The Great Modern Animal Painters

There is a magic in a painter’s ability to portray the world around us, the strengths and frailties of a human animal and the magnificence of nature. It is made all the more magical when a painter with only a walnut-sized brain incorporates bits of regurgitated food and their own excrement to create works of brilliance. This is a story of these great modern painters. Animal artists are products of their own societies, each with a special set of historical, intellectual and cultural influences. Thus, it is hard to understand the complexity of Mr. Asuka's 'Souless Tire Swing' without placing it in the context of its time. It is interesting to note that despite their talents and great works of art, many great artists worked for peanuts, bananas, or the filament of hope that one day they would be released to freedom and their own kind once more. But with the demands and pressures of the world wide art community, the chance of ever seeing a life outside their man made prison was only a fantasy. One of the great modern animal painters was the Spanish horse, Diego 'Wildfire' Velasquez (1972-1980). Like most other famous animal artists he sought the patronage of his owner, Buck Smith Jr of Buck Smith and Son's Chewing Tobacco. Wildfire's portraits of Buck and other family cousins/wives show a great amount of detail and angst. Ultimately, the novelty of a horse that could paint red lines on a piece of canvas board can only pay the bills for so long. Buck wound up selling Diego to the glue factory/dog food company owned by his wife/sister, Daisydaria. Many know of the elephant named Dumbo, but not many have heard of the Indian Elephant name Marushamassa Mohamed Andyo'sista Jo (1994-2001) who was responsible for the unforgettable 'Huge Pile of Steaming Shit #7' and 'Elephants: We Stink On Ice.' It is the quality that distinguishes this great animal painter from the other struggling mammal artists. From all who have seen the works of 'Jo,' it is impossible to miss the very tenderness of how she portrays the subject in her work. Unfortunately, Marushamassa Jo went absolutely apeshit one day and had to be taken down with 6 shotgun blasts to the cranium. Many believe that it had to do with years of drinking linseed oil and varnish that finally did her in, but we think it was the madness of artistry coupled with the gaping shotgun wounds. I consistently find it fascinating how these animal artist continue to innovate and addapt to new techniques. The passage of time and changes in social values has also deeply influenced these barnyard Botticelli's. The greatest example of this transformation is from Cap'n Uncle Sam Goat's (1995-) Expressions of Explosion's collection currently being shown at Galleria dell' Accademia in Italy. US Goat's talents lie in his ability to eat large quantities of paint and anally express the contents of his vision across a carefully placed sheet of particle board. His exploits and attention to detail has allowed him to take the art community by storm. His latest piece, 'Count Blamenstien,' named for his owner, Tennessee goat farmer, Count Blamenstien III, is a testament to his creative talents. "With him shittin' out art like it's goin' outta style," said Blamenstien, "Ize figured that I'd stop fuckin' his sister outsa respect, an all." The works of these artists highlights another enormous change in the world of animal paintistry. Where Prince Salvador the Dog's portrayal of Christ licking a bone might once have been considered blasphemy, it is now considered a legitimate work of art. With up and coming artists like Super Sugar Bear Browntown and Shelix the Transexual Lioness, the animal artworld could be turned on its ear, flipped on its back, and violated with fantasy and imagination like never before.