Meet the Press:

Characters: Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense; Sen. Ted Kennedy, D-Mass., Tim Russert - NBC News

MR. TIM RUSSERT: Our issues this Sunday: Tsunamis. The president pledges to stay the course and capture Poseidon, Oceanus, or whomever, or blow up the ocean trying.

PRES. G.W.B: We will not set an artificial timetable for blowing up the ocean, because that would embolden the monstrous and scary creatures of the deep and make them believe they can wait us out.

(End videotape)

MR. RUSSERT: The leading liberal in the U.S. Senate disagrees.

(Videotape):

SEN. KENNEDY: President Bush should immediately announce his intention to negotiate a timetable for a drawdown of American combat forces against the great gods of the sea.

(End videotape)

MR. RUSSERT: What now? With us: for the Bush administration, the secretary of defense, Donald Rumsfeld; for the Democrats, the senior senator from Massachusetts, Edward M. Kennedy.

But first, joining us now on MEET THE PRESS is the secretary of defense, Donald Rumsfeld.

Welcome back.

SEC'Y RUMSFELD: Thank you, sir.

MR. RUSSERT: The headline in the Sunday Atlantian Register, Mr. Secretary, "Middle Aged Mermaid, Aeriel to Divorce Land-Lubbing Prince,” would have you believe that the creatures of the ocean are continuing along with their normal lives despite the President’s threat of having the US forces (quote) ‘Bomb the living shit out their wet world’ (endquote). How do you feel about that?

SEC'Y RUMSFELD: I think that, of all the headlines I've seen, that's not the one I would have cited. I would have cited the ones that point out that all of the people who were attacked by sharks last year, devoured by the deadly Man-of-War’s, and engaged in deliberate efforts to raise the water level and cause the deadly tsunami that struck us just a few months ago.

MR. RUSSERT: In all fairness, the tsunami didn’t directly affect US soil, but it is a tragedy none-the-less. Do you find it troubling that the human race is responsible for harvesting creatures of the deep for food, oil, and for household pets but have not faced an attack of this magnitude in the past?

SEC'Y RUMSFELD: The first thing we have to begin with is that ocean belongs to the creatures. And the creatures are ultimately responsible for the actions that the oceans take. They're not going to have an American solution or an European solution.

Think of it: this Tsunami is a terrible tragedy, but there have been floods, hurricanes, and torrential downpours all over the world. Where does this water come from? Texas? No, it comes from the ocean, and that is why we have to intervene on the world’s behalf.

In the ocean, after 35 million years of a repressive dictatorship, what we're hearing is political debate and discussion amongst the gilled majority. Who should be prime minister and who should be King of the Sea and deputy King of the Sea, and how should this work and how should we sort that out and who's going to fashion the ocean’s constitution. That's thrilling. That is absolutely thrilling.

MR. RUSSERT: One of the more influential anemones of the Great Barrier reef said this--"Americans are in for a shock," adding that one day they would realize, "We've got 150,000 poisoned tipped stingers in store for anyone who attempts to enter their water space.

SEC'Y RUMSFELD: You know, I could go to the press, and I could pull out a quote on almost any side of every issue. And your question is: What do I think about that particular quote? First of all, I don't think it's representative. Second, I'm always amazed at the things that can happen in the water world, and I don't doubt for a minute that there are going to be some surprises for everybody.

MR. RUSSERT: Our next guest, Senator Kennedy. Senator Kennedy, welcome to the show.

SEN. KENNEDY: Thank you.

MR. RUSSERT: Let’s cut to the quick, Senator: some have said that you simply opposed the oceanic war from day one and that's your agenda. Is that your view?

SEN. KENNEDY: Listen, we’re talking about blowing up the oceans for Christ sakes! The oceans! That’s 70% of our planet and we are targeting that for destruction? That’s crazy.

MR. RUSSERT: But how can you deny all of the people who lost their lives in the tsunami in 2004?

SEN. KENNEDY: That’s a great tragedy and one we should work together to raise funding and relief for, but that’s not the fault of the sea creatures. Tsunamis are a natural phenomenon, not an act of war from the creatures of the deep.

SEC'Y RUMSFELD: Might I jump in here for a second. The president and I are aware of Senator Kennedy’s sea faring leanings. He lives in New Hampshire right off the ocean and has been seen on myriad occasions walking along the beach. There has been some discussion on Capitol Hill about the Senator discussing US strategy with the oceans and sea gulls of the coast.

MR. RUSSERT: Your response, Senator

SEN. KENNEDY: Well, the--my own sense is--I'm not sure what the whole kind of context—that’s just outrageous!

SEC'Y RUMSFELD: Ask the Senator about his brother Bobby being accused of being a crustacean sympathizer back in the 1960’s.

SEN. KENNEDY: Well, er ah, you leave my brother out of this. He was absolved of all of that controversy before his death, and I request you abstain from these accusations. The bottom line is: if we are thinking of blowing up the ocean, what’s next, the moon?

MR. RUSSERT: Please, gentlemen, let’s not resort to these accusations and bouts of childish name calling. That will be brought up in our next broadcast when we discuss the moon’s involvement in the shifting ocean’s tides. Should it be blown up too? We'll be back next week. If it's Sunday, it's MEET THE PRESS.