McDonald's Converts all Parking to Handicapped Parking

ELK GROVE, Illinois, April 26, 2005—McDonald’s today announced that they will be converting all of the parking spaces in their restaurant parking lots into handicapped parking spaces. The unveiling of this new parking system was the culmination of nine years of research at Paunchy-Buxom Medical School and an internal investment of $7.5 million to fund that research. “We realized that our parking spaces were too small for our patrons to exit out of their cars comfortably,” said McDonald’s spokesperson, Stubby Thickset. “This is an answer to a solution and a gianormous step forward for our business.” Big People = Big Spaces Using the principle that people of larger mass will require additional space when it comes to doing everything, the new parking spaces with increase the size of each parking area by 1.5 times its normal size. The resulting increase of space will allow the pendulous fat of the left arm to freely flow from the vehicle once the door of a customer's VW Beetle is opened. Local resident, Porty Corpulence said, “the added area will allow beefy patrons, like myself, to open their doors nearly 75 degrees so that we no longer have to stand up on the doorsill, and melt downward into the car, like the witch in the Wizard of Oz.” According to Associate Professor Scraggy Lankypune, M.D. of the clinic of chronic obesity talked about the benefits of the enhanced space by saying, “No longer will customers have to run at the open door of their PT Cruiser, head lowered, to simply hurl themselves into their cars. By increasing the space, you give these larger people, or as we call them at the University, ‘Biggy-McFatenstien's,’ more time to get into their vehicles. “Lowering the stress of getting into their vehicles could reduce the amount of neurotic overeating which causes the patrons to immediately visit the drive thru after getting into their cars.” A Good Idea is Worth Copying Other companies have already started jumping on the handicapped bandwagon. Stores like Wal-Mart, Dunkin' Donuts, Denny's and Jo Ann Fabrics are already in talks with their own obesity clinics to have parking spots, "two or three times the size of those of McDonald's," another token McDonald's spokesperson said. "We've just scraped the tip of the iceberg on this one. And, by iceberg, I'm not talking about that guy over there who just ordered the three of the Big Mac Value meals."