Development was cancelled, again, to make room for vaccuous shows like, 'Jim Bastille: Shark Humper' and 'Extreme Pelvic Breaking Stunts XI' and lets not forget 'CSI: Fart Squad.' (AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)

Your total will be $4752.60. Drive around to the first window, please.

We are The Global Obesity Institute; working to make gargantuan women a thing of the past. Obesity is one of today’s most blatantly visible – yet most neglected – public health problems. We tend to poke at the people affected with this disorder with jokes like 'her mailbox says Home of the Whopper' or 'she eats Wheat Thicks.' This makes us feel better, but really doesn't help fix the problem of obesity, or why this woman's nickname undoubtedly is "DAMN!" There is an escalating global epidemic of overweight and obesity – “globesity” – is taking over many parts of the world. If immediate action is not taken, millions of sexually active people will have to roll over twice to get off people like this. We must also take into consideration the cost of the train and two buses it takes just to get on the bitches good side. Obesity is a complex condition, one with serious social and psychological dimensions, that affects virtually all socioeconomic groups. Many of these obese live in low income housing and don’t have a driveway in which iron their pants. Imagine waking up in sections every morning and then taking a half an hour to put on your BVD's until they are stretched out so much that they spell 'Boulevard.' Sometimes these people are so distraught that they can't even look at the scale when it says 'to be continued.' In 1995, there were an estimated 200 million obese adults worldwide who could go to the movies and sat next to everyone. Generally, although men may have higher rates of overweight, women have higher rates of obesity related depression. For obese women; when they do fall in love they tend to break it which can have devastating psychological repercussions. Its health consequences range from increased risk of premature death to serious chronic conditions that reduce the overall quality of life. Including becoming the next Miss Arizona - class Battleship.

Terrell Owens says he's sorry for being such a dick...

TOO LATE, FOOL! Philadelphia Eagles Terrell Owens with his agent Drew Rosenhaus at his side reads a statement to anyone left that will listen outside his Moorestown, N.J. home Tuesday, Nov. 8, 2005. Owens, hoping to overturn his dismissal from the Eagles, apologized to coach Andy Reid, quarterback Donovan McNabb, the team's owner and president, and fans. Unfortunately, the team was too busy losing games to pay attention. (AP Photo/Rusty Kennedy)

The French can make anything look gay

Firefighters team up to put out a fire using their giant hose at La Maison des Garçons, near northern France, early Tuesday Nov.8, 2005. In America, our fireMEN would have had this blaze quelched after a few moments, but President Jacques Chirac's passed the now regrettable 'Le Feu de la Passion' measure in 2002 which mandated all French-born fires should be given time to play hard to get until it's passion was in full force. (AP Photo)

President Bush, you know he come to get down

President Bush was jammin' with Brazil's President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, during a joint news conference, at the "Ganja do Torto", in Brasilia, Sunday, Nov. 6, 2005. President Bush's mission was not to put down, but more to put hs foot down because he had got the flow where he grabbed his dick and said, "Oh My God, That's The Funky Shit." The President then passed the mic to Ad Rock cause M.C.A. was in a Panic but not before he gave a little shout out to [his] "Dad and Mom for bringing me into this world and so on." (AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)

Salim's success story

Salim Ahmed Hamdan is seen in this comparison photo which shows his weight just a few years ago (left) and how he looks today (right) thanks to his Guantanamo Bay diet. Hamdan said that he had tried everything, including Osama's 'War Crimes to Wellness' progam. "I was really depressed that I just couldn't keep the weight off," said Salim. "That was, until I struck weight-loss gold by being thrown into prison. It really works!"

Just give me one God damned excuse...

U.S. President Bush speaks during a joint press statement in Panama City on Monday, Nov. 7, 2005. Tired of the hostile world view of the U.S., Bush retailiated by pulling out a giant red button and saying, 'If you think I'm considered a blemish on history now, just keep it up! If y'all's not careful, I can turn in to one holy, mother-fucking gash on humanity.'(AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)

Excuse me sir, where do I park my Prius?

Texas gubenatorial candidate Kinky Friedman, right, is joined by Jessie Ventura at Wille Nelson's ranch outside Austin, Texas in this Oct. 30, 2005 meeting of 'People You Don't Want to Fuck Around With,' sponsored by Jim Beam and Uncle Back Breaker's X-Tra Strong Billiard Cues. I don't know if I like, or dislike, the Kinky/Jessie ticket, but I can only imagine watching the bar fight that would ensue if someone entered this place and said that cowboys were faggots or that women had rights to anything. (AP Photo/Jack Plunkett-File)

Further proof that George Bush hates black people...

AUDIO FILE: First it was the hurricanes, now a ban on Chicken? What's next? Offing Rosa Parks?
Oh...my...God...

Your knees are fragile, protect them...

Knees are fragile joints that can turn on you in a moment. So don’t take them for granted. The knees aren't built to withstand the impact, pressures, and torque that humans tend to apply to them. Our whole body is supported and propelled by a thigh bone sort of balanced on top of the lower leg bones, all of which is held in place by a few muscles, tendons and ligaments. When you are a girlish soccer poof like Ricardo Oliveira, from Brazil, one blade of grass out of place can have you crumpling to the ground completely ruining your soccer dress. That stain will never come out which is something he will really be crying about later that evening. (AP Photo/Bernat Armangue) Knees are in fact the most frequently injured part of our bodies. Even layers of padding and a sheet of ice beneath you can't stop the pain or swelling that can occur for when you suck like Detroit Red Wings goalie Manny "The Big Pussy" Legace. He we see him laying on the ice during the first period in Detroit, Tuesday, Nov. 1, 2005. Legace left the ice under his own power and was given a wowwy-pop until his mommy could come down from the stands and give him a kiss and a Spongebob Squarepants band-aid to apply to his boo-boo. You've earned your nickname well, sir! (AP Photo/Paul Sancya) Overuse injuries or strains sneak up on unwitting victims who do too much, too soon, too often, or just repeat the same activity too many times. Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger grimaces on the bench after running for so many yards and scoring countless touchdowns but was able to play through the game as gallons of life's rich fluid stained the field beneath him. Roethlisberger didn't miss one quarter of football after his knee was stapled back together on the sidelines. Football is not for the weak, just ask legendary homosexual Brian "the Boz" Bozworth. (AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar) Well, I hope we cleared something up about the fragility of the human frame and how only big babies grab at their broken extremeties when the TV camera's are upon them. Even with the breadth of knee research coming down the pipeline, these joints will continue to explode into fragments like poorly mixed cement. It's how we show the pain which will be remembered in the annals of history. I mean, look at this baby pictured above. I bet he cried so much when his tibia snapped that members of his tribe just chose to bury him in his shame.

Actor Nicolas Cage, left, and director Oliver Stone are having a real 'blast' on the movie set of Stone's film about 9/11, in New York, Sunday, Oct. 30, 2005. Cage plays a Port Authority police officer who just can't seem to stop laughing over the human tradgedy that is terrorism. Oliver Stone assured the families of the 9/11 bombings that '"there going to be love scenes and explodies throughout." Stone continued, "one thing is for certain, we are in the business of entertainment, not reverence, so expect to have a great time and a few laughs in your local theater next summer with my new film; 'Oliver Stone's: 9/11/2000 and fun'" (AP Photo/John Marshall Mantel)

We call him 'Tiny K.'

Samsung Electronics Co. Chief Executive Officer Yun Jong-yong speaks from inside his Habitrail about his ambitious set of goals for the company. He spoke of stronger scented cedar chips and a water bottle that is constantly being refilled with cool clean water. Shortly after this photo was taken Jong-yong walked into the tinest, and cutest, little excercise wheel and ran around for what seemed like hours. (AP Photo/Lee Jin-man)