What I planned to say was...

Here was my comedy routine as I wrote and rehearsed it: I wanted to come up here last week, but before I could I already had 17 Beam and Cokes coarsing through my system and wound up losing my shirt to a homeless guy playing pool. What was worse was that some crazy man, other than the homeless man with the aluminum foil UFO helmet I was currently taking my shirt off for...and by crazy, I don't mean he was throwing cats and telling me stories about how he served in the Civil War, but crazy in that he was wearing racing gloves, a cowboy hat, a members only jacket, a kill Jane Fonda Yankee Traitor Bitch t-shirt, black tube socks and sandals crazy. 'My outfit spans 6 generations' crazy. So Cap'n crazy says, "I'll trade you some mints for a cigarette." After 17 beam cokes and a pack of smokes my breath tasted like a racehorses ass, so I say "suuurrrrreeee" (in slow motion) Now I don't know if it was the alcohol or the time or the alcohol but I watched my hand reach in slow motion toward the tin. As I started putting into my mouth my brain looked up from its card game and said "what the fuck is he doing. Oh don't tell me he's taking candy from strangers. This is bullshit! What did you think I sat through all those McGruff and Patch the pony films in school. For fun? Well I wasn't laughin. Immediately after putting this into my mouth, my brain went on put on the emergency alert klaxons like a sub needing to surface. The fears that I had just dosed or dropped flipped me out like Martin Lawrence when his show was canned. My body processed the alcohol in a matter of moments by expelling every ounce of it through the pores in my body. They shot out of me like a paisley shirt rainbow and I made a B-line to the door to get to my car before it turned into an elephant, octopus, or whatever terrible thing my mind might make. Once I got to my car, I sat there to ensure I was completely sober. I turned on the afterburners in my brain and recalled the Pennsylvania drivers’ manual and went through it step by step: I'm just going to adjust the Driver’s Seat and fasten the seat belt: good. Check the rearview and side mirrors for the face from the exorcist: not there, good. Adjust the ventilation to blow the cold air on my forehead to stave off the headache: check. Glasses: on, headlights: on, windshield wipers working: check, turn signals: left and right. Alright, we're just going to put the hands at 2 and 10, put the turn signal on and exit out of the garage onto Burnside. I hit a cop car moments before being run over by a street sweeper. I died instantly. So, I was in heaven waiting to talk to god. Everybody was sitting there; quiet, with their heads down. I leafed through the magazines on the table and found a Highlights for Children with the cover story of 'Have Fun Painting Faces on Rocks.' Rock painting has always tickled my fancy, but when I opened the mag, it was all Goofus and Gallant comics and some dick had already circled all the hidden pictures. As I was about to cry out 'Bullshit,' the receptionist told me god was ready to see me. Y'know what, God is really cool. He had me come in to his office, and it wasn't all clouds and harps and shit, he had like these really comfortable chairs, a collection of vinyls that featured the B-Boys, and he had this infinitely long cigarette that never burned down and smelled like candy. He cut to the quick and said that it wasn't my time and that he would give me another chance but only if I did him a favor. I was like, 'that's so cool of you, man. I didn't get a chance to get up on stage last week, so I'd like to have the opportunity to make things right.' He said that he wanted me to be his instrument, a prophet, a evangelical conduit to the people. He then gave me a piece of strangely folded paper with a series of predictions to tell the people, that's you guys, about what is to come, what will be, and what you ought to be totally freaked about in the coming years. (I pull one of these out of my pocket and begin to ask for numbers and colors from the audience. When I get both, I then recite these. Thank you all, and God bless.