Bush Declares War on Tsunami

US President George W. Bush announced Wednesday night that he has ordered military strikes against any and all Tsunami’s. Poseidon, Oceanus, and the Kraken prepare for US air raids. "At this hour, American and coalition forces are in the early stages of military operations to eliminate the deadly threat created by Tsunami’s across our globe," Bush said in a nationally-televised address. "On my orders, coalition forces have begun striking selected targets of military importance to undermine Poseidon’s ability to wage war," he said. Bush said that these strikes "are opening stages of what will be a broad and concerted campaign against the ocean." He vowed that the US-led forces would fight until victory, noting that the war against the sea could be longer and more difficult than the Iraq war, the Philippine Insurrection, and the Crusades combined. Bush was speaking two hours and 15 minutes after his ultimatum for the Oceanus and his son Chronos to leave the ocean or face a war expired. The White House confirmed after the raids began that the United States had launched a military action to disarm Poseidon and retrieve his spiked trident, which has been a symbol for the ocean’s tyrannical unpredictability. "The opening stages of the disarmament of the Tsunami’s regime have begun," White House spokesman Ari Fleischer told reporters minutes after air raid sirens were heard over the Atlantic. US warplanes raided the Indian Ocean about one and a half hours after the expiration of the deadline set by US President George W. Bush for Oceanus to leave the ocean or face war. Big explosions were heard, the ocean was lit up by flares and sirens were heard throughout the cities of the deep, home for some 500 billion sea creatures. The first round of air raids started at 0530 a.m. (0230 GMT) Thursday and lasted for about 20 minutes. Tracer fire and large balls of smoke were seen off the coast of both England and Spain. After a brief interval, US warplanes resumed air attacks. Coral reefs of the mermaid kingdom were attacked in the three rounds of US air raids on the ocean, leaving several thousand floating, bloated casualties, but it remained unknown that any top ocean officials were among the injured. The ocean monsters were unable to ready its arsenal of anti-aircraft forces to hit back at the US warplanes, witnesses said. Electricity was not detected under the ocean’s surface where the strikes were heaviest, but much of the sonar and undersea creature communication had ceased broadcasting after the blasts. The war was declared after the US failed to win support of majority in the UN Security Council for their draft resolution that would have authorized a war on Tsunamis, waterspouts, whirlpools, and rapids that have plagued humanity for centuries Three permanent members of the Security Council, namely China, France and Russia, opposed the US-led military attack on the ocean and insist that inspections and talks with the deadly element of water should continue. More than 250,000 US troops in and around the Gulf region, joined by tens of thousands of British troops, are launching military strikes on the sea. The United States started the war on the ocean in its second preemptive strike in the US history. The first being the Iraq war, which ended up being a tremendous success against terror and for the US’s perception to the world. Local reports said the US-led combat troops in the Gulf, numbering about 150,000, took up battle positions overnight as the deadline for Oceanus, Poseidon, or whomever is in charge of the deep to quit approached. A US air force colonel briefing reporters at the Pentagon said that the opening hours of the war would be devastating and that he did not believe the potential adversary had any idea what was coming. Earlier, UN Secretary General Kofi Annan warned the United States and Britain that "under international law, the responsibility for protecting civilians in conflict falls on the belligerents. But this is the ocean, so fuck it, all bets are off.”