There is a magic in a painter’s ability to portray the world around us, the strengths and frailties of a human animal and the magnificence of nature. It is made all the more magical when a painter with only a walnut-sized brain incorporates bits of regurgitated food and their own excrement to create works of brilliance. This is a story of these great modern painters.
Animal artists are products of their own societies, each with a special set of historical, intellectual and cultural influences. Thus, it is hard to understand the complexity of Mr. Asuka's 'Souless Tire Swing' without placing it in the context of its time. It is interesting to note that despite their talents and great works of art, many great artists worked for peanuts, bananas, or the filament of hope that one day they would be released to freedom and their own kind once more. But with the demands and pressures of the world wide art community, the chance of ever seeing a life outside their man made prison was only a fantasy.
One of the great modern animal painters was the Spanish horse, Diego 'Wildfire' Velasquez (1972-1980). Like most other famous animal artists he sought the patronage of his owner, Buck Smith Jr of Buck Smith and Son's Chewing Tobacco. Wildfire's portraits of Buck and other family cousins/wives show a great amount of detail and angst. Ultimately, the novelty of a horse that could paint red lines on a piece of canvas board can only pay the bills for so long. Buck wound up selling Diego to the glue factory/dog food company owned by his wife/sister, Daisydaria.
Many know of the elephant named Dumbo, but not many have heard of the Indian Elephant name Marushamassa Mohamed Andyo'sista Jo (1994-2001) who was responsible for the unforgettable 'Huge Pile of Steaming Shit #7' and 'Elephants: We Stink On Ice.' It is the quality that distinguishes this great animal painter from the other struggling mammal artists. From all who have seen the works of 'Jo,' it is impossible to miss the very tenderness of how she portrays the subject in her work. Unfortunately, Marushamassa Jo went absolutely apeshit one day and had to be taken down with 6 shotgun blasts to the cranium. Many believe that it had to do with years of drinking linseed oil and varnish that finally did her in, but we think it was the madness of artistry coupled with the gaping shotgun wounds.
I consistently find it fascinating how these animal artist continue to innovate and addapt to new techniques. The passage of time and changes in social values has also deeply influenced these barnyard Botticelli's. The greatest example of this transformation is from Cap'n Uncle Sam Goat's (1995-) Expressions of Explosion's collection currently being shown at Galleria dell' Accademia in Italy. US Goat's talents lie in his ability to eat large quantities of paint and anally express the contents of his vision across a carefully placed sheet of particle board. His exploits and attention to detail has allowed him to take the art community by storm. His latest piece, 'Count Blamenstien,' named for his owner, Tennessee goat farmer, Count Blamenstien III, is a testament to his creative talents. "With him shittin' out art like it's goin' outta style," said Blamenstien, "Ize figured that I'd stop fuckin' his sister outsa respect, an all."
The works of these artists highlights another enormous change in the world of animal paintistry. Where Prince Salvador the Dog's portrayal of Christ licking a bone might once have been considered blasphemy, it is now considered a legitimate work of art. With up and coming artists like Super Sugar Bear Browntown and Shelix the Transexual Lioness, the animal artworld could be turned on its ear, flipped on its back, and violated with fantasy and imagination like never before.
You can totally see it on his face. The sinister squint and toothy smile of a murderer. We've seen it with Scott Peterson and Mark Hacking and now with this guy. Holy shit, I can't even stand to look at his mug for one second more. It makes me sick to see a girl like Jennifer Wilbanks, with those Bambi-big eyes, trusting smile, and pleasant demeanor untimely ripped from this earth by a monster such as this.
Oh my GOD! Look at that fakerous murderer hugging the mother of the woman he smothered, stabbed, choked and shot to death just a few days ago. Where is the justice! Why can't the mother see through his paper thin facade of innocence! He is a horrible beast of a man who needs to be arrested and put on trial so we can find him guilty and hang him. Eye for an eye, life for a life.
IS HE SMILING! OMG!!! It looks as if he is telling his jerk friends how he acutally killed his fiancee. What a bastard! Undoubtably he is telling his friends that now that he shot her in the head, execution style, and cut her into small pieces, wrapped her in cyclone fencing and dumped her body where no one will find her, he will now have more time to go to Packer games. WHAT A TOTAL DICK! WHY HAVEN'T WE KILLED HIM YET!
Look at all of these exceptional police officers who know the greusome truth to this grisly murder. They know it's just a matter of time before they're going to have themselves another Rodney King-style beating - times 1000. I hope they beat this son of a bitch to within an inch of his life and then fry the bastard! Go get 'em boys!
What's this?!? Is this a speakeasy of other cadavers from John Mason's past? It just seems to get worse and worse for this guy. I bet they find that he is part of some cult that feeds off of human hearts and chants passages to the Devil so that the Packers can win on Sundays. This guy is just that nuts! I wouldn't put it past him! I want to kill him myself!
I be back with more on this story as it breaks. But, seriously, we all want this guy dead. Am I right?
...if the press, police, and media can only seem to find this one picture of her? We've got 8 billion shots of Brad Pitt and Paris Hilton, but only one picture of this missing person. Perhaps if she were just a bit more photogenic...?
While I may not be long for stand up comedy, I know that this time in my life will be remembered fondly as 'the days in which I grew some balls and finally did something I said I would do years ago.' This will also be the name of my steamy autobiography.
Oh, and for the 250+ new visitors today, thanks for coming and stay tuned for more whack-a-doo shit soon (later today, I promise).
Wednesday, April 27, 2005 Posted: 5:43 PM EDT
By JOSEF ARSON, Associated Press Writer
UPDATED 3 HOURS - 5 MINUTES AGO
WASHINGTON - President Bush, facing economic and political damage from soaring gas prices, unveiled to the world his destructive energy vision at a press conference this afternoon.
Members of the press burst into flaming bags of plasma as the President continued to speak about his proposals to speed construction of nuclear power plants and oil refineries and boost sales of energy-efficient vehicles.
Oblivious to his wake of pyrotechnic destruction, Bush lamented that he was powerless to cut gas prices. "I wish I could," he said. "If I could, I would." Moments later, the President fixed his gaze on the television cameras which abruptly ended the transmission of his speech. The world is left to ponder exactly what took place and how the leader of the free world came to inherit such devastatingly powerful abilities.
"This problem did not develop overnight and it's not going to be fixed overnight. But it's now time to fix it," said Chief White House spokesperson, Jessie ‘Blast’ DeAngelo. “When [President] Bush gets worked up like this, he has the ability to melt lead and carve through solid objects like butter.”
This outburst begins to piece together a plague of arsons and spontaneous human combustion police reports that have surrounded the President. During the 2004 presidential race, Bush's campaign headquarters was engulfed in flames after religious groups questioned the claims that Bush was actually talking to God. “It took two days just to get the blaze under control,” said Fire Chief Angie DeJessalo. “We haven’t seen fires like this since the 9/11.”
The unveiling of this new parking system was the culmination of nine years of research at Paunchy-Buxom Medical School and an internal investment of $7.5 million to fund that research. “We realized that our parking spaces were too small for our patrons to exit out of their cars comfortably,” said McDonald’s spokesperson, Stubby Thickset. “This is an answer to a solution and a gianormous step forward for our business.”
According to Associate Professor Scraggy Lankypune, M.D. of the clinic of chronic obesity talked about the benefits of the enhanced space by saying, “No longer will customers have to run at the open door of their PT Cruiser, head lowered, to simply hurl themselves into their cars. By increasing the space, you give these larger people, or as we call them at the University, ‘Biggy-McFatenstien's,’ more time to get into their vehicles. “Lowering the stress of getting into their vehicles could reduce the amount of neurotic overeating which causes the patrons to immediately visit the drive thru after getting into their cars.”
It was, quite simply, the greatest clutch sequence in Papal basketball history. Trailing Orthodox 86-83 with 41.9 seconds left, the Holy See was in danger of facing a Game 7 on the road with Innocent XIV severely limited by back pain. Then Benedict XVI delivered. First, XVI hit a driving layup to cut the lead to one. Then he stripped Blessed Justin Popovich from behind in the post, and calmly dribbled upcourt. After a stutter-step and a crossover dribble, Benedict XVI launched a Pope-title-winning 20-foot jumper over a fallen St. Nikodemos of the Holy Mountain. 45 points, 6 Finals MVPs, 6 championships, one hell of a game!
The slavery side (tails) of the coin was in reference to the millions of blacks that were 'owned' by whites back in the 1800's. A practice that is still alive in several parts of the South to this day.
Our next vintage work of coin-occular art comes in the form of The Great Emancipator. On the evening of April 14, 1865, while attending a special performance of the comedy, "Our American Cousin," President Abraham Lincoln was debrained. The crime was committed by a political activist and convicted druggaport, John Wilkes Booth who was immediately hung, shot, bled, re-hung, sodomized, drawn-and-quartered, and ground down into a fine paste before being hung by the neck until dead. His last words, ‘He’s not MY president’ have been captured and printed on this coin’s face.
The back side of this coin features the ad from Harper's Weekly, May 13, 1865 which held auction Lincoln’s chair. The auction closed and the chair was sold for 13 bales of the finest, slaved-picked cotton the south could provide (roughly $.78).
We move forward to 1963 where a young communist named Oswald was trying to find his place in this crazy place called 'free America'. What sort of person was he? Did he really have "Top Secret" security clearance? Did he shoot at General Walker? Were there two Oswalds? If Oswald shot Kennedy, what was his motive? Was the man exhumed in 1981 really somebody besides Oswald? Wow! You seem to have more questions than we have answers, so we dedicated the front side of the coin to ‘The Man Who Would be Killed*’
*During a prison transfer by the owner of a strip club.
The reverse side of the coin features the end of America’s love affair with innocence and the beginning of our country’s life as ‘citizen orphans.’
Seeing that all neglected, orphaned kids like to pick fights, we thought the focus of our last coin should be on the Tet Offensive where communist forces launched attacks on 32 South Vietnamese provincial capitals and military bases. In response, US launched an all out attack against unarmed Vietnamese civilians. U.S. Army Lt. William L. Calley Jr.’s was quoted as saying “You wanna fuck with us some more, or have you learned your lesson?”
The back side of this coin is dedicated to the first US soldier who came across his buddy’s head on a pike. Oh the humanity.
We hope you enjoy and treasure this collection as much as we hope you have enjoyed our past efforts like: Remembering 9-11 wine glasses and the Death of Reagan Collectable Dishware set. Our team of artisans and craftsmen are working hard to get our coveted 'Abominable Tribute to the Pope' Mug Set and our exclusive 'Schiavo Silverware and Thimble' package due out by this summer. It's a great time to be a collector.
Haven't started collecting? Well, start up your collection of something today!
Good gracious and ye Gods! I meant to post this on Friday afternoon, but it took two hours to pack the dog and baby show into one vehicle. I'll be full of pith and vinegar when I return Sunday night.
By DAVE GOLDBERG, AP Football Writer 
A four-hundred-count indictment returned by a New York City grand jury alleges the men, all Brooklyn citizens, visited and conducted a series of terrorist attacks on local businesses and surrounding neighborhoods between August 1930 and April 1974. Ex-mayor Rudolph Giuliani stated, "These attacks covered all professions and spanned every economic class. Rich or poor, doctor or plumber, fireman or door-to-door sales person; these three would attack and dismantle each of these operations, leaving ruins for their victims."
Their latest plot was foiled when Prof. J.O. Dunkfeather dropped his pants off for dry cleaning two weeks ago. When he came back to claim his merchandise, he found one of the terrorists wedged in a pants pressing machine with iron marks on his forehead and rectal area. Another of the suspected was rubbing a pair of pants with shoe polish while Moe, the leader of the group ripped large chunks of hair out of his [Larry’s] head. Bronx authorities were alerted and arrested the three men on terrorism-related charges, Deputy Attorney General James B. Comey said.
The grand jury returned the indictment on March 23 but it was unsealed only Tuesday. Named in it are Mohomed Howard (Moe), 113, Nadeem (Larry) Tarmohammed, 116, and Qaisar 'Curly' Shaffi, 121. They could receive life sentences if convicted of the most serious charge, conspiracy to use weapons of mass destruction in the United States. The indictment lists those weapons as improvised explosive devices using gas stations and bombs hidden in cream filled pies.
U.S. officials claim the group has cycled other terrorists through its organization over the years including Shemp Barot, a senior al-Qaida figure, and Abu 'Joe', Eisa al-Curly-Joe DeRita.
Prosecutors in the courtroom accused the three of terrorist activity. When asked by the court bailiff, "Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?" Curly remained silent. When asked why he wouldn't answer, Curly stated, "He's talkin' pig latin! I don't know what he's sayin'!" When the bailiff restated the question, "He's asking you if you swear...," Curly uttered the indignant response, "No! But I know all the woids!"
The court broke down when, without council, Moe shoved Curly's head into a letterpress during his testimony. Moe then held a baton and played a mouth harmonica, which Curly made him accidentally swallow when he said, "That was sure HOT Moe!" and slapped him on the back.
"They are indicted here and whether or not they actually ever are extradited here I guess is a matter of discussion," said New York Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly. "But I think it's important, both substantively and symbolically important, that you come here, you do these type of shenanegans, we're not going to forget. No matter how much you say 'woop woop woop'"
White House spokesman Scott McClellan, speaking to reporters aboard Air Force One as President Bush returned to Washington from his ranch in Texas, called the indictments "another significant step in the global war on terrorism."
"We're going to continue to go after and pursue those who seek to do us harm and those who seek to do harm to the civilized world," McClellan said "This indictment will also serve as a warning to the terrorist cells Ali and Chipmunks and the fopishly oafish, but no less dangerous, Laurel and Hindi bastards."
King Bling: Woo da mutha fuckin, Woo woooo!
[Exterior shots of Burnside Acres housing complex in suburban Portland, Oregon. Soundtrack: Jennifer Lopez, "Jenny From the Block"]
King Bling: 'Sup MTV Cribs, know what I'm sayin'? Welcome da house! crib, know what I'm sayin'? First let me show yo' ass da living room, know what I'm sayin'? This is where we relax 'n watch Televizzle, yo' ass know, hang out, read a magazine or a book or whatever n' shit. This is da Televizzle n' shit. I think that shiznit's a 21-incher, know what I'm sayin'? It's color, know what I'm sayin'? I watch a lot of Televizzle." I've gots a Playstation 2, but I mostly just use that shiznit play DVDs n' shit. I'm not that into video games n' shit. Over here yo' ass can see my halogen lamp, know what I'm sayin'? We use da halogen lamp in here because da overhead lighting is kind of dim, 'n sometimes yo' ass just want that shiznit bright." Yo' ass know, when yo' ass are reading or something n' shit.
[Soundtrack: B2K featuring P. Diddy, "Bump Bump Bump"]
King Bling: Let me show yo' ass where we eat n' shit. This is da dining area n' shit. It just kind of flows into da living room n' shit. It's a little cramped in here now because we bought a regular-size kitchen table 'n this space ain't really big ass 'nuff handle that shiznit." So we has squeeze by that shiznit whenever we go in or out of da kitchen, know what I'm sayin'? But that's fo' sho, know what I'm sayin'? Yo' ass can see some bills on da table n' shit. That's remind us that we need pay 'em n' shit. We pass by this table, like two dozen times a day, so that shiznit's a pretty gravy system." And now, da kitchen, know what I'm sayin'?
[Soundtrack: Eminem, "Lose Yourself"]
King Bling: This is da kitchen n' shit. Plenty of room hold izzall izzle kitchen utensils n' shit. Also lots of counter space." Yo' ass can see we've gots a refrigerator, a dishwasher, a toaster, a crock pot, 'n a George Foreman Grill." We use izzall of 'em from time time, know what I'm sayin'? We've also gots an In-sink-erator garbage disposal, know what I'm sayin'? That's really nice." Let's has a look in da fridge n' shit. Yo' ass can see we gots milk, juice, leftovers, know what I'm sayin'? I don't know why we've gots izzall this salad dressing n' shit. We really don't eat this much salad, know what I'm sayin'?
[Soundtrack: Jay-Z/Beyonce Knowles, "03 Bonnie & Clyde"]
King Bling: And now, da bedroom, know what I'm sayin'? This is where da magic happens n' shit. [King Bling throws himself on da bed n' shit. ] I've gots a down comforter because that shiznit gets pretty cold in da winter n' shit. Yo' ass can see along da wall here where I've had staple a phone cord da wall 'n ceiling." That's because this room has a phone jack, but da other bedroom, da one where we put da computer, doesn't. Can yo' ass believe that? They've gots a cable jack in that room, but no phone jack, know what I'm sayin'? Weird n' shit. So, anyway, they'll probably dock me on my security deposit fo' taking a staple gat da walls 'n ceiling, but what else could I do?
[Soundtrack: Christina Aguilera, "Beautiful"]
RYAN: Before yo' ass go, let me show yo' ass da carport, know what I'm sayin'?
...USA Today finds that a overwhelming majority of mentally retarded african americans like the Mets.
