New Painkiller Causes Heart to Explode...with Delight

By Kid Neo, Your Internet Perscription Drug Reviewer What up, fellow pill poppers? It’s Kid Neo with another round of Prescription medications that will totally blow your mind, soften your stool, and, hopefully cure what ails ya! This week, we have a tonnage of insane new products that should give fans of medications something to be happy about (unless you are on depressants). Just got my prescription pill sampler that I ordered off the internet and before I give my pill by pill review, I wanted to mention a few things. The quality of the medications I received was excellent, easy to read labels, side effects clearly listed in 10 point type, no placebos, so it made the experience that much more enjoyable. Secondly I really feel that the FDA and European regulators are doing an exceptional job in letting so many drastically untested, and nearly useless, drugs into the marketplace for me to test. It makes me warm inside to know that I can have a huge penis that will ultimately stop my heart, but some child dying of cancer or someone dying of AIDS will have to wait decades for potential life saving treatments. Not to get on my soapbox, but that’s just more proof that God hates both fags and kids. But this article is not about my opinion, God’s will, or AIDS riddled homosexuals, it’s about my opinion. My opinion on these sweet new pharmaceuticals: HUMATROPE: What an intro!!!! This is the first commercially available "man-made" product in which the active constituent was chemically identical to growth hormone produced by the pituitary gland. I followed the directions and took these puppies before I went to bed. I can’t begin to tell you what a pleasure it was to wake up a full 8” taller overnight. Where were these pills when I was preparing for the state championships back in high school? My pleasure was short lived, for when I tried to walk, it only took three steps before my lengthened, un-reinforced femurs shattered under the weight of my own body. I can’t tell you how much that one stung. I would have to rate this medication average as it did provide immediate results, but the side effects were somewhat debilitating. GRADE: C KYTRIL: WOW....The femur shattering incident had me hoping that the next medication I would take would be one for pain. Unfortunately Kytril offers relief to those suffering nausea and vomiting from chemotherapy. I would be unfair for me to judge this medication based on my current condition of shattered bone fragments coursing through my bloodstream so I had to find a way to get cancer, but fast! In preparation of receiving this package I had rigged up my microwave to work with the door ajar. I set the microwave to cook a roast and laid my head next to the opening. I woke up with a large section of my hair missing from my head and a terrible sickness in my gut. I popped the entire sampling of Kyrtil and about 10 minutes later, the pain was nearly non existent. This drug rocks cause it works! GRADE: A+ EPOGEN: God am I feeling terrible. Not only do my legs feel like they are made entirely of fire ants transporting killer bees on their backs, but I’m now bald and can’t seem to remember my multiplication tables. Thank goodness I had the foresight to leave a notepad with my mission clearly etched on the front page: ‘Do Drugs.’ I see that I have this box of medications in front of me so I will take this one labeled ‘Epogen.’ For minutes I sat staring at a flaming pile of hair someone placed in front of my microwave before I realized that I had pissed myself. That’s weird. I looked at the packaged for Epogen and it states that it is to be taken in conjunction with Kidney disease and dialysis. Those are pretty big words which I seem to no longer comprehend. I sat for a while longer enjoying the warmth of my own body’s waste and thought how great it felt to give those fucking fire ants a taste of my medicine. GRADE: B+ VENLAFAXINE: ”What in the fuck am I doing to myself,” someone asks me from my own mouth? As a moment of clarity hits me I find myself naked, legs bent un-naturally around my body, lying in the middle of I-5 with this brown box full of white and red pills on my chest. “Can I have one of those?” I ask myself as I watch this movie of all of these cars crashing into each other. This shit is crazy or are you all fucking telling me its crazy shit to fuck and shit. Fuck.