Pope's Funeral to be Slightly Shorter than Ronald Reagan’s

By DOLAND REGALFOP, Associated Press Writer VATICAN CITY - Italian officials said they will cut short the funeral ceremony for Pope John Paul II out of respect to the family of ex-president Ronald Reagan (pronounced, ‘RAY-gen’). The massive line of pilgrims hoping to see at St. Peter's Basilica on Wednesday evening snaked down a wide boulevard, through ancient alleyways and onto a bridge. Police and military were called in to tell the crowd, ‘Show’s over folks. Let’s move this along. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.’ “We don’t want to upset people in America with the rememberences of loss and death,” said Luca Spoletini, a spokesman for the Civil Defense department. “Their great and holy leader [Reagan] died just a few short months ago and the nation is still grieving. The last thing we want is to out-mourn a country that is itchy to pick a fight with anyone for any reason,” he said. Spoletini’s comment about the grieving of Americans is no understatement. After the great bowel emancipator, Reagan (pronounced: ‘RAY-gon’) passed on, America looked to satiate their depression by consuming larger, higher fat content fast food. Burger King’s new ‘gianormous, ass-blastin’, butter-sausage biscuit burger sandwich was just one of many new menu items added after June 10, 2004. Shortly thereafter, Hardee’s developed their ‘Griever’s Value Menu’ and ‘Condolence Meals’ which were just coffee cans filled with Crisco and a spoon. Back in Rome the lines grew to, just under, Reagan-sized funeral proportion. "It's possible there are 1 million people out there standing in line," Spoletini said. "They are all concentrated outside St. Peter's ... We are all working to ensure maximum tranquility without angering our most benevolent superior masters in the United States." He then produced a miniature stars and stripes attached to a toothpick and proceeded to genuflect and salute it vehemently. “It’s hard to compare the Pope to Ronald Reagan (pronounced, ‘REE-gan’) as they touched lives in completely different ways,” said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. “The Pope was all about birth control and church stuff while Ronny (pronounced, ‘Raw-KNEE’) was about taking down communism, the Berlin Wall, Charles Darwin, the Scientific Method, humility, truth, libraries, homosexuals, and the Nazi’s to name a few.” Shortly after finishing his diatribe, the Senator began to have a slight attack of the vapors and collapsed backwards into a row of smaller Senators. Going back to the steps of St. Peter’s, many people waited in line 12 hours overnight, wrapped in thick brown blankets handed out by civil defense authorities. When the sun came out, people shaded their eyes with baseball caps or umbrellas. Rainer Loeb, a doctor with the group, said he was concerned for children and elderly people who wanted to stay until Friday's funeral. “I am relieved that we are moving this funeral up a few days. Many pilgrims are at their physical limits already," he said. When the massive bronze doors of St. Peter's reopened, those in line burst into applause. The crowd cheering was drowned out quickly by the sound of Black Hawk helicopters flying overhead to deliver the glass encased corpse of the former president to give a speech on the afterlife. The president was lowered onto the steps of St. Peter’s where three cloaked women appeared out of a cloud of smoke and conducted a ritual to animate the ex-president’s body. The president slowly reanimated and said, “Ungh…Brains…U.S. need brains…mommy….” before collapsing into a group of secret servicemen. The president was immediately flash frozen and shrink wrapped in front of the two million pilgrims before being zip-lined back into one of the helicopters. John Paul will be laid to rest Friday in the grotto of St. Peter's, alongside popes of centuries past and near the traditional tomb of the first pope, St. Peter. His ceremony is set to conclude Friday evening at 6pm which will work out to a full three weeks shorter than the wake held for ex-president, hero, and ‘B’ musical actor, Ronald Reagan (pronounced, ‘Way-GON’).