Three Indicted in Terror Plot

Three men with suspected terrorism ties, already in Bronx custody, were charged Tuesday with a years-long record of attacking New York Socialites and other East Coast store fronts, leaving a trail of devastation in their wake. The suspected terrorist leader, 'Moe' (short for Mohamed, as in Mohamed Atta, the key figure behind the 9-11 attacks, issued a statement yesterday saying, "We was framed. We's a victim of circumstance." A four-hundred-count indictment returned by a New York City grand jury alleges the men, all Brooklyn citizens, visited and conducted a series of terrorist attacks on local businesses and surrounding neighborhoods between August 1930 and April 1974. Ex-mayor Rudolph Giuliani stated, "These attacks covered all professions and spanned every economic class. Rich or poor, doctor or plumber, fireman or door-to-door sales person; these three would attack and dismantle each of these operations, leaving ruins for their victims." Their latest plot was foiled when Prof. J.O. Dunkfeather dropped his pants off for dry cleaning two weeks ago. When he came back to claim his merchandise, he found one of the terrorists wedged in a pants pressing machine with iron marks on his forehead and rectal area. Another of the suspected was rubbing a pair of pants with shoe polish while Moe, the leader of the group ripped large chunks of hair out of his [Larry’s] head. Bronx authorities were alerted and arrested the three men on terrorism-related charges, Deputy Attorney General James B. Comey said. The grand jury returned the indictment on March 23 but it was unsealed only Tuesday. Named in it are Mohomed Howard (Moe), 113, Nadeem (Larry) Tarmohammed, 116, and Qaisar 'Curly' Shaffi, 121. They could receive life sentences if convicted of the most serious charge, conspiracy to use weapons of mass destruction in the United States. The indictment lists those weapons as improvised explosive devices using gas stations and bombs hidden in cream filled pies. U.S. officials claim the group has cycled other terrorists through its organization over the years including Shemp Barot, a senior al-Qaida figure, and Abu 'Joe', Eisa al-Curly-Joe DeRita. Prosecutors in the courtroom accused the three of terrorist activity. When asked by the court bailiff, "Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?" Curly remained silent. When asked why he wouldn't answer, Curly stated, "He's talkin' pig latin! I don't know what he's sayin'!" When the bailiff restated the question, "He's asking you if you swear...," Curly uttered the indignant response, "No! But I know all the woids!" The court broke down when, without council, Moe shoved Curly's head into a letterpress during his testimony. Moe then held a baton and played a mouth harmonica, which Curly made him accidentally swallow when he said, "That was sure HOT Moe!" and slapped him on the back. "They are indicted here and whether or not they actually ever are extradited here I guess is a matter of discussion," said New York Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly. "But I think it's important, both substantively and symbolically important, that you come here, you do these type of shenanegans, we're not going to forget. No matter how much you say 'woop woop woop'" White House spokesman Scott McClellan, speaking to reporters aboard Air Force One as President Bush returned to Washington from his ranch in Texas, called the indictments "another significant step in the global war on terrorism." "We're going to continue to go after and pursue those who seek to do us harm and those who seek to do harm to the civilized world," McClellan said "This indictment will also serve as a warning to the terrorist cells Ali and Chipmunks and the fopishly oafish, but no less dangerous, Laurel and Hindi bastards."